當無法認同一些東西或事情，到底，我會選擇做點甚麼去抵抗，抑或冷酷地甚麼都不做，以沉默表示輕視，表示不在乎，表示與我無關。能繼續隨心所慾地做事總是好的，要是我總被外界的挑引而打亂，恐怕我的一生只能忙於對抗，忙於爭辯，這樣我就無端地被轉移了視線，被分散了注意力。這世界一切荒謬的事情，我究竟有多在乎呢，終究所有生生滅滅又與我何干？我是地球上的一分子，道德上我是有責任的，但我卻不知道我的責任是向誰而負，我負了誰？看見成群螞蟻在屋內爬行，我亦確實將之捽死，我對世界的厭惡大於惻隱，我終究是被良心而責罵還是被社會既定良知而責罵？說回來，我的隨心所慾有被限制嗎？確實有，我不被限制的部分，終究要感激前人已幫我打破，他們已做了點甚麼，他們沒有沉默。而當下我所面對的限制，必然得由我輩去打破。我似乎已經回答了自己的問題。要是我忽略那些限制呢？我還是能完全地作為一個人，我所面對的限制是資本主義下金錢、物質與名利的珈鎖，但如果我忽略以上這些珈鎖，我還是可以做自己想做的事，此刻的我最想做的事莫過於在一個山明水秀的鄉郊，過上平靜不被煩擾的生活，面對大自然與作畫，我會有可能這樣就滿足嗎？還是這只不過一個過於浪漫的假想，我還是會感到無聊與不耐煩？確實是我過於浪漫的假想，要是我確實想要那樣的生活，我此刻便已實行，而不是活在限制下又要質疑及抱怨。以上所有述說，大概只能表現出生活所有的矛盾，人心的反復以及不確定性。

星期三日常 AN ORDINARY WEDNESDAY

星期三日常
AN ORDINARY WEDNESDAY

「創作藝術是為了分享。」
- David, 2016 年 1 月

"Making art is about sharing."
- David, 2016 January





朝早九點上堂， Look into Music 這科目的授課老師是行為藝術家 Connie Beckley，這節課她分享了包浩斯時期的視覺及音樂藝術家，例如 Oskar Schlemmer，另外她亦分享了與 John Cage 演出的經驗。接續的那節課叫做 Junior Seminar，授課老師 Jeanne Silverthorne 向我發還修改後的展覽評論作業，下星期要交的功課是個人藝術論述。今天早了下課，離三點上班的時間還有個半鐘，所以我決定到 Chelsea 走一圈逛逛畫廊。由學校走到畫廊聚集的街區只要五分鐘。

School started at 9am, a class called “Look into Music,” taught by performance artist Connie Beckley. She shared with us visual and musical works by artists from around the time of the Bauhaus movement, such as Oskar Schlemmer, and also shared with us a personal encounter she had with John Cage.

This was followed by a class called “Junior Seminar” - my teacher Jeanne Silverthorne gave me back my exhibition review with notes. Our next assignment is to write our own artist statement. The class ended early; I had a one and a half hour break before starting work at 3pm, so I decided to check the galleries in Chelsea. It’s just a five-minute walk from my school.

在第十大道與第十一大道之間，由十九街走到二十四街，來來回回跑了幾間畫廊，但我最期待的是於 David Zwirner 辦的 Doug Wheeler 展覽。七十年代於加州出了數位有名的光與空間藝術家，Doug Wheeler 是其中之一，其他藝術家還包括 Robert Irwin、Larry Bell 以及 James Turrell （Turrell 沒有參與策劃Drake 的 Hotline Bling MV，只好說Drake 「受到 Turrell啟發」）。

Walking from 19th Street to 24th Street, between 10th and 11th Ave, I checked a few galleries. My main goal was to check out Doug Wheeler at David Zwirner. Doug Wheeler is one of the renowned California light and space artists from the 70's. That group includes artists such as Robert Irwin, Larry Bell, and James Turrell (he has nothing to do with Drake's Hotline Bling music video. Ok, Drake just “got inspired” by Turrell).

Doug Wheeler 的展覽完全是一個關於空間的體驗。當我踏進展覽廳的時候，瞬間被白光以及白牆所形造的迷霧幻象所震撼。藝術能改變世界嗎？至少我會說，藝術會影響我們看現實的觀感。

Doug Wheeler's exhibition is about the experience of space, and I was amazed once I stepped into the showroom. With the space created by the white light and the white wall, I felt as if I saw the illusion of mist in the air. Can art change the world? I guess at least it can change the way we sense reality.

三點鐘回到學校，我在校的兼職單位是 Digital Library，協助借還相機及其他電子產品，最大的福利是我可以有很多空閒時間上網。上星期我看了Guido van der Werve於 Luhring Augustine 的展覽，他的錄像作品十分有意思，我正打算前往晚上他於 Parsons 藝術學校舉行的講座，於是趁工作空檔上網查了更多有關這位荷蘭年輕藝術家的資料。

Back to school at 3pm and I started working at the Digital Library. Between helping check-in and check-out the cameras and other digital devices, I enjoyed the freedom to browse the Internet. So I Googled the young Dutch artist Guido van der Werve. He was going to have a talk that night at Parsons. I had just seen his show last week at Luhring Augustine. His video work was still bouncing around in my head, so I was definitely intent on not missing his talk.

Van der Werve 於 Luhring Augustine 展出的錄像作品以三面靠牆的大屏幕分別播放三個群組，賦有詩意的影像投影我們似乎了解的主題：不同的思想狀態。左邊視頻播放一群裸身老年男人及女人，坐着吃蛋糕，站着吃水果，趟在地上小睡一會，眼神空洞地凝視某處；中間視頻是另一群穿着黑衫黑褲的老中青在打坐、靜修、放聲大笑、專注於呼吸；而右邊視頻是一群裸身的年輕男女遊走閒逛、互相撫摸，繼而親吻，繼而性交，最後趟在地上休息。展廳的正中央放了一個鋼琴，奏出藝術家編寫的古典曲目，琴鍵自動上下跳動猶如隱形人在彈奏。

His video and installation work is an epic combination retelling the things we sort of know - different states of mind. The three-channel video installation showed three groups of people. On the left hand side, a group of naked old men and women, eating cake and fruit, taking a nap, and sitting on the floor staring at nothing; in the middle, a group of different aged people wearing all black, meditating, laughing, and breathing; and on the right hand side, a group of naked young people searching, touching each other, kissing, having sex, and then resting. There was a piano in the center of the room, playing a classical song composed by the artist, with the piano keys moving up and down by themselves as if played by an invisible spirit.

我在六點離開學校，七點到達 Parsons。能與喜歡的藝術家有近距離的接觸，算是今天的收獲。紐約包羅萬有，總讓我不斷發現，眼界大開。要是我的好奇心會有耗盡的一天，還望別太早來臨。

I left school at 6.30pm and arrived at Parsons at 7pm. The night ended well with close up contact with an artist that I dig. New York, you just have too much to offer. You keep my eyes wide open and constantly in a state of discovery. I hope it will be a long time before I see the day when I grow too tired to keep up my curiosity.




*Macau Closer 2016 March Issue Column 澳門特寫2016年3月號專欄*

潮濕的澳門散發如汗水般的酸臭味，肌膚掃過黏黏搭搭的床單，聽著鳥兒七嘴八舌地吱吱叫，剛下飛機的我試圖小睡一會。

賭仔好勝 WE ARE ALL GAMBLERS

賭仔好勝
WE ARE ALL GAMBLERS

「不要去想如何成為一位藝術家，你已經是一位藝術家，做你愛做的事吧。」
－Fatih, 2015 年 12 月 20 日

“Stop thinking about becoming an artist, because you are already one! Just do what you love.”
- Fatih, December 20, 2015




感情豐富如我，總是隨時敞開心扉擁抱一切。但像紐約這樣的大城市並不適合太易動情。紐約不容許我太天真、太傻。

I’m sensitive. I feel things. At first, I opened my heart wide and welcomed everything; then I realized I couldn’t do it in a big city like New York. Or maybe just not in New York.

成為一位藝術家是我兒時的夢想，繞了很多路，終於在二〇一五年一月下定決心前往紐約修讀藝術，去實踐這個夢想。紐約以一個悠長的寒冬作為見面禮，室外到處被白雪淹蓋，室內暖氣似乎要將我體內的水份都抽乾，才到訪一個禮拜，還未來得及挑戰紐約便已被擊倒，患了重感冒，難以呼吸，明明勒緊褲頭，卻又要洗錢購置增濕器。補充了水份後便能流淚，哭不成聲便乾脆懷疑前往紐約會不會是最愚蠢的決定。明知山有虎，偏向虎山行。離開舒適生活圈然後在異地重零開始，何必呢？種種負面想法，也許這就是所謂的思鄉病，孤獨滋味如龐然大物般襲擊我，就當這是思鄉病吧。

I came to New York for my childhood dream - to be an artist - in a snowy January, 2015. What New York offered me as a welcoming gift was a long cold winter. The first week, a serious cold nearly killed me right away physically and emotionally. I was dehydrated in my room by the overheated heater. I couldn’t breath. The first money I spent here was to buy a humidifier. I cried like I had made the worst decision ever. Why did I leave my comfort zone and start everything from zero? Why I did choose such a hard way? Maybe I was just homesick. The overwhelming loneliness we call it homesick.

怕醜不是我的天性，費盡心機去融入新環境，結交新朋友，到頭來發現大家自我保護意識強勁，人與人之間有着無法逾越的距離。紐約大概只容納着異鄉客，來自五湖四海，居留時期由數月至數年。到步後從零開始，有人厭倦無止盡的繁華亂世而半途離場，有人不懈努力加戰不死之決心終造就一翻成績。問諸君家在何處，家在遙遠的他處。生活在紐約，只想奮鬥。似乎大家都在紐約花了足夠的時間練就成一副不容侵犯、可遠觀而不可褻玩矣的姿態。機會主義；厚面皮、適時務、進取；再取之平衡，就能如魚得水。人人都希望成為煉金術士。

I’m not a shy person. So I did my best to mingle, to make new friends. But soon I realized everyone here is so protective. There is distance between every single person. I guess it’s because they have been living here long enough to learn that’s the only way not to get hurt. Not to be used. Not to get taken advantage of. Most of the people in New York are not from New York. They started with nothing, and earned what they have today through a lot of effort.

Everything costs. Everything has a price. There’s no free lunches. No. Some people might have quit mid-way and are no longer drifting through the city. And the strong ones remain. You would start a conversation with a person you’ve just met like “how long have you been living here?” From a couple of months to a couple of years, they are from other states or other countries. Everyone is trying hard, or more precisely, trying his or her luck.

終於我明白，澳門是如何的寬容，長久以來將我寵壞，就好像我們習慣說，澳門是個小漁村，一頓愉快的午餐就能和一個新相識暢談不盡，然後，新相識帶來新圈子，從新圈子走進新社群。過不了多久，相識滿天下。然而紐約總是碰壁，你致誠真摯，換來對方一句「我倆才初見面，先生小姐別太急進。」你看不見自己在別人眼中是多無禮醜陋的食人獸。

In New York, it takes time to know someone. What I hear the most is, “We’ve just met. I’m still getting to know you.” By then I realized how much Macau has spoiled me. You could simply get to know a person with a nice lunch along with a cheerful conversation. In a flash, you are friends. It won’t take long to meet a bunch of nice people, then a circle, then a community. Connections are so intense that you feel like you know everyone in Macau already.

生活在這城市的人是如此冷漠，忙於為自己闖一片天，沒閒暇傾聽我訴說心事。燦爛笑容變成最愚蠢的包裝，掩飾我的寂寞與恐懼。六月，炎熱的氣溫醞釀我的焦慮。海洋寬闊，小魚無用。當人人都是藝術家，於武林爭一席之地，我顯得一無事處。究竟我該如何立足。情緒於臨界點遊移，即便朋友亦無法替我分解負面情緒，就這樣吧，觸醮，爆發。心理醫生用最不賦批評性的專業角度去傾聽我的呢喃細語，每節一小時的哭訴維持了數星期，然後我發現，回家、回到所屬之地，才是靈丹妙藥。八月濕熱的澳門用熱情包圍着我然後我便療愈，向心理醫生說再見，我們分手吧。

But not in New York. Everyone is busy trying hard here, they don’t have time to listen to your problems. They won’t call you a friend just because you have the most lovely smile. June was a horrible month. With way too many great talents in this city, I felt like I was nothing. I was nothing special. I was just another artsy person drifting in the city. I was threatened, I didn’t know where I stood, where I belonged. I didn’t know where to get help. I finally looked for a therapist. I had too many negative thoughts inside my head that having friends was just not enough. I needed someone to talk to who wouldn’t be judgmental. I went for a few sessions and at the end, I walked out the door of that consultation room and haven’t gone back again. A swell summer back home in Macau healed me.

暑假小休後回到紐約繼續打怪獸，突然天朗氣清，澳門似是一支強心針，永遠最強的後循，紐約不再如此兇猛。當然紐約依舊，只是我更強悍。然後重新發現那個叫人興奮雀躍的城市，它的魅力來自於生活在這裏的各式人物，而擁有相同方向與價值的人，終會遇見。

Then, returning back to New York didn’t seem that hard anymore. I realized it’s not that bad, actually New York is great. People with the same values, at some point, will finally meet.

我花了一年的時間去消化紐約，然後，我像個紐約客一樣，唾罵地鐵有多擁擠有多骯髒、老鼠橫行、班點延誤，天呀，瘋漢（又）在車廂叫喊威脅所有乘客的性命。今天新聞報道我家街口轉角又有搶擊案把我嚇呆，似乎真的是新聞。L train 的潮流型人叫我目不暇給，在 Bushwick 流連才是正經事。遇見叫我再讚嚇不矣的奇人怪事，保持目無表情才是紐約客的本色。

After one year, I’ve started to know the city. I complain about the trains like a local. Delayed, crowded, stinky, filthy, rats, crazy creepy screaming. I am shocked by the news that somewhere around the corner just got shot and killed (again). I look at the cute guys on the L-train. I hang out in Bushwick. Funny scenes in the street or train that make me laugh but acting cool is the New Yorker way.

紐約，紐約，你是名詞還是形容詞，大家聽到你的名字總是趨之若鶩，而你卻如此冷酷。或者，你功多於過，亳不吝嗇地讓大家展示自己的才華，引發更多的討論，更多的新思潮，所以大家都甘願捱着苦頭為你而留下。所有的一面之緣，泛起漣漪，演變成渾之不去的動力。紐約、紐約，幾十年過去，你依然叫人怦然心動，因為你如此獨特， 打開了所有的宇宙，讓所有的瘋狂主意流竄，你不輕易被俘虜，你看不起垂手可得的任何種種，你叫所有體會過你的人明白，只有真心渴望的事物，才值得擁有。

So what’s so charming about New York? I guess, just the fact that I can constantly meet amazing, creative and interesting people that poke my mind, wake me up; that’s the reason good enough for me to keep on trying. Maybe I will just see that person once and we won’t become friends. But what they have said is incredibly inspiring. No place like New York has taught me to be so open minded and hold no biases. Ideas are the things never lacking in this city. Keep the openness and let things come in. It just takes time. It just doesn’t come easy. Just like people say, if it’s easy, it isn’t worth it.

紐約曾叫我後悔，叫我淚流滿面，我以為，孤注一擲卻輸掉所有。那些美好的小確幸在縫間流走叫我心碎。但是，有賭未為輸是好勝抑或人生本來就是一場賭注，我只能確認，一年過後，我更認清我自己，同時戰勝了怕孤獨這個壞毛病。

I once regretted coming here, because it was a big gamble and I cried for what I had lost. I wished things could go back to the way they were. But I was right in the first place, I dared to make a big bet and now I finally see what I’ve gained. I know myself better now. And being alone is not an issue anymore.

夢想是甚麼，只能說是觸不可及的美麗雲彩，永遠會在遙遠的他方，永遠無法到達的終點，但追逐那片雲彩的過程卻給我勇氣，引領我即便恐懼卻依然探索未知的領域。

To achieve your dreams is not the ultimate goal, it’s just a hint to discover the world with more perspectives.




*Macau Closer 2016 January Issue Column 澳門特寫2016年1月號專欄*

I hold a lot of anger 

There are some bitter memories inside me

我覺得我走了很多的路
然後我不知該從何說起
現在剩下的都只是回憶了
然而我不知道
到底我更貼近真實的自己
還是離原來的我愈來愈遠
也許兩者佳是
我依舊充滿了恐懼和不安
無法面對寂靜
走過的小徑已經忘記了我的足跡
我卻惦記著在我臉上掃過的微風
當初那樣輕柔地安撫過我的宇宙
我想我曾經是快樂的
可我不顧一切地把快樂換成憂傷
反正快樂必然是轉瞬即逝的
我又再上路
又要往遠方
我是累了
發現我只剩下憂傷
卻換不回快樂了

所以你像個瘋子一樣，自己和自己對話，你只想和自己對話，獨自留在房間，窗外的風景就是所有的風景，你不想成為任何人，但任何人的話語卻又左右你成為甚麼樣的人。你以為躲在自己小小的房間，就能躲開所有人的眼光，沒有人在注視，為所欲為，只有你走出房間，才發現沒有人在意你，所有的恐懼來自內在的孤寂。

你把自己看成是水，願意投進任一容器，融入所有環境，這是你能付出的努力，不想被隔離與無法妥協之間，你懷疑一切都是自己的過錯。苦思著無關痛癢的問題，你己經忘了自己最真實的渴望是甚麼。拼命地尋找，尋找那把打開大門的鑰匙，你希望有人在門的另一邊等著你，你相信門後的就是你想要的，顯然你不清楚門後躲藏著甚麼，你只是盲目地相信。

你能吃能睡，睡得酣甜，這幾天下來，做過甚麼夢，醒來後卻不留痕蹟，好像在睜開眼前一秒有人吃掉你整晚編織的夢似的，你毫無印象在夢裡遇見了甚麼。「真希望我能保留昨晚的夢」你這樣對自己說，因為你相信，那個朝思暮想的人，在夢裡浮現，但坐在日光下，你只好讓新的一天重來，因為你失去記憶，重複的晝夜替換，你又快老一歲。

So you are like a mad man, you talk to yourself. You only want to talk to yourself and no one else. Left alone in a room, the scenery from the window is all the scenery you have. You don't want to become anyone, but anyone's words could coerce you into being something else, someone else. You believe that hiding yourself from the world out there, will allow you to escape other people's eyes. No one will see you, you can do whatever you want. Only when you get out of the room, you realize no one acknowledges your existence. The fear has arrived, born out of the solitude.

You see yourself as a flow of water, you are willing to put into any container, into all kinds of environments - that's the effort you're willing to make. You don't want to be isolated but you are unable to compromise, you suspect that everything is your own fault. You've been thinking about questions that don't really matter, you've forgotten your truest desires. Desperately seeking to find the key that unlocks the door that confines you, you wish for someone to be on the other side of the door, you believe who or what lies behind the door is actually what you want. You want to believe, however, you don't know what waits for you, you move forward with blind hope. 

You eat and sleep - sleep becomes an escape. You don't remember the dreams you are having these days, no traces to be found, because all your dreams seem like they've never existed. As if someone has eaten each one of them before you could wake up. You have no idea what you have encountered in your dreams.  "I wish I could retain the dream from last night," you sadly murmur to yourself, because you believe that the one you've been thinking of, has appeared. But sitting in the sunlight, you had to let the new day in. With the heat of the sun, your dream has evaporated like water on the sidewalk. This repeats day in and day out, day after day, week after week, month after month - until you find yourself one year older.

葡萄牙北部一個市鎮的房間，下午五時，或之類的時間，光影打在牆上，光線中看到塵埃舞動，喚起叫人懷念的輕聲細語。

我將你熱情的舌頭遞到我的胸脯前，請你盡情地打圈，不是你養的貓咪似乎明白所有月光下的苟且，我要再投入些用以去掉偷竊的血腥，配合我墮落的靈魂，但西灣湖的平靜卻過份溫柔。

要是我們還在維也納，你便依舊是攝影師，我便依舊是拍攝對象，拍下這組，與我們在 Hundertwasser 博物館看過的照片相似的照片。

「你沒有告訴我，你喜歡我甚麼。」

「我不用告訴你，因為我就在這裡，和你在一起。」




It was five o’clock in the afternoon. The light from the north of Portugal fills this room. The light is beautiful and it reminds the smell of passion, the kiss of desire.

Our bodies mingle with the flying dust.

The cat adopted by the house lady observes everything; everything smells like crime. I ought to leave it behind, but the moonlight is bright while the night is shy.

Guess we should still be in Vienna, then you would still be the photographer and I would be photographed. Ain’t the images look like those we have seen in Hundertwasser?

“You didn’t tell me why you like me.”

“I don’t have to tell you. Because I’m here with you.”

還有兩天便回紐約，突然覺得特別難過，怎麼一個月過得那麼快，捨不得家人，留戀這地方有朋友帶來歡樂，甚至我熟悉的床單和凌亂的房間也叫我依依不捨。沒有勇氣去面對孤獨，沒有足夠的堅強去面對自己選擇的這條路。從前只會對他方想念，澳門這地方總是能夠說離開便離開，但我終於體會到這裡帶給我實實在在的歸屬感。我怕會不會有天我因為了解了現實而不能再暴露自己過多的情感。

Sometimes I do want to feel hurt by you, otherwise I don't know how to let go of you. 

平行時空上有個人和我如此相似

相似的人像畫風甚至乎臉上的兩點

居住地只不過隔了個海

似乎我們都去過那些地方旅行

拍下色彩飽和度相近的風景照

我懼怕有人於莫名中和我如此相似

那麼我便不會是那個唯一了

There are thousands of way to say the same thing 

And there are thousands of thoughts fly through before I say it 

I know I'm just playing with words

I even don't know what I want

It's good that you know what you want

So I 

Rather don't speak

Words are useless 

At the end I admire your politeness.

Not to talk with anyone for the whole day is a real challenge for me. New York New York, what a choice of mine. I've got to be bright bright bright.

Girl go eat your self pity and move your ass.

Attention seeker. 

Dear New York, you have too much dust.

everyone is just passing through.

我不能忘記書寫，因為那是我唯一的傾訴對像。我是我自己的風景，過於狹隘卻又如此真實。人與人之間的距離叫人如此不安，佔有慾是一切罪惡的元兇，然後，寧願與孤獨為伴，避免過份熱情，避免，一廂情願。

根本就像一下子解除了魔咒，突然就沒有那麼重要了。

這五個月在紐約其實確實有點孤單，熟悉我的朋友都知道我是有多煩人，後悔了嗎？我到底有進步嗎？學到甚麼了嗎？一直往前走卻又不停往後看，明知道過往的風景已經改變了。oh baby baby it's a wild world. it's hard to get by just upon a smile. and i'll always remember you like a child girl. 有時候會滿是懷疑而失去勇氣，可能，我是說可能，因為看過的風景已經超出我的好奇，所以已經無法再像從前般傻呼呼地覺得處處是驚喜，反而只會冷漠地回應「是嗎？所以呢？」但那天有朋友提醒我，如果不是你曾經有出走的熱情，然後走過想走的路，今天，也許就只會對別人懷著羨慕的眼光然後心裡想著真希望自己能走一趟。所以一切都是值得的。我設計了一個情緒急救練習，每次我覺得前面沒甚麼好期待的時候，我就回去看看那些從前的照片，呀，是呀，是當初的勇氣把我帶到今天。