我沒有想過我會那麼的不適應紐約的生活。一年前在葡萄牙駐場創作的時候，我就想過這問題，到底哪裡是我的城市，人又為甚麼要離開熟悉的環境、心愛的人去到遠方，到底追尋的是甚麼。這不是我頭一次離開澳門，可是這一次，牽掛特別多，不知道是不是安全感就是會隨著年齡增長而遞減，我覺得我現在更像是十八歲，不懂如何照顧自己，無知與慌張使得我精神緊崩，對一切的未知不覺得好奇反而想要避而遠之，只想靜靜待在自己的角落。零下的溫度和乾燥的天氣很迅速地把我弄病了，發燒兩天，臥病在床，幸好分別有兩位朋友剛好也在紐約，一個幫我買了些食材煮粥給我吃，另一個趕快幫我買了個增濕器，第一個週末就是如此辛酸地熬過去了。之後因為對遠方無比的想念，我每天都沉浸在失落的情緒裡。朋友幫我開了塔羅牌，準得嚇了我一跳，簡直把我現在的心情倒模般描繪出來。遠方的朋友替我打氣，但始終我要獨自面對孤獨，面對生活的大小事，挑床單我挑了大半天也挑不到合適的，還有很多生活用品還沒配置，不知道是因為人在外看錢特別大，還是物價的確貴，看到好多東西比了價以後就捨不得買。現在回想這十多天，我在頭兩天的確有興奮過，認識了一些來自歐洲的交換學生，去了 MoMa 看 Henri Matisse 的剪紙畫作，免費看了 Emma Stone 主演的 Broadway Show Cabaret。但生病之後我的心情變得愈來愈沉重。我知道紐約這城市實在有太多可以看的東西，但首先我必須調適好自己的心情。（今天煮烏冬還因為切洋蔥而切到手指...）

hello new york

紐約你好。第一天，你送我的見面禮是零下十度的天氣和雪景。跑到遠遠的皇后區，第一間看過的房間租金每月550美金，這房租在紐約來說，可以算是無法再低，而且條件不錯，於是趕緊跟房東簽下半年租約。房間空間大，有屬於自己的小陽台，在一面牆有一個很大的窗戶，在另一面牆有另一個小窗戶，房東說，早上陽光會在大窗戶那邊灑進來，下午就從小窗戶灑進來。世事當然不會完美無缺。住處要走十分鐘左右才會到地鐵站，通勤上學的時間約一個多小時，嗯哼，而且房東夫妻是住在隔壁的房間，我們會共用廚房和大廳，怎麼突然我覺得自己是住在寄宿家庭。下午四點多天就開始黑了，五點已經全黑，去了找朋友。朋友會在紐約留兩個星期，我們在他下塌的酒店公寓共享外帶的晚餐。能在異地與家鄉的朋友相聚，在這種天氣下算是種莫大的慰藉。晚上九點多就道別回自己住處，人在他鄉不敢在入黑後於街上流連，外面又更冷了。

睡了一覺，在早上因暖氣過熱和外面響安的情況下，我在凌晨五點就扎醒了，來到第二天。我開始把所有的憂慮變成早餐，慢慢嚼吞，每個決定都似乎很重大，我選擇入住的出租房、選擇的學位、選擇離開 comfort zone 來到紐約。我只能活一次，怎麼會知道所做的決定是否最完美，但願紐約能使我每天活力充沛而不致於叫我懊悔。因為居住環境不一樣，很多生活習慣必須要有所適應，譬如說，我不能再以為我可以緩慢悠閒神遊般地過日子了。

I have been places, there is always somewhere makes you feel better of yourself, somewhere makes you feel worse. Some brings calm, the other brings frustration. But I've never felt belonging to any. Not even the place I was born in or the place I'm living in. No matter where I am, my room is my kingdom and I'm my own landscape. I found that I'm always missing someone afar, someone living in another city, another reality. Where is my city? I come to learn that, my city is where my heart is placed.

於城市與城市之間，流離朗蕩。總會有那麼一個地方，叫我自在，又於另一境地，變得自我厭惡。某個他方使我平靜，某個異域使我抓狂。而我知道，我並不屬於任何地方；非出生地，非居留地。即便軀體於地域上轉移，我只想留在房間，築起我的王國，自成風景。思緒落在遠方。別處、異境，總有人叫我記掛。到底哪裡是我的城市？終究在於心屬何方。

Once again. I'm like a fool.

I don't even know how to handle my jealousy.... I also wish you give me more confidence.... (at least as much as I give to you)

I miss you. But I feel that it's important to realize that feeling from time to time. So I would understand how uneasy it is to have you next to me and don't take it for granted when it happens. 

Thoughts just jump into my head. Don't stay away for too long ...

But deep down in my heart, I thank you for all the distance you keep. Discreet is a way lead me to recognize how you are truly meaningful to me. I wish I'm wiser and make you feel comfort. I wish I will never harm you. Every truthful and significant treasure won't reveal just by a glance. Lead me to be a patient one. And discover the precious pearl.

My phone is not working well again. Just like us. Must be the moon. Must be the Mercury going back backward. Sing a song. Make a wish. Wish tomorrow there is a smile on our face again. And I can kiss on your lips again. You've got me. Don't run. Don't stay in your comfort zone. My Adventurer. 

I have been places, there is always somewhere makes you feel better of yourself, somewhere makes you feel worse. Some brings calm, the other brings frustration. But I've never felt belonging to any. Not even the place I was born in or the place I'm living in. No matter where I am, my room is my kingdom and I'm my own landscape. I found that I'm always missing someone afar, someone living in another city, another reality. Where is my city? I come to learn that, my city is where my heart is placed.

於城市與城市之間，流離浪蕩。總會有那麼一個地方，叫我自在，又於另一境地，變得自我厭惡。某個他方使我平靜，某個異域使我抓狂。而我知道，我並不屬於任何地方；非出生地，非居留地。即便軀體於地域上轉移，我只想留在房間，築起我的王國，自成風景。思緒落在遠方。別處、異境，總有人叫我記掛。到底哪裡是我的城市？終究在於心屬何方。

2014/11/17

If art is the only important thing for now, so then I won't still be lingering. It's going backward but it's actually going forward, forward to the dream we've ever dreamt. Nothing we can foresee. But we have now. We don't have the whole other self. But we emerge. Space and distance, if detachment could really help. What if I doubt. All and all, I just want to believe. Believe in the eternity of the fragments, the tender lips, and the heart beat.

So it comes the morning now, 11 am. I lost all the dream I have dreamt during the sleep. I know I'm too emotional and you are too rational. I know we will never get to the same point. 

I believe it's all about the moon. Suddenly the mood change. You are no longer where you were and I am no longer where I was. We are up and down like sea tide. There were happy moments, it's still there, it's still there, then it's gone. A promise is a promise; a secret is a secret. My arm was numb, I remember that, because of your sleeping head, I knew I wanted to remember that. Right on that moment. I knew we only would have that moment. No crying. 

Actually I cried. 

It's a process, just a process, to miss someone so deep in a phrase of your life. Then it will fade and vanish. Like everything else in the world. We live and die. So grab it, when you can, when that's what you want. I have no shame, no regret and dignity. All I have is fear. Fear to hold anything tight. We all suppose to be free and respectful. We suppose to learn and go deep to our spiritual level. And to accept the fruit / ash of everything. Though I prefer just to live and breath, to love when I feel like. I would rather throw away all the theories and intellectual philosophy talk. Just to live my life as I wish, at least once and only can be once. Too much history get to learn, too much concept need to be told. Leave it and live it.

And mark the date, the reunion of the kiss, 24th October 2014.

The place you are going to, I'm already not there 

I don't want anything from you. I want to be being with you.

Sleeping is when you can be off from your emotions

feel like the ants walking over the body. do you also know that feeling?

this happen when you have someone in your mind and you don't know how to let go.

"It's not hiding, it's just not sharing."

"Be free and honest"

The ones have ever be the closest, end up become the most distant.