窗外的天色瞬間變幻，驟來驟去，是虛也是實。虛實總是以並行的形式出現。
成群飛鳥愛佇足於對面的樹梢枝幹上，偶爾也於我窗前盤旋，日出時分，若是牠們在窗前的鐵欄上稍作停留，橘黃色的光線便於室內的牆上複製出牠們的影子。天朗氣清的日子，多半是易滿足的、不愛生事的日子。
2017-02-15
2017-01-17
2017-01-16
2016-07-15
居無定所 MOVABLE HOME
居無定所
MOVABLE HOME
「不要讓世界的重量把你壓倒，不要讓頭上的天空成為夢魘。」
- Benjamin，2016年1月
“Don’t let the weight of the world get you down. Don’t let the sky be a nightmare.”
- Benjamin, 2016 January
五月學期結束，最傷腦筋的環節是清空學校的儲物櫃。數幅大型油畫、一厚疊紙本絲網印刷、雕塑作品、顏料工具箱，打包收拾好叫車載回家。
The academic year ended in May, it’s a big challenge to clear out the locker and to take home all my paintings, sketching pads, silkscreen prints, sculpture, and working tools.
還有更傷腦筋的事：我又要搬家。
There is a bigger challenge than that: to move home.
一年半前初到步紐約，以房租低廉為首要租住條件，我搬進皇后區 Middle Village 一獨幢屋三樓，偌大的一個房間，與房東、房東太太還有兩位女住客共用廚房和洗手間。跟房東還會偶爾聊上幾句，不過房東太太卻整天板著臉，好像整個世界對不起她似的；另外一位女租客性格也怪靈怪氣，會無緣無故對著牆壁嚎叫。後來才聽說其實房東想嚷她走，可惜她不肯走，房東也拿她沒辦法。在這樣的環境下，回到家我就關在自己房裡，跟同屋的人都甚少交流。好不容易待了半年，租約滿了決定搬離。
One and a half years ago, I settled down in Middle Village in Queens when I first arrived in New York. My room was on the third floor of a town house, cheap rent, and spacious. I shared the kitchen and bathroom with my landlords, a married middle-aged Chinese couple, and two other female roommates. I talked with the husband sometimes, but the wife was always with an angry face and was not interested to have any conversation. One of the female roommates wasn’t any better. She sometimes yelled at the wall for no reason. Later on I figured out that actually the landlords wanted her to move out but she refused. It wasn't a friendly living environment so I basically locked myself in my room most of the time. The lease lasted for half a year and once it ended, I decided to move out.
去年八月回了澳門一個月，九月回到紐約時暫住朋友家，然後很倉猝地找房。紐約一間單人房的租金一般在八百至一千五百元美金之間，而我的租房預算只有五百元美金。陳蔚的兩位朋友戴亮以及法克在布魯克林 Putnam 大道租住的獨幢屋剛好有一間細小的房間，完本不打算外租，但如果我有需要，可以以超低價四百五十元美金轉租給我，這樣也可以幫補他們的水、電、媒氣、網路費用開銷。房間很小，放下一張單人床墊以及一個書架之後，基本上沒剩甚麼空間了。不過由於是獨幢屋的關係，這住處的廚房和客廳都相當闊落，有後花園以及地下室，一共有四個衛生間。我和戴亮的房間在二樓，法克的房間在一樓。盡管房間比過往住在 Middle Village 的房間細小，但布魯克林的 Bushwick 區始終比皇后區有生氣。反正和房東住在同一屋簷下實在是個不好的主意，也慶幸不用再忍受房東太太的無禮對待。
Last August I was in Macao. When I returned to New York in September, I stayed temporarily in a friend’s place and had to find a room in just a few days. Rent in New York is typically around 800 USD to 1500 USD, but I set my budget to 500 USD. Chen Wai heard that I was looking for a room in a rush and referred me to two of her friends, Frank and Dai Liang. They were renting a townhouse on Putnam Avenue in Brooklyn and there was a tiny room available. Initially, they were not thinking to rent out that tiny room; but if I could live with that, they would only charge me 450 USD. They could also use that money to help cover the housing expenses such as fees for water, electricity, gas and the Internet. The room was so tiny that it could only fit one single bed and a bookshelf. However, the kitchen and the sitting room were quite spacious. There was also a backyard, basement, and four bathrooms. Dai Liang and I stayed on the upper floor while Frank stayed on the ground floor. Even though my bedroom was much smaller than the one I had in Queens, living in Bushwick felt more lively; not to mention that it’s totally a bad idea to live with your landlord.
法克和戴亮都是 SVA 平面設計系的學生。法克來自四川，他和我的狀況有些相似，先在武漢大學日語學士畢業，工作了一段時間後決定到紐約投考平面設計學士。他的頭髮稍長，在家裡都會帶髮箍，個子高而且壯健，由於長時間坐在電腦前埋頭苦幹而少了段練，長了點肉，二十六歲，在我還沒出現前，他算是朋友圈當中的「老男人」了。戴亮來自新疆，但他其實是漢人，身型比較瘦小，二十二歲，他有著春光乍洩裡面黎耀輝的那種氣質，本來在頭頂上留了長髮會扎起一束小馬尾，後來整理了平頭裝，像個華人電影裡面的小流氓，亦更加有黎耀輝的神韻。他們兩個的面形不同，但他們笑嘻嘻的方式卻很相像，總是打從心裡笑出來一樣，像孩子般真誠但又帶點淘氣。
Frank and Dai Liang both major in graphic design at SVA. Frank is from Sichuan and has a similar situation as mine. He has a bachelor degree in Japanese Studies from Wuhan University. After working for a while, he decided to apply for a graphic design undergraduate program in New York. He always wears a headband for his slightly long hair. As he has been sitting in front of his computer too often, it has begun to take a toll on his otherwise fit body. At the age of 26, he is considered the “old man” among the friend circle. Dai Liang is from Xinjiang, however, he is Han. He is 22, and has a body type and attitude as that of Lai from Wong Kar Wai’s movie “Happy Together.” He used to have a pony tail on the top of his head, a top knot. He looks more like Lai after he shaved his head. Frank and Dai Liang have totally different types of faces, but the way they laugh is quite the same. It is a hearty laugh, like a child, innocent but a touch of naughty.
有時會有些朋友到我們家串門子開派對，包括陳蔚。她是SVA 室內設計系，來自潮州，會說不太標準的廣東話，雖然對飲食十分節制不過身型還是略胖，笑的時候眼睛會咪起來，說話並不尖銳，話語間帶點溫柔與慈祥。她同時是朋友圈裡面把所有人連起來的關鍵人物，似乎我們都是經由她而互相認識。在廣東長大的北京人萬順達，他們常說他長得像竇唯，反正我並不知道竇唯長甚麼樣子，他講話的方式像一個古代的文人雅士，像念詩那樣慢吞吞地吐出每一個字，句末的那個字會拉長壓扁。北京人劉佳林講話的速度像跑馬燈，有時候我會跟不上。張開來自杭州，他和日本來的 Masa 借用了我們的地下室組樂隊練習。他們幾個都是純藝術學系，所以我們有時候會在純藝大樓碰頭。平面設計系的一一來自蘇州，常常通宵趕作業的關係，少女氣質的臉龐上長了很深的黑眼圈，同系的王彪大概也因為太操勞的關係，一個學年下來瘦了一整圈。
Their friends come to our place to party. Chen Wai is one of them. She studies interior design. She is from Chaozhou and can speak Cantonese, though not in a very accurate accent. She has been on a diet from the first day I met her; but still, she looks a bit chubby. Her eyes arch when she smiles. We all know each other because of her, maybe because she is such a warm person. Another friend Wan is from Beijing but grew up in Canton. They often say that he looks like the Chinese musician Dou Wei. But who cares who is Dou Wei. He talks like a old time poet, each word climbs out slowly and gently from his mouth, and the last word, always sounds slightly longer and flattened. Lyn is also from Beijing. She talks fast as if in a race. Sometimes I can't keep up with her. Zhangkai is from Hangzhou, he and Masa (Japanese) have their band practice in our basement. They all study Fine Arts so I would see them sometimes in our Fine Arts Building. Yiyi is from Suzhou, she majors in Graphic Design, which keeps her up all night and leaves dark circles on her girlish face. Biao shares the same major, he became half his size after one academic year.
我才剛搬進去不久，他們大伙兒便來我們家吃火鍋慶祝中秋節。那是第一次與他們圍坐在一起。他們之間都是相識了有兩三年的朋友，年紀相若，在二十二歲附近，很愛互相調侃。當他們得知我二十九歲，萬順達很天真無邪地說了一句「你的年紀比我的大姐還大」，有些人驚覺他的無禮而顯得尷尬，有些人禁不住大笑。我自嘲，終有一天你們會知道其實二十九歲還是會住著一個長不大的心靈。
像這樣的火鍋聚會一年下來我們都辦過好幾次，偶爾會打麻雀，大家都喝得醉薰薰之後會放舞曲搖動身體。
Soon after I moved in, they came over for hot pot to celebrate the Mid-Autumn Festival. That was the first time I met all of them. They have known each other for about three years and they are all around 22. They love to tease each other. When they realized that I was 29, Wan was shocked and responded that I was even older than his oldest sister. Some were embarrassed by what he said, some laughed. I told them, one day you all would find out that a 29 years old body could actually contain a child-like mind.
After that time, we had a few more hot pot parties. Sometimes we play Majong, other times we dance while we are all tipsy.
其實我們家的住處算是挺費力氣才能到達，畢竟 L train 要坐到 Myrtle Ave & Wyckoff Ave，然後還要走十五分鐘的路程。住在 New Jersey 的一一和張開，更是隔了整個曼哈頓的距離，所以在我們家派對結束後，他們一般只好付昂貴的車資搭 Uber 回家。如果坐地鐵的話，要花上兩個多小時吧。
It’s not a hassle-free trip to our home from anywhere. It involves first taking the L train to Myrtle Ave & Wyckoff Ave, then there is a 15 minutes walk. Yiyi and Zhangkai live in New Jersey, which means they have to cross Manhattan. Often they have to take an expensive Uber ride home after the parties. The alternative is to take a two hour train ride home.
住在這區大多數是非洲裔以及拉丁美洲裔，偶爾會聽到黑人鄰居與朋友交談時扯高氣昂地喊著 “Nigga, nigga”。當然如果我們對著他們喊 nigga 就會被視作無禮，但非裔美國人卻時常這樣互相稱呼。在車站附近有好幾檔墨西哥美食車，嘴饞的時候我會買來一份牛舌 tacos。Myrtle 大道亦會偶爾舉行充滿拉丁美洲特色的週末市場。不過除此之外，這區其實並沒有甚麼過人之處，離潮人集中地 Williamsburg 或者是新興的 Bushwick 都相差甚遠。我們家所屬的範圍雖然勉強算是 Bushwick 區，但真正 Bushwick 潮店集中在 L train 線上的 Morgan 站或者是 Montrose 站，甚至是 Jefferson 或 DeKalb 站也不錯，有很多獨具一格的咖啡館、酒吧、二手衣店或者聽現場音樂的場所。因為有朋友住在 Montrose 那一站，所以我去過幾次 Duck Duck 以及 Tradesman 喝酒。Morgan 那站最有名應該算是 Roberta’s Pizza，那區亦進駐了很多藝術家工作室以及畫廊，Williamsburg 區名氣高的場所實在多不勝數，而且生活在那邊大多數是年輕人或藝術家，當然那邊的租金都不便宜，跟曼哈頓的租金相若。不過 L train 擬於2019年整修，現在還在全民諮詢到底要如何實行這個方案，全市議論紛紛，這個全紐約最多人乘搭的線路將要關閉整整十八個月，到時情況會怎麼樣呢？
The neighborhood is filled with African Americans and Latin Americans. I could often hear the black people calling each other “Nigga, nigga”. For us, it would be rude to use that word. There are quite a few Mexican food carts near the train station; sometimes I would get a lengua taco from one of them. Myrtle Ave holds a Latin Market on the weekends. But that’s it. There isn't much going on in the neighborhood. There is nothing close to the hipster Williamsburg, or the new trendy other parts of Bushwick. Where we are living is kind of on the edge of Bushwick. Morgan Station and Montrose Station are hipper parts of Bushwick. Jefferson Station and DeKalb Station are not that bad either. There are many cool cafes, bars, second hand clothing stores, and live music venues. My friend lives near Montrose Station. I have been to Duck Duck and Tradesman a few times. Roberta’s Pizza probably is the most well known place in Morgan Station. That area is full of artists’ studios and galleries. Williamsburg is the coolest, with countless trendy shops and restaurants packed with artsy young people. The rent there is as high as those in Manhattan. When the news mentioned that the L train would shut down for maintenance in 2019, it seemed like a nightmare for a lot of people. It became the most talked-about issue; no one knows how life would be if the L train closed for 18 months.
由於租金上漲的關係，法克和戴亮不打算續租目前這個獨幢屋，在我收捨行李回澳門過炎夏之際，同時需要將家當封箱，等到九月份返回紐約之後就要另覓新住址。租金便宜是我的首要規範，所以還不知道有沒有辦法和他們繼續當室友，也不知道下一站會住在哪裡。居無定所的狀態真有一種流浪的姿味。
Because the rent was raised, Frank and Dai Liang decided not to continue renting this townhouse. It was also time to pack my luggage home for the hot summer in Macao. It was time to pack all my belongings into cardboard boxes. The home hunting mission will repeat in the coming September. Where can I build my bird nest with my small budget? Will I still have them as my roommates? A movable home is like not having a real home.
或許像海明威那樣，他只能在回頭看時才能看清，當年二十多歲在巴黎所面對的貧窮困境、年輕時所擁有的不凡自信，以及遇過的各種人物，然後有一種原來如此的懷緬之情。
Perhaps, that’s what made Hemingway nostalgic about his twenties in Paris. Only when he looked back, did he understand the reason behind all the starving, staying poor, and confidence of youth. All those people he had encountered; they all meant something.
*Macau Closer 2016 July Issue Column 澳門特寫2016年7月號專欄*
MOVABLE HOME
「不要讓世界的重量把你壓倒，不要讓頭上的天空成為夢魘。」
- Benjamin，2016年1月
“Don’t let the weight of the world get you down. Don’t let the sky be a nightmare.”
- Benjamin, 2016 January
五月學期結束，最傷腦筋的環節是清空學校的儲物櫃。數幅大型油畫、一厚疊紙本絲網印刷、雕塑作品、顏料工具箱，打包收拾好叫車載回家。
The academic year ended in May, it’s a big challenge to clear out the locker and to take home all my paintings, sketching pads, silkscreen prints, sculpture, and working tools.
還有更傷腦筋的事：我又要搬家。
There is a bigger challenge than that: to move home.
一年半前初到步紐約，以房租低廉為首要租住條件，我搬進皇后區 Middle Village 一獨幢屋三樓，偌大的一個房間，與房東、房東太太還有兩位女住客共用廚房和洗手間。跟房東還會偶爾聊上幾句，不過房東太太卻整天板著臉，好像整個世界對不起她似的；另外一位女租客性格也怪靈怪氣，會無緣無故對著牆壁嚎叫。後來才聽說其實房東想嚷她走，可惜她不肯走，房東也拿她沒辦法。在這樣的環境下，回到家我就關在自己房裡，跟同屋的人都甚少交流。好不容易待了半年，租約滿了決定搬離。
One and a half years ago, I settled down in Middle Village in Queens when I first arrived in New York. My room was on the third floor of a town house, cheap rent, and spacious. I shared the kitchen and bathroom with my landlords, a married middle-aged Chinese couple, and two other female roommates. I talked with the husband sometimes, but the wife was always with an angry face and was not interested to have any conversation. One of the female roommates wasn’t any better. She sometimes yelled at the wall for no reason. Later on I figured out that actually the landlords wanted her to move out but she refused. It wasn't a friendly living environment so I basically locked myself in my room most of the time. The lease lasted for half a year and once it ended, I decided to move out.
去年八月回了澳門一個月，九月回到紐約時暫住朋友家，然後很倉猝地找房。紐約一間單人房的租金一般在八百至一千五百元美金之間，而我的租房預算只有五百元美金。陳蔚的兩位朋友戴亮以及法克在布魯克林 Putnam 大道租住的獨幢屋剛好有一間細小的房間，完本不打算外租，但如果我有需要，可以以超低價四百五十元美金轉租給我，這樣也可以幫補他們的水、電、媒氣、網路費用開銷。房間很小，放下一張單人床墊以及一個書架之後，基本上沒剩甚麼空間了。不過由於是獨幢屋的關係，這住處的廚房和客廳都相當闊落，有後花園以及地下室，一共有四個衛生間。我和戴亮的房間在二樓，法克的房間在一樓。盡管房間比過往住在 Middle Village 的房間細小，但布魯克林的 Bushwick 區始終比皇后區有生氣。反正和房東住在同一屋簷下實在是個不好的主意，也慶幸不用再忍受房東太太的無禮對待。
Last August I was in Macao. When I returned to New York in September, I stayed temporarily in a friend’s place and had to find a room in just a few days. Rent in New York is typically around 800 USD to 1500 USD, but I set my budget to 500 USD. Chen Wai heard that I was looking for a room in a rush and referred me to two of her friends, Frank and Dai Liang. They were renting a townhouse on Putnam Avenue in Brooklyn and there was a tiny room available. Initially, they were not thinking to rent out that tiny room; but if I could live with that, they would only charge me 450 USD. They could also use that money to help cover the housing expenses such as fees for water, electricity, gas and the Internet. The room was so tiny that it could only fit one single bed and a bookshelf. However, the kitchen and the sitting room were quite spacious. There was also a backyard, basement, and four bathrooms. Dai Liang and I stayed on the upper floor while Frank stayed on the ground floor. Even though my bedroom was much smaller than the one I had in Queens, living in Bushwick felt more lively; not to mention that it’s totally a bad idea to live with your landlord.
法克和戴亮都是 SVA 平面設計系的學生。法克來自四川，他和我的狀況有些相似，先在武漢大學日語學士畢業，工作了一段時間後決定到紐約投考平面設計學士。他的頭髮稍長，在家裡都會帶髮箍，個子高而且壯健，由於長時間坐在電腦前埋頭苦幹而少了段練，長了點肉，二十六歲，在我還沒出現前，他算是朋友圈當中的「老男人」了。戴亮來自新疆，但他其實是漢人，身型比較瘦小，二十二歲，他有著春光乍洩裡面黎耀輝的那種氣質，本來在頭頂上留了長髮會扎起一束小馬尾，後來整理了平頭裝，像個華人電影裡面的小流氓，亦更加有黎耀輝的神韻。他們兩個的面形不同，但他們笑嘻嘻的方式卻很相像，總是打從心裡笑出來一樣，像孩子般真誠但又帶點淘氣。
Frank and Dai Liang both major in graphic design at SVA. Frank is from Sichuan and has a similar situation as mine. He has a bachelor degree in Japanese Studies from Wuhan University. After working for a while, he decided to apply for a graphic design undergraduate program in New York. He always wears a headband for his slightly long hair. As he has been sitting in front of his computer too often, it has begun to take a toll on his otherwise fit body. At the age of 26, he is considered the “old man” among the friend circle. Dai Liang is from Xinjiang, however, he is Han. He is 22, and has a body type and attitude as that of Lai from Wong Kar Wai’s movie “Happy Together.” He used to have a pony tail on the top of his head, a top knot. He looks more like Lai after he shaved his head. Frank and Dai Liang have totally different types of faces, but the way they laugh is quite the same. It is a hearty laugh, like a child, innocent but a touch of naughty.
有時會有些朋友到我們家串門子開派對，包括陳蔚。她是SVA 室內設計系，來自潮州，會說不太標準的廣東話，雖然對飲食十分節制不過身型還是略胖，笑的時候眼睛會咪起來，說話並不尖銳，話語間帶點溫柔與慈祥。她同時是朋友圈裡面把所有人連起來的關鍵人物，似乎我們都是經由她而互相認識。在廣東長大的北京人萬順達，他們常說他長得像竇唯，反正我並不知道竇唯長甚麼樣子，他講話的方式像一個古代的文人雅士，像念詩那樣慢吞吞地吐出每一個字，句末的那個字會拉長壓扁。北京人劉佳林講話的速度像跑馬燈，有時候我會跟不上。張開來自杭州，他和日本來的 Masa 借用了我們的地下室組樂隊練習。他們幾個都是純藝術學系，所以我們有時候會在純藝大樓碰頭。平面設計系的一一來自蘇州，常常通宵趕作業的關係，少女氣質的臉龐上長了很深的黑眼圈，同系的王彪大概也因為太操勞的關係，一個學年下來瘦了一整圈。
Their friends come to our place to party. Chen Wai is one of them. She studies interior design. She is from Chaozhou and can speak Cantonese, though not in a very accurate accent. She has been on a diet from the first day I met her; but still, she looks a bit chubby. Her eyes arch when she smiles. We all know each other because of her, maybe because she is such a warm person. Another friend Wan is from Beijing but grew up in Canton. They often say that he looks like the Chinese musician Dou Wei. But who cares who is Dou Wei. He talks like a old time poet, each word climbs out slowly and gently from his mouth, and the last word, always sounds slightly longer and flattened. Lyn is also from Beijing. She talks fast as if in a race. Sometimes I can't keep up with her. Zhangkai is from Hangzhou, he and Masa (Japanese) have their band practice in our basement. They all study Fine Arts so I would see them sometimes in our Fine Arts Building. Yiyi is from Suzhou, she majors in Graphic Design, which keeps her up all night and leaves dark circles on her girlish face. Biao shares the same major, he became half his size after one academic year.
我才剛搬進去不久，他們大伙兒便來我們家吃火鍋慶祝中秋節。那是第一次與他們圍坐在一起。他們之間都是相識了有兩三年的朋友，年紀相若，在二十二歲附近，很愛互相調侃。當他們得知我二十九歲，萬順達很天真無邪地說了一句「你的年紀比我的大姐還大」，有些人驚覺他的無禮而顯得尷尬，有些人禁不住大笑。我自嘲，終有一天你們會知道其實二十九歲還是會住著一個長不大的心靈。
像這樣的火鍋聚會一年下來我們都辦過好幾次，偶爾會打麻雀，大家都喝得醉薰薰之後會放舞曲搖動身體。
Soon after I moved in, they came over for hot pot to celebrate the Mid-Autumn Festival. That was the first time I met all of them. They have known each other for about three years and they are all around 22. They love to tease each other. When they realized that I was 29, Wan was shocked and responded that I was even older than his oldest sister. Some were embarrassed by what he said, some laughed. I told them, one day you all would find out that a 29 years old body could actually contain a child-like mind.
After that time, we had a few more hot pot parties. Sometimes we play Majong, other times we dance while we are all tipsy.
其實我們家的住處算是挺費力氣才能到達，畢竟 L train 要坐到 Myrtle Ave & Wyckoff Ave，然後還要走十五分鐘的路程。住在 New Jersey 的一一和張開，更是隔了整個曼哈頓的距離，所以在我們家派對結束後，他們一般只好付昂貴的車資搭 Uber 回家。如果坐地鐵的話，要花上兩個多小時吧。
It’s not a hassle-free trip to our home from anywhere. It involves first taking the L train to Myrtle Ave & Wyckoff Ave, then there is a 15 minutes walk. Yiyi and Zhangkai live in New Jersey, which means they have to cross Manhattan. Often they have to take an expensive Uber ride home after the parties. The alternative is to take a two hour train ride home.
住在這區大多數是非洲裔以及拉丁美洲裔，偶爾會聽到黑人鄰居與朋友交談時扯高氣昂地喊著 “Nigga, nigga”。當然如果我們對著他們喊 nigga 就會被視作無禮，但非裔美國人卻時常這樣互相稱呼。在車站附近有好幾檔墨西哥美食車，嘴饞的時候我會買來一份牛舌 tacos。Myrtle 大道亦會偶爾舉行充滿拉丁美洲特色的週末市場。不過除此之外，這區其實並沒有甚麼過人之處，離潮人集中地 Williamsburg 或者是新興的 Bushwick 都相差甚遠。我們家所屬的範圍雖然勉強算是 Bushwick 區，但真正 Bushwick 潮店集中在 L train 線上的 Morgan 站或者是 Montrose 站，甚至是 Jefferson 或 DeKalb 站也不錯，有很多獨具一格的咖啡館、酒吧、二手衣店或者聽現場音樂的場所。因為有朋友住在 Montrose 那一站，所以我去過幾次 Duck Duck 以及 Tradesman 喝酒。Morgan 那站最有名應該算是 Roberta’s Pizza，那區亦進駐了很多藝術家工作室以及畫廊，Williamsburg 區名氣高的場所實在多不勝數，而且生活在那邊大多數是年輕人或藝術家，當然那邊的租金都不便宜，跟曼哈頓的租金相若。不過 L train 擬於2019年整修，現在還在全民諮詢到底要如何實行這個方案，全市議論紛紛，這個全紐約最多人乘搭的線路將要關閉整整十八個月，到時情況會怎麼樣呢？
The neighborhood is filled with African Americans and Latin Americans. I could often hear the black people calling each other “Nigga, nigga”. For us, it would be rude to use that word. There are quite a few Mexican food carts near the train station; sometimes I would get a lengua taco from one of them. Myrtle Ave holds a Latin Market on the weekends. But that’s it. There isn't much going on in the neighborhood. There is nothing close to the hipster Williamsburg, or the new trendy other parts of Bushwick. Where we are living is kind of on the edge of Bushwick. Morgan Station and Montrose Station are hipper parts of Bushwick. Jefferson Station and DeKalb Station are not that bad either. There are many cool cafes, bars, second hand clothing stores, and live music venues. My friend lives near Montrose Station. I have been to Duck Duck and Tradesman a few times. Roberta’s Pizza probably is the most well known place in Morgan Station. That area is full of artists’ studios and galleries. Williamsburg is the coolest, with countless trendy shops and restaurants packed with artsy young people. The rent there is as high as those in Manhattan. When the news mentioned that the L train would shut down for maintenance in 2019, it seemed like a nightmare for a lot of people. It became the most talked-about issue; no one knows how life would be if the L train closed for 18 months.
由於租金上漲的關係，法克和戴亮不打算續租目前這個獨幢屋，在我收捨行李回澳門過炎夏之際，同時需要將家當封箱，等到九月份返回紐約之後就要另覓新住址。租金便宜是我的首要規範，所以還不知道有沒有辦法和他們繼續當室友，也不知道下一站會住在哪裡。居無定所的狀態真有一種流浪的姿味。
Because the rent was raised, Frank and Dai Liang decided not to continue renting this townhouse. It was also time to pack my luggage home for the hot summer in Macao. It was time to pack all my belongings into cardboard boxes. The home hunting mission will repeat in the coming September. Where can I build my bird nest with my small budget? Will I still have them as my roommates? A movable home is like not having a real home.
或許像海明威那樣，他只能在回頭看時才能看清，當年二十多歲在巴黎所面對的貧窮困境、年輕時所擁有的不凡自信，以及遇過的各種人物，然後有一種原來如此的懷緬之情。
Perhaps, that’s what made Hemingway nostalgic about his twenties in Paris. Only when he looked back, did he understand the reason behind all the starving, staying poor, and confidence of youth. All those people he had encountered; they all meant something.
*Macau Closer 2016 July Issue Column 澳門特寫2016年7月號專欄*
2016-07-09
2016-05-15
季節限定 IT’S SEASONAL
季節限定
IT’S SEASONAL
「紐約不是世界的中心。世界的中心就在你可以做你想做的事的任何地方。」
-Henry, 2016 年 4 月
“The center of the world is not New York. The center of the world is wherever you are able to do what you want.”
-Henry, April 2016
四季分明的紐約終於沒有再下雪，一覺醒來發現三月披着春天的氣息，陽光灑滿房間，窗外葱郁的繁枝茂葉有着蔚藍的天空作背景。走在路上發現街上的梨樹都開滿了小白花，我總是不自覺地掛上笑容，有著一種被大自然眷顧的欣喜。是春天，不是潮濕鬱悶的春天，而是陽光明媚的春天，帶來生氣與希望的春天。除了街上種遍了梨樹白花，公園都滿是海棠、紫荊、山楂樹、櫻花、木蘭花、杏花等，花卉的色調一致，整個城市像少女臉上的妝容，一片淡紅又一片粉白。舊式公寓牆身被藤蔓眷戀，庭園種滿鬱金香、百合，以及繡球花。有次經過 Bryant Park，望着圍繞四周的高大法國梧桐以及如織網般的翠綠樹梢，就這樣佇立著欣賞眼前景致好一個鐘，心房也得以綻放。
The winter snow has gone. New York, as a place that enjoys the well-marked seasons, has arrived with its spring look. I acknowledge this when I wake up one morning in March. The sunlight shines in through the window. I see green leaves with the blue sky as a backdrop. I walk down the street and find Callery Pear standing side by side, full blossoms of little white flowers. A smile spreads across my face spontaneously. I feel blessed by nature.
It is spring, not a gloomy and foggy spring; instead, a warm and bright spring. A spring that brings hope and life. Besides the blossoming little white flowers of Callery Pear, there are Crabapples, Eastern Redbuds, Hawthorns, Cherry Trees, Magnolias, and Almond trees also blooming. All flowers are in a similar tone of white and pink, like the colour of the cheeks of a young girl. Vines climb along the walls of houses, and front yards are planted with tulips, lilies and hydrangea. One time, I passed by Bryant Park looking up at the green net woven by the leaves from the surrounding tall London Planetrees. I just stood there and looked up for an hour, and my heart blossomed.
古人云，花開堪折直須折，看着路邊的花總有摘下的衝動，既然不該摘下路邊的花，就只好找個地方好好欣賞。一個星期六，我和同學相約到 Central Park 野餐。先在72街與Broadway交接的Trader Joe's採購食物。來自加洲的 Trader Joe’s 是我最喜愛的超級市場，大概也是紐約最受歡迎的超市。其價格親民，且自家品牌包裝復古精美。買了山核桃藍芝士沾醬、蔬菜條、餅乾、風乾火腿、火煎菜、水果，還帶了兩支玫瑰酒。從 Trader Joe’s 出來便向東走十分鐘到 Central Park，本想到 Sheep Meadow 的大草地，後知後覺，草坪每年四月至十月才開放，冬天月份則關閉作保養。所以我們隨意找了個草地，將羅野餐。
There is a saying in Chinese, “gather the blooming flowers while you may”. How could I not want to collect the beautiful flowers along the street? But instead of damaging the beautiful flower set up, I visit Central Park and enjoy its nature. I head off for a picnic with my classmates.
We first stop by Trader Joe’s at 72nd Street and Broadway. I guess the California supermarket chain Trader Joe’s is the most popular supermarket in New York, at least it is my favorite. Self-branded products are wrapped with a nice vintage style packaging, and at a friendly price. We pick up the pecan blue cheese dip, vegetable sticks, crackers, prosciutto, arugula, fruit, and two bottles of rosé.
From Trader Joe’s we take a 10-minute walk east and arrive at Central Park. I am sad to find out that Sheep Meadow is still closed for winter break and will only be open from April to October. So we randomly pick a green field nearby, and set up for the picnic. Since it’s prohibited to drink outdoors in New York, we hide our rosé in a paper bag and drink sneakily. Lying on the grass, we enjoy the afternoon with the sun shining on our skin until the sun sets and it gets cold.
來到四月，學期末的總評在整個星期陰雨連綿之中結束。似乎，我不該以為紐約的天氣總是如此放晴，況且，好與壞只不過是一種相對。Brooklyn Botanic Garden 大片櫻花盛開中，這場雨似乎還要下一個星期，不知道等晴天再次出現之時，櫻花盛放的季節會不會已經告一段落？
With April comes showers. The final week of school is sheltered with rain. Perhaps I shouldn’t presume there is always a blue sky in New York. Relatively good competes with relatively bad. It seems the rain is going to continue for one more week. When the sun comes back, will the sea of cherry blossoms in the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens still be in bloom? Or will the season be finished?
*Macau Closer 2016 May Issue Column 澳門特寫 2016年5月號專欄*
IT’S SEASONAL
「紐約不是世界的中心。世界的中心就在你可以做你想做的事的任何地方。」
-Henry, 2016 年 4 月
“The center of the world is not New York. The center of the world is wherever you are able to do what you want.”
-Henry, April 2016
四季分明的紐約終於沒有再下雪，一覺醒來發現三月披着春天的氣息，陽光灑滿房間，窗外葱郁的繁枝茂葉有着蔚藍的天空作背景。走在路上發現街上的梨樹都開滿了小白花，我總是不自覺地掛上笑容，有著一種被大自然眷顧的欣喜。是春天，不是潮濕鬱悶的春天，而是陽光明媚的春天，帶來生氣與希望的春天。除了街上種遍了梨樹白花，公園都滿是海棠、紫荊、山楂樹、櫻花、木蘭花、杏花等，花卉的色調一致，整個城市像少女臉上的妝容，一片淡紅又一片粉白。舊式公寓牆身被藤蔓眷戀，庭園種滿鬱金香、百合，以及繡球花。有次經過 Bryant Park，望着圍繞四周的高大法國梧桐以及如織網般的翠綠樹梢，就這樣佇立著欣賞眼前景致好一個鐘，心房也得以綻放。
The winter snow has gone. New York, as a place that enjoys the well-marked seasons, has arrived with its spring look. I acknowledge this when I wake up one morning in March. The sunlight shines in through the window. I see green leaves with the blue sky as a backdrop. I walk down the street and find Callery Pear standing side by side, full blossoms of little white flowers. A smile spreads across my face spontaneously. I feel blessed by nature.
It is spring, not a gloomy and foggy spring; instead, a warm and bright spring. A spring that brings hope and life. Besides the blossoming little white flowers of Callery Pear, there are Crabapples, Eastern Redbuds, Hawthorns, Cherry Trees, Magnolias, and Almond trees also blooming. All flowers are in a similar tone of white and pink, like the colour of the cheeks of a young girl. Vines climb along the walls of houses, and front yards are planted with tulips, lilies and hydrangea. One time, I passed by Bryant Park looking up at the green net woven by the leaves from the surrounding tall London Planetrees. I just stood there and looked up for an hour, and my heart blossomed.
古人云，花開堪折直須折，看着路邊的花總有摘下的衝動，既然不該摘下路邊的花，就只好找個地方好好欣賞。一個星期六，我和同學相約到 Central Park 野餐。先在72街與Broadway交接的Trader Joe's採購食物。來自加洲的 Trader Joe’s 是我最喜愛的超級市場，大概也是紐約最受歡迎的超市。其價格親民，且自家品牌包裝復古精美。買了山核桃藍芝士沾醬、蔬菜條、餅乾、風乾火腿、火煎菜、水果，還帶了兩支玫瑰酒。從 Trader Joe’s 出來便向東走十分鐘到 Central Park，本想到 Sheep Meadow 的大草地，後知後覺，草坪每年四月至十月才開放，冬天月份則關閉作保養。所以我們隨意找了個草地，將羅野餐。
There is a saying in Chinese, “gather the blooming flowers while you may”. How could I not want to collect the beautiful flowers along the street? But instead of damaging the beautiful flower set up, I visit Central Park and enjoy its nature. I head off for a picnic with my classmates.
We first stop by Trader Joe’s at 72nd Street and Broadway. I guess the California supermarket chain Trader Joe’s is the most popular supermarket in New York, at least it is my favorite. Self-branded products are wrapped with a nice vintage style packaging, and at a friendly price. We pick up the pecan blue cheese dip, vegetable sticks, crackers, prosciutto, arugula, fruit, and two bottles of rosé.
From Trader Joe’s we take a 10-minute walk east and arrive at Central Park. I am sad to find out that Sheep Meadow is still closed for winter break and will only be open from April to October. So we randomly pick a green field nearby, and set up for the picnic. Since it’s prohibited to drink outdoors in New York, we hide our rosé in a paper bag and drink sneakily. Lying on the grass, we enjoy the afternoon with the sun shining on our skin until the sun sets and it gets cold.
來到四月，學期末的總評在整個星期陰雨連綿之中結束。似乎，我不該以為紐約的天氣總是如此放晴，況且，好與壞只不過是一種相對。Brooklyn Botanic Garden 大片櫻花盛開中，這場雨似乎還要下一個星期，不知道等晴天再次出現之時，櫻花盛放的季節會不會已經告一段落？
With April comes showers. The final week of school is sheltered with rain. Perhaps I shouldn’t presume there is always a blue sky in New York. Relatively good competes with relatively bad. It seems the rain is going to continue for one more week. When the sun comes back, will the sea of cherry blossoms in the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens still be in bloom? Or will the season be finished?
*Macau Closer 2016 May Issue Column 澳門特寫 2016年5月號專欄*
2016-04-18
當無法認同一些東西或事情，到底，我會選擇做點甚麼去抵抗，抑或冷酷地甚麼都不做，以沉默表示輕視，表示不在乎，表示與我無關。能繼續隨心所慾地做事總是好的，要是我總被外界的挑引而打亂，恐怕我的一生只能忙於對抗，忙於爭辯，這樣我就無端地被轉移了視線，被分散了注意力。這世界一切荒謬的事情，我究竟有多在乎呢，終究所有生生滅滅又與我何干？我是地球上的一分子，道德上我是有責任的，但我卻不知道我的責任是向誰而負，我負了誰？看見成群螞蟻在屋內爬行，我亦確實將之捽死，我對世界的厭惡大於惻隱，我終究是被良心而責罵還是被社會既定良知而責罵？說回來，我的隨心所慾有被限制嗎？確實有，我不被限制的部分，終究要感激前人已幫我打破，他們已做了點甚麼，他們沒有沉默。而當下我所面對的限制，必然得由我輩去打破。我似乎已經回答了自己的問題。要是我忽略那些限制呢？我還是能完全地作為一個人，我所面對的限制是資本主義下金錢、物質與名利的珈鎖，但如果我忽略以上這些珈鎖，我還是可以做自己想做的事，此刻的我最想做的事莫過於在一個山明水秀的鄉郊，過上平靜不被煩擾的生活，面對大自然與作畫，我會有可能這樣就滿足嗎？還是這只不過一個過於浪漫的假想，我還是會感到無聊與不耐煩？確實是我過於浪漫的假想，要是我確實想要那樣的生活，我此刻便已實行，而不是活在限制下又要質疑及抱怨。以上所有述說，大概只能表現出生活所有的矛盾，人心的反復以及不確定性。
2016-03-15
星期三日常 AN ORDINARY WEDNESDAY
星期三日常
AN ORDINARY WEDNESDAY
「創作藝術是為了分享。」
- David, 2016 年 1 月
"Making art is about sharing."
- David, 2016 January
朝早九點上堂， Look into Music 這科目的授課老師是行為藝術家 Connie Beckley，這節課她分享了包浩斯時期的視覺及音樂藝術家，例如 Oskar Schlemmer，另外她亦分享了與 John Cage 演出的經驗。接續的那節課叫做 Junior Seminar，授課老師 Jeanne Silverthorne 向我發還修改後的展覽評論作業，下星期要交的功課是個人藝術論述。今天早了下課，離三點上班的時間還有個半鐘，所以我決定到 Chelsea 走一圈逛逛畫廊。由學校走到畫廊聚集的街區只要五分鐘。
School started at 9am, a class called “Look into Music,” taught by performance artist Connie Beckley. She shared with us visual and musical works by artists from around the time of the Bauhaus movement, such as Oskar Schlemmer, and also shared with us a personal encounter she had with John Cage.
This was followed by a class called “Junior Seminar” - my teacher Jeanne Silverthorne gave me back my exhibition review with notes. Our next assignment is to write our own artist statement. The class ended early; I had a one and a half hour break before starting work at 3pm, so I decided to check the galleries in Chelsea. It’s just a five-minute walk from my school.
在第十大道與第十一大道之間，由十九街走到二十四街，來來回回跑了幾間畫廊，但我最期待的是於 David Zwirner 辦的 Doug Wheeler 展覽。七十年代於加州出了數位有名的光與空間藝術家，Doug Wheeler 是其中之一，其他藝術家還包括 Robert Irwin、Larry Bell 以及 James Turrell （Turrell 沒有參與策劃Drake 的 Hotline Bling MV，只好說Drake 「受到 Turrell啟發」）。
Walking from 19th Street to 24th Street, between 10th and 11th Ave, I checked a few galleries. My main goal was to check out Doug Wheeler at David Zwirner. Doug Wheeler is one of the renowned California light and space artists from the 70's. That group includes artists such as Robert Irwin, Larry Bell, and James Turrell (he has nothing to do with Drake's Hotline Bling music video. Ok, Drake just “got inspired” by Turrell).
Doug Wheeler 的展覽完全是一個關於空間的體驗。當我踏進展覽廳的時候，瞬間被白光以及白牆所形造的迷霧幻象所震撼。藝術能改變世界嗎？至少我會說，藝術會影響我們看現實的觀感。
Doug Wheeler's exhibition is about the experience of space, and I was amazed once I stepped into the showroom. With the space created by the white light and the white wall, I felt as if I saw the illusion of mist in the air. Can art change the world? I guess at least it can change the way we sense reality.
三點鐘回到學校，我在校的兼職單位是 Digital Library，協助借還相機及其他電子產品，最大的福利是我可以有很多空閒時間上網。上星期我看了Guido van der Werve於 Luhring Augustine 的展覽，他的錄像作品十分有意思，我正打算前往晚上他於 Parsons 藝術學校舉行的講座，於是趁工作空檔上網查了更多有關這位荷蘭年輕藝術家的資料。
Back to school at 3pm and I started working at the Digital Library. Between helping check-in and check-out the cameras and other digital devices, I enjoyed the freedom to browse the Internet. So I Googled the young Dutch artist Guido van der Werve. He was going to have a talk that night at Parsons. I had just seen his show last week at Luhring Augustine. His video work was still bouncing around in my head, so I was definitely intent on not missing his talk.
Van der Werve 於 Luhring Augustine 展出的錄像作品以三面靠牆的大屏幕分別播放三個群組，賦有詩意的影像投影我們似乎了解的主題：不同的思想狀態。左邊視頻播放一群裸身老年男人及女人，坐着吃蛋糕，站着吃水果，趟在地上小睡一會，眼神空洞地凝視某處；中間視頻是另一群穿着黑衫黑褲的老中青在打坐、靜修、放聲大笑、專注於呼吸；而右邊視頻是一群裸身的年輕男女遊走閒逛、互相撫摸，繼而親吻，繼而性交，最後趟在地上休息。展廳的正中央放了一個鋼琴，奏出藝術家編寫的古典曲目，琴鍵自動上下跳動猶如隱形人在彈奏。
His video and installation work is an epic combination retelling the things we sort of know - different states of mind. The three-channel video installation showed three groups of people. On the left hand side, a group of naked old men and women, eating cake and fruit, taking a nap, and sitting on the floor staring at nothing; in the middle, a group of different aged people wearing all black, meditating, laughing, and breathing; and on the right hand side, a group of naked young people searching, touching each other, kissing, having sex, and then resting. There was a piano in the center of the room, playing a classical song composed by the artist, with the piano keys moving up and down by themselves as if played by an invisible spirit.
我在六點離開學校，七點到達 Parsons。能與喜歡的藝術家有近距離的接觸，算是今天的收獲。紐約包羅萬有，總讓我不斷發現，眼界大開。要是我的好奇心會有耗盡的一天，還望別太早來臨。
I left school at 6.30pm and arrived at Parsons at 7pm. The night ended well with close up contact with an artist that I dig. New York, you just have too much to offer. You keep my eyes wide open and constantly in a state of discovery. I hope it will be a long time before I see the day when I grow too tired to keep up my curiosity.
*Macau Closer 2016 March Issue Column 澳門特寫2016年3月號專欄*
AN ORDINARY WEDNESDAY
「創作藝術是為了分享。」
- David, 2016 年 1 月
"Making art is about sharing."
- David, 2016 January
朝早九點上堂， Look into Music 這科目的授課老師是行為藝術家 Connie Beckley，這節課她分享了包浩斯時期的視覺及音樂藝術家，例如 Oskar Schlemmer，另外她亦分享了與 John Cage 演出的經驗。接續的那節課叫做 Junior Seminar，授課老師 Jeanne Silverthorne 向我發還修改後的展覽評論作業，下星期要交的功課是個人藝術論述。今天早了下課，離三點上班的時間還有個半鐘，所以我決定到 Chelsea 走一圈逛逛畫廊。由學校走到畫廊聚集的街區只要五分鐘。
School started at 9am, a class called “Look into Music,” taught by performance artist Connie Beckley. She shared with us visual and musical works by artists from around the time of the Bauhaus movement, such as Oskar Schlemmer, and also shared with us a personal encounter she had with John Cage.
This was followed by a class called “Junior Seminar” - my teacher Jeanne Silverthorne gave me back my exhibition review with notes. Our next assignment is to write our own artist statement. The class ended early; I had a one and a half hour break before starting work at 3pm, so I decided to check the galleries in Chelsea. It’s just a five-minute walk from my school.
在第十大道與第十一大道之間，由十九街走到二十四街，來來回回跑了幾間畫廊，但我最期待的是於 David Zwirner 辦的 Doug Wheeler 展覽。七十年代於加州出了數位有名的光與空間藝術家，Doug Wheeler 是其中之一，其他藝術家還包括 Robert Irwin、Larry Bell 以及 James Turrell （Turrell 沒有參與策劃Drake 的 Hotline Bling MV，只好說Drake 「受到 Turrell啟發」）。
Walking from 19th Street to 24th Street, between 10th and 11th Ave, I checked a few galleries. My main goal was to check out Doug Wheeler at David Zwirner. Doug Wheeler is one of the renowned California light and space artists from the 70's. That group includes artists such as Robert Irwin, Larry Bell, and James Turrell (he has nothing to do with Drake's Hotline Bling music video. Ok, Drake just “got inspired” by Turrell).
Doug Wheeler 的展覽完全是一個關於空間的體驗。當我踏進展覽廳的時候，瞬間被白光以及白牆所形造的迷霧幻象所震撼。藝術能改變世界嗎？至少我會說，藝術會影響我們看現實的觀感。
Doug Wheeler's exhibition is about the experience of space, and I was amazed once I stepped into the showroom. With the space created by the white light and the white wall, I felt as if I saw the illusion of mist in the air. Can art change the world? I guess at least it can change the way we sense reality.
三點鐘回到學校，我在校的兼職單位是 Digital Library，協助借還相機及其他電子產品，最大的福利是我可以有很多空閒時間上網。上星期我看了Guido van der Werve於 Luhring Augustine 的展覽，他的錄像作品十分有意思，我正打算前往晚上他於 Parsons 藝術學校舉行的講座，於是趁工作空檔上網查了更多有關這位荷蘭年輕藝術家的資料。
Back to school at 3pm and I started working at the Digital Library. Between helping check-in and check-out the cameras and other digital devices, I enjoyed the freedom to browse the Internet. So I Googled the young Dutch artist Guido van der Werve. He was going to have a talk that night at Parsons. I had just seen his show last week at Luhring Augustine. His video work was still bouncing around in my head, so I was definitely intent on not missing his talk.
Van der Werve 於 Luhring Augustine 展出的錄像作品以三面靠牆的大屏幕分別播放三個群組，賦有詩意的影像投影我們似乎了解的主題：不同的思想狀態。左邊視頻播放一群裸身老年男人及女人，坐着吃蛋糕，站着吃水果，趟在地上小睡一會，眼神空洞地凝視某處；中間視頻是另一群穿着黑衫黑褲的老中青在打坐、靜修、放聲大笑、專注於呼吸；而右邊視頻是一群裸身的年輕男女遊走閒逛、互相撫摸，繼而親吻，繼而性交，最後趟在地上休息。展廳的正中央放了一個鋼琴，奏出藝術家編寫的古典曲目，琴鍵自動上下跳動猶如隱形人在彈奏。
His video and installation work is an epic combination retelling the things we sort of know - different states of mind. The three-channel video installation showed three groups of people. On the left hand side, a group of naked old men and women, eating cake and fruit, taking a nap, and sitting on the floor staring at nothing; in the middle, a group of different aged people wearing all black, meditating, laughing, and breathing; and on the right hand side, a group of naked young people searching, touching each other, kissing, having sex, and then resting. There was a piano in the center of the room, playing a classical song composed by the artist, with the piano keys moving up and down by themselves as if played by an invisible spirit.
我在六點離開學校，七點到達 Parsons。能與喜歡的藝術家有近距離的接觸，算是今天的收獲。紐約包羅萬有，總讓我不斷發現，眼界大開。要是我的好奇心會有耗盡的一天，還望別太早來臨。
I left school at 6.30pm and arrived at Parsons at 7pm. The night ended well with close up contact with an artist that I dig. New York, you just have too much to offer. You keep my eyes wide open and constantly in a state of discovery. I hope it will be a long time before I see the day when I grow too tired to keep up my curiosity.
*Macau Closer 2016 March Issue Column 澳門特寫2016年3月號專欄*
2016-03-04
2016-01-15
賭仔好勝 WE ARE ALL GAMBLERS
賭仔好勝
WE ARE ALL GAMBLERS
「不要去想如何成為一位藝術家，你已經是一位藝術家，做你愛做的事吧。」
－Fatih, 2015 年 12 月 20 日
“Stop thinking about becoming an artist, because you are already one! Just do what you love.”
- Fatih, December 20, 2015
感情豐富如我，總是隨時敞開心扉擁抱一切。但像紐約這樣的大城市並不適合太易動情。紐約不容許我太天真、太傻。
I’m sensitive. I feel things. At first, I opened my heart wide and welcomed everything; then I realized I couldn’t do it in a big city like New York. Or maybe just not in New York.
成為一位藝術家是我兒時的夢想，繞了很多路，終於在二〇一五年一月下定決心前往紐約修讀藝術，去實踐這個夢想。紐約以一個悠長的寒冬作為見面禮，室外到處被白雪淹蓋，室內暖氣似乎要將我體內的水份都抽乾，才到訪一個禮拜，還未來得及挑戰紐約便已被擊倒，患了重感冒，難以呼吸，明明勒緊褲頭，卻又要洗錢購置增濕器。補充了水份後便能流淚，哭不成聲便乾脆懷疑前往紐約會不會是最愚蠢的決定。明知山有虎，偏向虎山行。離開舒適生活圈然後在異地重零開始，何必呢？種種負面想法，也許這就是所謂的思鄉病，孤獨滋味如龐然大物般襲擊我，就當這是思鄉病吧。
I came to New York for my childhood dream - to be an artist - in a snowy January, 2015. What New York offered me as a welcoming gift was a long cold winter. The first week, a serious cold nearly killed me right away physically and emotionally. I was dehydrated in my room by the overheated heater. I couldn’t breath. The first money I spent here was to buy a humidifier. I cried like I had made the worst decision ever. Why did I leave my comfort zone and start everything from zero? Why I did choose such a hard way? Maybe I was just homesick. The overwhelming loneliness we call it homesick.
怕醜不是我的天性，費盡心機去融入新環境，結交新朋友，到頭來發現大家自我保護意識強勁，人與人之間有着無法逾越的距離。紐約大概只容納着異鄉客，來自五湖四海，居留時期由數月至數年。到步後從零開始，有人厭倦無止盡的繁華亂世而半途離場，有人不懈努力加戰不死之決心終造就一翻成績。問諸君家在何處，家在遙遠的他處。生活在紐約，只想奮鬥。似乎大家都在紐約花了足夠的時間練就成一副不容侵犯、可遠觀而不可褻玩矣的姿態。機會主義；厚面皮、適時務、進取；再取之平衡，就能如魚得水。人人都希望成為煉金術士。
I’m not a shy person. So I did my best to mingle, to make new friends. But soon I realized everyone here is so protective. There is distance between every single person. I guess it’s because they have been living here long enough to learn that’s the only way not to get hurt. Not to be used. Not to get taken advantage of. Most of the people in New York are not from New York. They started with nothing, and earned what they have today through a lot of effort.
Everything costs. Everything has a price. There’s no free lunches. No. Some people might have quit mid-way and are no longer drifting through the city. And the strong ones remain. You would start a conversation with a person you’ve just met like “how long have you been living here?” From a couple of months to a couple of years, they are from other states or other countries. Everyone is trying hard, or more precisely, trying his or her luck.
終於我明白，澳門是如何的寬容，長久以來將我寵壞，就好像我們習慣說，澳門是個小漁村，一頓愉快的午餐就能和一個新相識暢談不盡，然後，新相識帶來新圈子，從新圈子走進新社群。過不了多久，相識滿天下。然而紐約總是碰壁，你致誠真摯，換來對方一句「我倆才初見面，先生小姐別太急進。」你看不見自己在別人眼中是多無禮醜陋的食人獸。
In New York, it takes time to know someone. What I hear the most is, “We’ve just met. I’m still getting to know you.” By then I realized how much Macau has spoiled me. You could simply get to know a person with a nice lunch along with a cheerful conversation. In a flash, you are friends. It won’t take long to meet a bunch of nice people, then a circle, then a community. Connections are so intense that you feel like you know everyone in Macau already.
生活在這城市的人是如此冷漠，忙於為自己闖一片天，沒閒暇傾聽我訴說心事。燦爛笑容變成最愚蠢的包裝，掩飾我的寂寞與恐懼。六月，炎熱的氣溫醞釀我的焦慮。海洋寬闊，小魚無用。當人人都是藝術家，於武林爭一席之地，我顯得一無事處。究竟我該如何立足。情緒於臨界點遊移，即便朋友亦無法替我分解負面情緒，就這樣吧，觸醮，爆發。心理醫生用最不賦批評性的專業角度去傾聽我的呢喃細語，每節一小時的哭訴維持了數星期，然後我發現，回家、回到所屬之地，才是靈丹妙藥。八月濕熱的澳門用熱情包圍着我然後我便療愈，向心理醫生說再見，我們分手吧。
But not in New York. Everyone is busy trying hard here, they don’t have time to listen to your problems. They won’t call you a friend just because you have the most lovely smile. June was a horrible month. With way too many great talents in this city, I felt like I was nothing. I was nothing special. I was just another artsy person drifting in the city. I was threatened, I didn’t know where I stood, where I belonged. I didn’t know where to get help. I finally looked for a therapist. I had too many negative thoughts inside my head that having friends was just not enough. I needed someone to talk to who wouldn’t be judgmental. I went for a few sessions and at the end, I walked out the door of that consultation room and haven’t gone back again. A swell summer back home in Macau healed me.
暑假小休後回到紐約繼續打怪獸，突然天朗氣清，澳門似是一支強心針，永遠最強的後循，紐約不再如此兇猛。當然紐約依舊，只是我更強悍。然後重新發現那個叫人興奮雀躍的城市，它的魅力來自於生活在這裏的各式人物，而擁有相同方向與價值的人，終會遇見。
Then, returning back to New York didn’t seem that hard anymore. I realized it’s not that bad, actually New York is great. People with the same values, at some point, will finally meet.
我花了一年的時間去消化紐約，然後，我像個紐約客一樣，唾罵地鐵有多擁擠有多骯髒、老鼠橫行、班點延誤，天呀，瘋漢（又）在車廂叫喊威脅所有乘客的性命。今天新聞報道我家街口轉角又有搶擊案把我嚇呆，似乎真的是新聞。L train 的潮流型人叫我目不暇給，在 Bushwick 流連才是正經事。遇見叫我再讚嚇不矣的奇人怪事，保持目無表情才是紐約客的本色。
After one year, I’ve started to know the city. I complain about the trains like a local. Delayed, crowded, stinky, filthy, rats, crazy creepy screaming. I am shocked by the news that somewhere around the corner just got shot and killed (again). I look at the cute guys on the L-train. I hang out in Bushwick. Funny scenes in the street or train that make me laugh but acting cool is the New Yorker way.
紐約，紐約，你是名詞還是形容詞，大家聽到你的名字總是趨之若鶩，而你卻如此冷酷。或者，你功多於過，亳不吝嗇地讓大家展示自己的才華，引發更多的討論，更多的新思潮，所以大家都甘願捱着苦頭為你而留下。所有的一面之緣，泛起漣漪，演變成渾之不去的動力。紐約、紐約，幾十年過去，你依然叫人怦然心動，因為你如此獨特， 打開了所有的宇宙，讓所有的瘋狂主意流竄，你不輕易被俘虜，你看不起垂手可得的任何種種，你叫所有體會過你的人明白，只有真心渴望的事物，才值得擁有。
So what’s so charming about New York? I guess, just the fact that I can constantly meet amazing, creative and interesting people that poke my mind, wake me up; that’s the reason good enough for me to keep on trying. Maybe I will just see that person once and we won’t become friends. But what they have said is incredibly inspiring. No place like New York has taught me to be so open minded and hold no biases. Ideas are the things never lacking in this city. Keep the openness and let things come in. It just takes time. It just doesn’t come easy. Just like people say, if it’s easy, it isn’t worth it.
紐約曾叫我後悔，叫我淚流滿面，我以為，孤注一擲卻輸掉所有。那些美好的小確幸在縫間流走叫我心碎。但是，有賭未為輸是好勝抑或人生本來就是一場賭注，我只能確認，一年過後，我更認清我自己，同時戰勝了怕孤獨這個壞毛病。
I once regretted coming here, because it was a big gamble and I cried for what I had lost. I wished things could go back to the way they were. But I was right in the first place, I dared to make a big bet and now I finally see what I’ve gained. I know myself better now. And being alone is not an issue anymore.
夢想是甚麼，只能說是觸不可及的美麗雲彩，永遠會在遙遠的他方，永遠無法到達的終點，但追逐那片雲彩的過程卻給我勇氣，引領我即便恐懼卻依然探索未知的領域。
To achieve your dreams is not the ultimate goal, it’s just a hint to discover the world with more perspectives.
*Macau Closer 2016 January Issue Column 澳門特寫2016年1月號專欄*
WE ARE ALL GAMBLERS
「不要去想如何成為一位藝術家，你已經是一位藝術家，做你愛做的事吧。」
－Fatih, 2015 年 12 月 20 日
“Stop thinking about becoming an artist, because you are already one! Just do what you love.”
- Fatih, December 20, 2015
感情豐富如我，總是隨時敞開心扉擁抱一切。但像紐約這樣的大城市並不適合太易動情。紐約不容許我太天真、太傻。
I’m sensitive. I feel things. At first, I opened my heart wide and welcomed everything; then I realized I couldn’t do it in a big city like New York. Or maybe just not in New York.
成為一位藝術家是我兒時的夢想，繞了很多路，終於在二〇一五年一月下定決心前往紐約修讀藝術，去實踐這個夢想。紐約以一個悠長的寒冬作為見面禮，室外到處被白雪淹蓋，室內暖氣似乎要將我體內的水份都抽乾，才到訪一個禮拜，還未來得及挑戰紐約便已被擊倒，患了重感冒，難以呼吸，明明勒緊褲頭，卻又要洗錢購置增濕器。補充了水份後便能流淚，哭不成聲便乾脆懷疑前往紐約會不會是最愚蠢的決定。明知山有虎，偏向虎山行。離開舒適生活圈然後在異地重零開始，何必呢？種種負面想法，也許這就是所謂的思鄉病，孤獨滋味如龐然大物般襲擊我，就當這是思鄉病吧。
I came to New York for my childhood dream - to be an artist - in a snowy January, 2015. What New York offered me as a welcoming gift was a long cold winter. The first week, a serious cold nearly killed me right away physically and emotionally. I was dehydrated in my room by the overheated heater. I couldn’t breath. The first money I spent here was to buy a humidifier. I cried like I had made the worst decision ever. Why did I leave my comfort zone and start everything from zero? Why I did choose such a hard way? Maybe I was just homesick. The overwhelming loneliness we call it homesick.
怕醜不是我的天性，費盡心機去融入新環境，結交新朋友，到頭來發現大家自我保護意識強勁，人與人之間有着無法逾越的距離。紐約大概只容納着異鄉客，來自五湖四海，居留時期由數月至數年。到步後從零開始，有人厭倦無止盡的繁華亂世而半途離場，有人不懈努力加戰不死之決心終造就一翻成績。問諸君家在何處，家在遙遠的他處。生活在紐約，只想奮鬥。似乎大家都在紐約花了足夠的時間練就成一副不容侵犯、可遠觀而不可褻玩矣的姿態。機會主義；厚面皮、適時務、進取；再取之平衡，就能如魚得水。人人都希望成為煉金術士。
I’m not a shy person. So I did my best to mingle, to make new friends. But soon I realized everyone here is so protective. There is distance between every single person. I guess it’s because they have been living here long enough to learn that’s the only way not to get hurt. Not to be used. Not to get taken advantage of. Most of the people in New York are not from New York. They started with nothing, and earned what they have today through a lot of effort.
Everything costs. Everything has a price. There’s no free lunches. No. Some people might have quit mid-way and are no longer drifting through the city. And the strong ones remain. You would start a conversation with a person you’ve just met like “how long have you been living here?” From a couple of months to a couple of years, they are from other states or other countries. Everyone is trying hard, or more precisely, trying his or her luck.
終於我明白，澳門是如何的寬容，長久以來將我寵壞，就好像我們習慣說，澳門是個小漁村，一頓愉快的午餐就能和一個新相識暢談不盡，然後，新相識帶來新圈子，從新圈子走進新社群。過不了多久，相識滿天下。然而紐約總是碰壁，你致誠真摯，換來對方一句「我倆才初見面，先生小姐別太急進。」你看不見自己在別人眼中是多無禮醜陋的食人獸。
In New York, it takes time to know someone. What I hear the most is, “We’ve just met. I’m still getting to know you.” By then I realized how much Macau has spoiled me. You could simply get to know a person with a nice lunch along with a cheerful conversation. In a flash, you are friends. It won’t take long to meet a bunch of nice people, then a circle, then a community. Connections are so intense that you feel like you know everyone in Macau already.
生活在這城市的人是如此冷漠，忙於為自己闖一片天，沒閒暇傾聽我訴說心事。燦爛笑容變成最愚蠢的包裝，掩飾我的寂寞與恐懼。六月，炎熱的氣溫醞釀我的焦慮。海洋寬闊，小魚無用。當人人都是藝術家，於武林爭一席之地，我顯得一無事處。究竟我該如何立足。情緒於臨界點遊移，即便朋友亦無法替我分解負面情緒，就這樣吧，觸醮，爆發。心理醫生用最不賦批評性的專業角度去傾聽我的呢喃細語，每節一小時的哭訴維持了數星期，然後我發現，回家、回到所屬之地，才是靈丹妙藥。八月濕熱的澳門用熱情包圍着我然後我便療愈，向心理醫生說再見，我們分手吧。
But not in New York. Everyone is busy trying hard here, they don’t have time to listen to your problems. They won’t call you a friend just because you have the most lovely smile. June was a horrible month. With way too many great talents in this city, I felt like I was nothing. I was nothing special. I was just another artsy person drifting in the city. I was threatened, I didn’t know where I stood, where I belonged. I didn’t know where to get help. I finally looked for a therapist. I had too many negative thoughts inside my head that having friends was just not enough. I needed someone to talk to who wouldn’t be judgmental. I went for a few sessions and at the end, I walked out the door of that consultation room and haven’t gone back again. A swell summer back home in Macau healed me.
暑假小休後回到紐約繼續打怪獸，突然天朗氣清，澳門似是一支強心針，永遠最強的後循，紐約不再如此兇猛。當然紐約依舊，只是我更強悍。然後重新發現那個叫人興奮雀躍的城市，它的魅力來自於生活在這裏的各式人物，而擁有相同方向與價值的人，終會遇見。
Then, returning back to New York didn’t seem that hard anymore. I realized it’s not that bad, actually New York is great. People with the same values, at some point, will finally meet.
我花了一年的時間去消化紐約，然後，我像個紐約客一樣，唾罵地鐵有多擁擠有多骯髒、老鼠橫行、班點延誤，天呀，瘋漢（又）在車廂叫喊威脅所有乘客的性命。今天新聞報道我家街口轉角又有搶擊案把我嚇呆，似乎真的是新聞。L train 的潮流型人叫我目不暇給，在 Bushwick 流連才是正經事。遇見叫我再讚嚇不矣的奇人怪事，保持目無表情才是紐約客的本色。
After one year, I’ve started to know the city. I complain about the trains like a local. Delayed, crowded, stinky, filthy, rats, crazy creepy screaming. I am shocked by the news that somewhere around the corner just got shot and killed (again). I look at the cute guys on the L-train. I hang out in Bushwick. Funny scenes in the street or train that make me laugh but acting cool is the New Yorker way.
紐約，紐約，你是名詞還是形容詞，大家聽到你的名字總是趨之若鶩，而你卻如此冷酷。或者，你功多於過，亳不吝嗇地讓大家展示自己的才華，引發更多的討論，更多的新思潮，所以大家都甘願捱着苦頭為你而留下。所有的一面之緣，泛起漣漪，演變成渾之不去的動力。紐約、紐約，幾十年過去，你依然叫人怦然心動，因為你如此獨特， 打開了所有的宇宙，讓所有的瘋狂主意流竄，你不輕易被俘虜，你看不起垂手可得的任何種種，你叫所有體會過你的人明白，只有真心渴望的事物，才值得擁有。
So what’s so charming about New York? I guess, just the fact that I can constantly meet amazing, creative and interesting people that poke my mind, wake me up; that’s the reason good enough for me to keep on trying. Maybe I will just see that person once and we won’t become friends. But what they have said is incredibly inspiring. No place like New York has taught me to be so open minded and hold no biases. Ideas are the things never lacking in this city. Keep the openness and let things come in. It just takes time. It just doesn’t come easy. Just like people say, if it’s easy, it isn’t worth it.
紐約曾叫我後悔，叫我淚流滿面，我以為，孤注一擲卻輸掉所有。那些美好的小確幸在縫間流走叫我心碎。但是，有賭未為輸是好勝抑或人生本來就是一場賭注，我只能確認，一年過後，我更認清我自己，同時戰勝了怕孤獨這個壞毛病。
I once regretted coming here, because it was a big gamble and I cried for what I had lost. I wished things could go back to the way they were. But I was right in the first place, I dared to make a big bet and now I finally see what I’ve gained. I know myself better now. And being alone is not an issue anymore.
夢想是甚麼，只能說是觸不可及的美麗雲彩，永遠會在遙遠的他方，永遠無法到達的終點，但追逐那片雲彩的過程卻給我勇氣，引領我即便恐懼卻依然探索未知的領域。
To achieve your dreams is not the ultimate goal, it’s just a hint to discover the world with more perspectives.
*Macau Closer 2016 January Issue Column 澳門特寫2016年1月號專欄*
2015-11-03
2015-10-26
2015-09-17
所以你像個瘋子一樣，自己和自己對話，你只想和自己對話，獨自留在房間，窗外的風景就是所有的風景，你不想成為任何人，但任何人的話語卻又左右你成為甚麼樣的人。你以為躲在自己小小的房間，就能躲開所有人的眼光，沒有人在注視，為所欲為，只有你走出房間，才發現沒有人在意你，所有的恐懼來自內在的孤寂。
你把自己看成是水，願意投進任一容器，融入所有環境，這是你能付出的努力，不想被隔離與無法妥協之間，你懷疑一切都是自己的過錯。苦思著無關痛癢的問題，你己經忘了自己最真實的渴望是甚麼。拼命地尋找，尋找那把打開大門的鑰匙，你希望有人在門的另一邊等著你，你相信門後的就是你想要的，顯然你不清楚門後躲藏著甚麼，你只是盲目地相信。
你能吃能睡，睡得酣甜，這幾天下來，做過甚麼夢，醒來後卻不留痕蹟，好像在睜開眼前一秒有人吃掉你整晚編織的夢似的，你毫無印象在夢裡遇見了甚麼。「真希望我能保留昨晚的夢」你這樣對自己說，因為你相信，那個朝思暮想的人，在夢裡浮現，但坐在日光下，你只好讓新的一天重來，因為你失去記憶，重複的晝夜替換，你又快老一歲。
So you are like a mad man, you talk to yourself. You only want to talk to yourself and no one else. Left alone in a room, the scenery from the window is all the scenery you have. You don't want to become anyone, but anyone's words could coerce you into being something else, someone else. You believe that hiding yourself from the world out there, will allow you to escape other people's eyes. No one will see you, you can do whatever you want. Only when you get out of the room, you realize no one acknowledges your existence. The fear has arrived, born out of the solitude.
You see yourself as a flow of water, you are willing to put into any container, into all kinds of environments - that's the effort you're willing to make. You don't want to be isolated but you are unable to compromise, you suspect that everything is your own fault. You've been thinking about questions that don't really matter, you've forgotten your truest desires. Desperately seeking to find the key that unlocks the door that confines you, you wish for someone to be on the other side of the door, you believe who or what lies behind the door is actually what you want. You want to believe, however, you don't know what waits for you, you move forward with blind hope.
You eat and sleep - sleep becomes an escape. You don't remember the dreams you are having these days, no traces to be found, because all your dreams seem like they've never existed. As if someone has eaten each one of them before you could wake up. You have no idea what you have encountered in your dreams. "I wish I could retain the dream from last night," you sadly murmur to yourself, because you believe that the one you've been thinking of, has appeared. But sitting in the sunlight, you had to let the new day in. With the heat of the sun, your dream has evaporated like water on the sidewalk. This repeats day in and day out, day after day, week after week, month after month - until you find yourself one year older.
葡萄牙北部一個市鎮的房間，下午五時，或之類的時間，光影打在牆上，光線中看到塵埃舞動，喚起叫人懷念的輕聲細語。
我將你熱情的舌頭遞到我的胸脯前，請你盡情地打圈，不是你養的貓咪似乎明白所有月光下的苟且，我要再投入些用以去掉偷竊的血腥，配合我墮落的靈魂，但西灣湖的平靜卻過份溫柔。
要是我們還在維也納，你便依舊是攝影師，我便依舊是拍攝對象，拍下這組，與我們在 Hundertwasser 博物館看過的照片相似的照片。
「你沒有告訴我，你喜歡我甚麼。」
「我不用告訴你，因為我就在這裡，和你在一起。」
It was five o’clock in the afternoon. The light from the north of Portugal fills this room. The light is beautiful and it reminds the smell of passion, the kiss of desire.
Our bodies mingle with the flying dust.
The cat adopted by the house lady observes everything; everything smells like crime. I ought to leave it behind, but the moonlight is bright while the night is shy.
Guess we should still be in Vienna, then you would still be the photographer and I would be photographed. Ain’t the images look like those we have seen in Hundertwasser?
“You didn’t tell me why you like me.”
“I don’t have to tell you. Because I’m here with you.”
我將你熱情的舌頭遞到我的胸脯前，請你盡情地打圈，不是你養的貓咪似乎明白所有月光下的苟且，我要再投入些用以去掉偷竊的血腥，配合我墮落的靈魂，但西灣湖的平靜卻過份溫柔。
要是我們還在維也納，你便依舊是攝影師，我便依舊是拍攝對象，拍下這組，與我們在 Hundertwasser 博物館看過的照片相似的照片。
「你沒有告訴我，你喜歡我甚麼。」
「我不用告訴你，因為我就在這裡，和你在一起。」
It was five o’clock in the afternoon. The light from the north of Portugal fills this room. The light is beautiful and it reminds the smell of passion, the kiss of desire.
Our bodies mingle with the flying dust.
The cat adopted by the house lady observes everything; everything smells like crime. I ought to leave it behind, but the moonlight is bright while the night is shy.
Guess we should still be in Vienna, then you would still be the photographer and I would be photographed. Ain’t the images look like those we have seen in Hundertwasser?
“You didn’t tell me why you like me.”
“I don’t have to tell you. Because I’m here with you.”
2015-09-04
2015-07-05
2015-06-10
2015-06-05
2015-05-28
2015-05-25
這五個月在紐約其實確實有點孤單，熟悉我的朋友都知道我是有多煩人，後悔了嗎？我到底有進步嗎？學到甚麼了嗎？一直往前走卻又不停往後看，明知道過往的風景已經改變了。oh baby baby it's a wild world. it's hard to get by just upon a smile. and i'll always remember you like a child girl. 有時候會滿是懷疑而失去勇氣，可能，我是說可能，因為看過的風景已經超出我的好奇，所以已經無法再像從前般傻呼呼地覺得處處是驚喜，反而只會冷漠地回應「是嗎？所以呢？」但那天有朋友提醒我，如果不是你曾經有出走的熱情，然後走過想走的路，今天，也許就只會對別人懷著羨慕的眼光然後心裡想著真希望自己能走一趟。所以一切都是值得的。我設計了一個情緒急救練習，每次我覺得前面沒甚麼好期待的時候，我就回去看看那些從前的照片，呀，是呀，是當初的勇氣把我帶到今天。
2015-05-20
2015-04-10
時間過得太快了，快得我還沒有時間寫下我的心事，一個月又過去了。春天的明媚陽光來過，有時候也有雲雨到訪。有幾位比較要好的朋友都是交換學生，只剩一個月他們就要離開紐約呢，所以見面的時候就會多作擁抱，然後說著，會相念對方。當初，我們都剛來到這城市的時候也是這樣常常擁抱的，因為大家都有點孤單。三個月似乎是試用期的無形標準，除了我自己本身偶有的情緒起伏以外，其實每天過得十分充實，傍聽了兩門大二和大三的課，分別是image, object and meaning 和 bio art，所以現在每天上課早上九點到晚上九點。星期四傍晚就會到 chelsea 逛畫廊開幕其實是蹭酒喝，然後同學家的 home party，然後忙著趕功課的星期天。
2015-04-03
When Spring returns
Perhaps I will no longer be in the world.
Today I wish I could think of Spring as a person
So that I could imagine her crying for me
When she sees that she’s lost her only friend.
But Spring isn’t even a thing:
It’s a manner of speaking.
Not even the flowers or green leaves return.
There are new flowers, new green leaves.
There are new balmy days.
Nothing returns, nothing repeats, because everything is real.
Perhaps I will no longer be in the world.
Today I wish I could think of Spring as a person
So that I could imagine her crying for me
When she sees that she’s lost her only friend.
But Spring isn’t even a thing:
It’s a manner of speaking.
Not even the flowers or green leaves return.
There are new flowers, new green leaves.
There are new balmy days.
Nothing returns, nothing repeats, because everything is real.
Fernando Pessoa
2015-02-27
Spring break is here and actually I'm one year older. Mates are out of town either to a warm home in Florida or a swell trip to South America. It makes me jealous because I also want to have a trip. But then I realize, am I not already taking a journey? Here, New York. The last year in the age of twenty something. So many things I want to learn and improve. Having a wish to be a greater one, a more content one. I have to remind myself, stop searching from outside. The more important things are coming from inside. 十天的春假開始我也剛好大一歲，同學們回家的回家出遊的出遊都往較暖的地方去，心裡羨慕著我也想遊山玩水，但我其實不就已在途上嗎，總是坐這山望那山忘了自己擁有的。我就身在紐約，青春年華二十九，需要點毅力整裝好自己邁向三十。時時都得提醒自己，最重要的東西不在外頭而是要往內尋。
2015-02-08
滿月了，滿月就該成型了。撐過了頭兩個禮拜的激動情緒思鄉情懷，現在就是安安份份地過日子了，雖然獨處的時間比較多，但要處理的事情也多。
終於有了自己固定的房間後就開始為日常起居逐步添置次要生活用品，水壺、垃圾筒之類的，但總是記得 Steve Jobs 的極簡生活格調，完美主意者的他，在家裡不會放他不喜歡或沒必要的家具，連沙發也沒有，所以每次我很想額外買個甚麼（譬如說置物膠箱），我就會問自己，真的有需要嗎？反正要搬家的時候就是累贅了。
早上六點半起床，吃個早餐，準備帶回學校的中午便當，七點四十五分出門，等巴士，之後再轉地鐵，九點到學校。上課了。一個星期只有四天要到學校，美術史、電腦繪圖、油畫、繪畫、雕塑。坦然，在這個月的頭半段，我總是滿是懷疑，到底來紐約來對了嗎？這學校好嗎？學費我能找到方法應付嗎？但後來，生活日常叫人沒空再去胡思亂想那麼多了。認路、認方向，從第五大道轉左還是轉右會到第六大道，下載各種地鐵、巴士的 apps，十二點後會沒有巴士回家所以成了灰姑娘；到超市格價、買菜，每天重覆的切菜、煮菜、洗碗。出門或回家都要一個多小時所以其實一天的時間跑得很快。
忙碌也就叫人安安隱隱，既來之則安之。
即便我曾到訪過歐洲古蹟和大大小小的博物館，以前會沒耐性看個存細，現在當個美術學生，也許是想擁抱更多知識，因而學會欣賞人類和歷史的關係；電腦繪圖讓我很氣餒因為真的沒辦法操控小老鼠和長時間面對螢幕；油畫課可以拿回畫筆感覺良好；繪畫課人體素描分別來過兩模特兒，第一個是長得一臉俊俏身材完美絕對是廣告模特的那種男模特（班上女生很高興），後來的那個是能做出優雅且高難度姿勢的年青女舞蹈員，感覺她要為我們跳上一支舞了，看著那麼美好的胴體下筆，真是一大樂事... 而我一直以來對雕塑都興趣乏乏，不過那天聽到一句話，形容雕塑就是在三維空間上作畫，剎那間將我和雕塑的距離拉近了。
不用說，這邊天氣依然很冷，每隔幾天就會下雪。那天朋友跟我說，如果想要去到心中想要到達的地方，要記住這三件事：
discipline | sacrifices | trust yourself (knowing the truth)
終於有了自己固定的房間後就開始為日常起居逐步添置次要生活用品，水壺、垃圾筒之類的，但總是記得 Steve Jobs 的極簡生活格調，完美主意者的他，在家裡不會放他不喜歡或沒必要的家具，連沙發也沒有，所以每次我很想額外買個甚麼（譬如說置物膠箱），我就會問自己，真的有需要嗎？反正要搬家的時候就是累贅了。
早上六點半起床，吃個早餐，準備帶回學校的中午便當，七點四十五分出門，等巴士，之後再轉地鐵，九點到學校。上課了。一個星期只有四天要到學校，美術史、電腦繪圖、油畫、繪畫、雕塑。坦然，在這個月的頭半段，我總是滿是懷疑，到底來紐約來對了嗎？這學校好嗎？學費我能找到方法應付嗎？但後來，生活日常叫人沒空再去胡思亂想那麼多了。認路、認方向，從第五大道轉左還是轉右會到第六大道，下載各種地鐵、巴士的 apps，十二點後會沒有巴士回家所以成了灰姑娘；到超市格價、買菜，每天重覆的切菜、煮菜、洗碗。出門或回家都要一個多小時所以其實一天的時間跑得很快。
忙碌也就叫人安安隱隱，既來之則安之。
即便我曾到訪過歐洲古蹟和大大小小的博物館，以前會沒耐性看個存細，現在當個美術學生，也許是想擁抱更多知識，因而學會欣賞人類和歷史的關係；電腦繪圖讓我很氣餒因為真的沒辦法操控小老鼠和長時間面對螢幕；油畫課可以拿回畫筆感覺良好；繪畫課人體素描分別來過兩模特兒，第一個是長得一臉俊俏身材完美絕對是廣告模特的那種男模特（班上女生很高興），後來的那個是能做出優雅且高難度姿勢的年青女舞蹈員，感覺她要為我們跳上一支舞了，看著那麼美好的胴體下筆，真是一大樂事... 而我一直以來對雕塑都興趣乏乏，不過那天聽到一句話，形容雕塑就是在三維空間上作畫，剎那間將我和雕塑的距離拉近了。
不用說，這邊天氣依然很冷，每隔幾天就會下雪。那天朋友跟我說，如果想要去到心中想要到達的地方，要記住這三件事：
discipline | sacrifices | trust yourself (knowing the truth)
2015-01-26
親愛的大家,
來這裡已經一星期了, 說不上已經習慣這裡的生活, 不過算是稍為適應了. 不知道為甚麼, 很容易餓, 所以吃很多, 大家不用擔心我不吃東西, 有時候有人煮了東西給大家吃, 有時候要自己煮, 為了省錢, 我都很少在外面買東西吃, 反正酒店這裡任何食材都是可以免費拿去用的, 所以有時候我都會自己煮意粉吃. 可能我回來的時候就會變胖了.
這裡算是一個小鄉郊, 巷子裡都種了葡萄樹, 檸檬樹, 橙樹, 媽媽一定會很喜歡這裡, 而且這裡到處都種滿很多很多花.
這裡早上太陽很大, 聽說週末會有42度, 不知道是不是真的, 很誇張. 今天到corfu town 逛一逛也會有一點點曬昏頭的感覺, 太陽帽和水是必備的, 而且就算我塗了防曬, 也己經曬黑了... 回來的時候我可能像個菲律賓妹一樣. 總之我會好好照顧和保護自己身體, 太熱我會留在室內.
工作了幾天, 我的工作時間是下午六點到凌晨兩點, 但其實沒有甚麼要做, 不過之後工作量會不會變多就不知道了.
這裡好像走到哪裡也會被藍藍的海包圍, 剛看到藍綠藍綠的海, 有一種加勒比海的感覺.
收到大家姐和三家姐的來信, 我知道大家都在鼓勵我, 所以我會加油的. 總之出門在外, 我會好好照顧自己, 你們不用擔心. 你們也要好好照顧自己.
雯雯
*
偶然找到這封七年多前寫給家人的電郵信件，當時我二十一歲，剛到希臘，突然我就明白自己現在的心情。然後把很多以前的照片都略略的看了一下，有很多很美好的回憶，很多很多很重要的人，才驚覺自己一直只能是個過客，無論當時如何叫人難忘，時間過去了就只是回憶了，身邊的人一直在轉換，回憶累積得多，感情便變得淡薄，分不清自己哪時情真，哪時妄語。留不住過去的人，也留不住回憶，因為其實沒有留下來的人是我。
來這裡已經一星期了, 說不上已經習慣這裡的生活, 不過算是稍為適應了. 不知道為甚麼, 很容易餓, 所以吃很多, 大家不用擔心我不吃東西, 有時候有人煮了東西給大家吃, 有時候要自己煮, 為了省錢, 我都很少在外面買東西吃, 反正酒店這裡任何食材都是可以免費拿去用的, 所以有時候我都會自己煮意粉吃. 可能我回來的時候就會變胖了.
這裡算是一個小鄉郊, 巷子裡都種了葡萄樹, 檸檬樹, 橙樹, 媽媽一定會很喜歡這裡, 而且這裡到處都種滿很多很多花.
這裡早上太陽很大, 聽說週末會有42度, 不知道是不是真的, 很誇張. 今天到corfu town 逛一逛也會有一點點曬昏頭的感覺, 太陽帽和水是必備的, 而且就算我塗了防曬, 也己經曬黑了... 回來的時候我可能像個菲律賓妹一樣. 總之我會好好照顧和保護自己身體, 太熱我會留在室內.
工作了幾天, 我的工作時間是下午六點到凌晨兩點, 但其實沒有甚麼要做, 不過之後工作量會不會變多就不知道了.
這裡好像走到哪裡也會被藍藍的海包圍, 剛看到藍綠藍綠的海, 有一種加勒比海的感覺.
收到大家姐和三家姐的來信, 我知道大家都在鼓勵我, 所以我會加油的. 總之出門在外, 我會好好照顧自己, 你們不用擔心. 你們也要好好照顧自己.
雯雯
*
偶然找到這封七年多前寫給家人的電郵信件，當時我二十一歲，剛到希臘，突然我就明白自己現在的心情。然後把很多以前的照片都略略的看了一下，有很多很美好的回憶，很多很多很重要的人，才驚覺自己一直只能是個過客，無論當時如何叫人難忘，時間過去了就只是回憶了，身邊的人一直在轉換，回憶累積得多，感情便變得淡薄，分不清自己哪時情真，哪時妄語。留不住過去的人，也留不住回憶，因為其實沒有留下來的人是我。
2015-01-19
我沒有想過我會那麼的不適應紐約的生活。一年前在葡萄牙駐場創作的時候，我就想過這問題，到底哪裡是我的城市，人又為甚麼要離開熟悉的環境、心愛的人去到遠方，到底追尋的是甚麼。這不是我頭一次離開澳門，可是這一次，牽掛特別多，不知道是不是安全感就是會隨著年齡增長而遞減，我覺得我現在更像是十八歲，不懂如何照顧自己，無知與慌張使得我精神緊崩，對一切的未知不覺得好奇反而想要避而遠之，只想靜靜待在自己的角落。零下的溫度和乾燥的天氣很迅速地把我弄病了，發燒兩天，臥病在床，幸好分別有兩位朋友剛好也在紐約，一個幫我買了些食材煮粥給我吃，另一個趕快幫我買了個增濕器，第一個週末就是如此辛酸地熬過去了。之後因為對遠方無比的想念，我每天都沉浸在失落的情緒裡。朋友幫我開了塔羅牌，準得嚇了我一跳，簡直把我現在的心情倒模般描繪出來。遠方的朋友替我打氣，但始終我要獨自面對孤獨，面對生活的大小事，挑床單我挑了大半天也挑不到合適的，還有很多生活用品還沒配置，不知道是因為人在外看錢特別大，還是物價的確貴，看到好多東西比了價以後就捨不得買。現在回想這十多天，我在頭兩天的確有興奮過，認識了一些來自歐洲的交換學生，去了 MoMa 看 Henri Matisse 的剪紙畫作，免費看了 Emma Stone 主演的 Broadway Show Cabaret。但生病之後我的心情變得愈來愈沉重。我知道紐約這城市實在有太多可以看的東西，但首先我必須調適好自己的心情。（今天煮烏冬還因為切洋蔥而切到手指...）
2015-01-08
hello new york
紐約你好。第一天，你送我的見面禮是零下十度的天氣和雪景。跑到遠遠的皇后區，第一間看過的房間租金每月550美金，這房租在紐約來說，可以算是無法再低，而且條件不錯，於是趕緊跟房東簽下半年租約。房間空間大，有屬於自己的小陽台，在一面牆有一個很大的窗戶，在另一面牆有另一個小窗戶，房東說，早上陽光會在大窗戶那邊灑進來，下午就從小窗戶灑進來。世事當然不會完美無缺。住處要走十分鐘左右才會到地鐵站，通勤上學的時間約一個多小時，嗯哼，而且房東夫妻是住在隔壁的房間，我們會共用廚房和大廳，怎麼突然我覺得自己是住在寄宿家庭。下午四點多天就開始黑了，五點已經全黑，去了找朋友。朋友會在紐約留兩個星期，我們在他下塌的酒店公寓共享外帶的晚餐。能在異地與家鄉的朋友相聚，在這種天氣下算是種莫大的慰藉。晚上九點多就道別回自己住處，人在他鄉不敢在入黑後於街上流連，外面又更冷了。
睡了一覺，在早上因暖氣過熱和外面響安的情況下，我在凌晨五點就扎醒了，來到第二天。我開始把所有的憂慮變成早餐，慢慢嚼吞，每個決定都似乎很重大，我選擇入住的出租房、選擇的學位、選擇離開 comfort zone 來到紐約。我只能活一次，怎麼會知道所做的決定是否最完美，但願紐約能使我每天活力充沛而不致於叫我懊悔。因為居住環境不一樣，很多生活習慣必須要有所適應，譬如說，我不能再以為我可以緩慢悠閒神遊般地過日子了。
紐約你好。第一天，你送我的見面禮是零下十度的天氣和雪景。跑到遠遠的皇后區，第一間看過的房間租金每月550美金，這房租在紐約來說，可以算是無法再低，而且條件不錯，於是趕緊跟房東簽下半年租約。房間空間大，有屬於自己的小陽台，在一面牆有一個很大的窗戶，在另一面牆有另一個小窗戶，房東說，早上陽光會在大窗戶那邊灑進來，下午就從小窗戶灑進來。世事當然不會完美無缺。住處要走十分鐘左右才會到地鐵站，通勤上學的時間約一個多小時，嗯哼，而且房東夫妻是住在隔壁的房間，我們會共用廚房和大廳，怎麼突然我覺得自己是住在寄宿家庭。下午四點多天就開始黑了，五點已經全黑，去了找朋友。朋友會在紐約留兩個星期，我們在他下塌的酒店公寓共享外帶的晚餐。能在異地與家鄉的朋友相聚，在這種天氣下算是種莫大的慰藉。晚上九點多就道別回自己住處，人在他鄉不敢在入黑後於街上流連，外面又更冷了。
睡了一覺，在早上因暖氣過熱和外面響安的情況下，我在凌晨五點就扎醒了，來到第二天。我開始把所有的憂慮變成早餐，慢慢嚼吞，每個決定都似乎很重大，我選擇入住的出租房、選擇的學位、選擇離開 comfort zone 來到紐約。我只能活一次，怎麼會知道所做的決定是否最完美，但願紐約能使我每天活力充沛而不致於叫我懊悔。因為居住環境不一樣，很多生活習慣必須要有所適應，譬如說，我不能再以為我可以緩慢悠閒神遊般地過日子了。
2014-11-25
I have been places, there is always somewhere makes you feel better of yourself, somewhere makes you feel worse. Some brings calm, the other brings frustration. But I've never felt belonging to any. Not even the place I was born in or the place I'm living in. No matter where I am, my room is my kingdom and I'm my own landscape. I found that I'm always missing someone afar, someone living in another city, another reality. Where is my city? I come to learn that, my city is where my heart is placed.
於城市與城市之間，流離朗蕩。總會有那麼一個地方，叫我自在，又於另一境地，變得自我厭惡。某個他方使我平靜，某個異域使我抓狂。而我知道，我並不屬於任何地方；非出生地，非居留地。即便軀體於地域上轉移，我只想留在房間，築起我的王國，自成風景。思緒落在遠方。別處、異境，總有人叫我記掛。到底哪裡是我的城市？終究在於心屬何方。
於城市與城市之間，流離朗蕩。總會有那麼一個地方，叫我自在，又於另一境地，變得自我厭惡。某個他方使我平靜，某個異域使我抓狂。而我知道，我並不屬於任何地方；非出生地，非居留地。即便軀體於地域上轉移，我只想留在房間，築起我的王國，自成風景。思緒落在遠方。別處、異境，總有人叫我記掛。到底哪裡是我的城市？終究在於心屬何方。
2014-11-21
2014-11-20
But deep down in my heart, I thank you for all the distance you keep. Discreet is a way lead me to recognize how you are truly meaningful to me. I wish I'm wiser and make you feel comfort. I wish I will never harm you. Every truthful and significant treasure won't reveal just by a glance. Lead me to be a patient one. And discover the precious pearl.
2014-11-17
I have been places, there is always somewhere makes you feel better of yourself, somewhere makes you feel worse. Some brings calm, the other brings frustration. But I've never felt belonging to any. Not even the place I was born in or the place I'm living in. No matter where I am, my room is my kingdom and I'm my own landscape. I found that I'm always missing someone afar, someone living in another city, another reality. Where is my city? I come to learn that, my city is where my heart is placed.
於城市與城市之間，流離浪蕩。總會有那麼一個地方，叫我自在，又於另一境地，變得自我厭惡。某個他方使我平靜，某個異域使我抓狂。而我知道，我並不屬於任何地方；非出生地，非居留地。即便軀體於地域上轉移，我只想留在房間，築起我的王國，自成風景。思緒落在遠方。別處、異境，總有人叫我記掛。到底哪裡是我的城市？終究在於心屬何方。
2014/11/17
2014-11-14
If art is the only important thing for now, so then I won't still be lingering. It's going backward but it's actually going forward, forward to the dream we've ever dreamt. Nothing we can foresee. But we have now. We don't have the whole other self. But we emerge. Space and distance, if detachment could really help. What if I doubt. All and all, I just want to believe. Believe in the eternity of the fragments, the tender lips, and the heart beat.
2014-10-26
I believe it's all about the moon. Suddenly the mood change. You are no longer where you were and I am no longer where I was. We are up and down like sea tide. There were happy moments, it's still there, it's still there, then it's gone. A promise is a promise; a secret is a secret. My arm was numb, I remember that, because of your sleeping head, I knew I wanted to remember that. Right on that moment. I knew we only would have that moment. No crying.
Actually I cried.
It's a process, just a process, to miss someone so deep in a phrase of your life. Then it will fade and vanish. Like everything else in the world. We live and die. So grab it, when you can, when that's what you want. I have no shame, no regret and dignity. All I have is fear. Fear to hold anything tight. We all suppose to be free and respectful. We suppose to learn and go deep to our spiritual level. And to accept the fruit / ash of everything. Though I prefer just to live and breath, to love when I feel like. I would rather throw away all the theories and intellectual philosophy talk. Just to live my life as I wish, at least once and only can be once. Too much history get to learn, too much concept need to be told. Leave it and live it.
And mark the date, the reunion of the kiss, 24th October 2014.
And mark the date, the reunion of the kiss, 24th October 2014.
2014-09-05
2014-09-03
2014-09-01
2014-08-29
2014-08-28
2014-08-01
2014-07-23
2014-07-21
2014-07-19
2014-07-10
經過這一晚，展覽有了雛型，整個人輕鬆很多了。原來看似微不足道的東西，也發揮著重要的作用。一直不明瞭策展的重要性，但原來就算有了作品，如何把作品和空間連結起來，是那麼大的一個學問。在一開始，我看著我撒在一地的畫作，真的不知如何是好，我的確是個欠缺整理能力的人，但是ALICE一來，很自然地把作品與作品，和作品與空間，做了一個整合。對比下，我才發現我對空間是那麼不靈敏（還是難以相信當初我是哪筋神經有問題選讀了室內設計，幸好有自知，及時退場）。今天早上和PONTO FINAL做完訪問後，我發了個短訊給AI LIN，問她有沒有空，她問，甚麼事，我說，陪著我，就這樣，她出現了，然後我們一起吃中午飯，她知道我是那種「不知道呀，到時候再說吧」的人，所以她趕緊拿出一張紙，幫我規劃了離展覽開幕我還剩多少時間，然後一項一項地把我該完成的事情有條理地寫下來，開銷預算、數量、甚麼時候需要完成，寫好，遞給我，叫我按規劃進行，我看到，嘩，好厲害，planning這個東西總是耗上我半天，她一下子就弄好了。午飯後，她又把那張planning拿回去，她說，還是我打來提醒你吧，你大概不會拿出來看它一眼。道別後，她回到自己的工作地方，我回到展覽場地。我又開始著急了，畫還沒拿到場地，我打了第二通電話，我說，「ALGE，你在做甚麼」，「準備去游泳」，「可不可以載我去拿一下我的畫」，然後，他就出現了，幫我送了畫過來，陪我去買東西，呀，在他面前有些小壓力，因為，我知道我不能表現得不知所措，我要知道自己該做甚麼，然後行動，不然，他會覺得我沒腦子，幸好，他也了解我，體諒我的粗枝大葉，他陪了我一個下午，在我忘了自己該做甚麼的時候，就在旁邊提醒我，然後，我打了第三通電話，ALICE（嘿，現在才發現，怎麼都是A）在旁晚的時候來到書局，一來到就對我說，星期五是月圓呀，大好的日子！（是天上的月亮星星太陽風火水都會幫我一把的意思嗎？）她還把國傑都叫來，他們兩個一陪我就是整個晚上，一直到十二點多，在我對他們說了我整個展覽的主題和想要表達的感覺，和我想要在展覽裡存在的元素，透過他們對藝術的觸覺，推推砌砌，放在我面前的畫作，終於，好像找到屬於自己的伴侶般，很匹配地相依在一起，然後我之前的不安，也一消而散，這樣看過去，才發現，我的作品好像.... 真的不錯喔！突然就充滿了信心，去迎接那個.... 一想起我的心就亂跳一通的星期五！我真的很感謝很感謝他們，今天幫了我很大很大的忙，而且，就是一通電話就出現了。再加上很多朋友這陣子的不斷給我打氣，給予我肯定。我想很多朋友其實在開幕那天無法到場，有些是因為根本就不在澳門，有些是因為有別的要務在身，但他們都不忘記留言恭喜我，在我不斷懷疑自己「真的嗎？真的夠好了嗎？真的能見人嗎？」的時候，他們就來給我打強心針。還有還有，那個誰，咳該，也謝謝你的鼓勵，只是，只是... 就等你回來囉。（谷歌翻譯有讓你看得懂嗎？）
2014-07-08
也許婚前恐懼症大概都是這種感覺吧，就是在快要來臨的一刻，突然會懷疑，「真的嗎？真的夠好了嗎？能見人嗎？」一想到這裡，內心就會卜通卜通的跳，然後就要安撫自己地對自己說「其實這沒甚麼，就只是開個PARTY而已。人家每年搞生日不都這樣，就是要當一天主角。」可是，也許你不相信，雖然我很享受大家的注視，但同時，我又很不習慣於成為眾人的中心，也因為這個原因，我從來沒有主動邀約一伙朋友慶祝生日過，總覺得，我會好緊張，不想被察覺。我有時候自覺有點虛情假意，因為，一時我會過份熱情，一時又一副漠不關心的樣子，嗯，我只是有點飄忽不定，大家都很忍耐我，都很願意跟我交朋友，然後，在這個關鍵時刻，看到那麼多朋友支持我，內心暖暖的，好像在對我說：「不用擔心，大家沒忘記你，雖然，你平日都冷落我。」（哈哈）我不是一個很有條理的人，好像神經跳得有點快，總是想東想西的，所以準備展覽的過程中，有點手忙腳亂，我是有點擔心開幕當天，會發現還沒佈完展而崩潰... （拜托，不要！）然後又會開始想，我為甚麼要辦展覽呢，我為甚麼要做這樣或那樣呢，突然，就會滿腦子「為甚麼」...
2014-07-05
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2014-05-24
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2014-04-19
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2014-02-13
Dear Crystal,
Don't be afraid to change, you never know what's coming next. Let it surprise you, and it will always come in a good way. Take the adventure.
Kiss from Montemor O Novo
Crystal
To travel! To change countries!
To be forever someone else,
With a soul that has no roots,
Living only off what's it sees!
2014-02-10
2014-02-05
2014-01-22
2014-01-21
2014-01-04
2013-12-27
2013-12-25
2013-12-24
2013-12-23
2013-12-18
2013-12-09
2013-12-07
2013-12-06
Dear Crystal,
You are a sweet girl, with a lovely smile and a good heart. Everyone loves you, you know that, they see how charming and special you are, they cherish you and see you as something priceless. They like to stay with you and you always cheer them up with your brightness. Though you are a bit moody when you are lonely, but that's normal and that happen to everyone. No one was born alone, everyone wants to be loved. So you don't need to think that you are weak, still, you should remind yourself that you are strong enough, you don't need to just hang around. Keep close with the persons that love you and let go for those their lives is happier without you.
With a lot of love,
Crystal
2013-12-04
2013-12-02
2013-12-01
2013-11-21
2013-11-16
2013-11-15
2013-11-11
2013-11-09
2013-11-05
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