星期三日常 AN ORDINARY WEDNESDAY

星期三日常
AN ORDINARY WEDNESDAY

「創作藝術是為了分享。」
- David, 2016 年 1 月

"Making art is about sharing."
- David, 2016 January





朝早九點上堂， Look into Music 這科目的授課老師是行為藝術家 Connie Beckley，這節課她分享了包浩斯時期的視覺及音樂藝術家，例如 Oskar Schlemmer，另外她亦分享了與 John Cage 演出的經驗。接續的那節課叫做 Junior Seminar，授課老師 Jeanne Silverthorne 向我發還修改後的展覽評論作業，下星期要交的功課是個人藝術論述。今天早了下課，離三點上班的時間還有個半鐘，所以我決定到 Chelsea 走一圈逛逛畫廊。由學校走到畫廊聚集的街區只要五分鐘。

School started at 9am, a class called “Look into Music,” taught by performance artist Connie Beckley. She shared with us visual and musical works by artists from around the time of the Bauhaus movement, such as Oskar Schlemmer, and also shared with us a personal encounter she had with John Cage.

This was followed by a class called “Junior Seminar” - my teacher Jeanne Silverthorne gave me back my exhibition review with notes. Our next assignment is to write our own artist statement. The class ended early; I had a one and a half hour break before starting work at 3pm, so I decided to check the galleries in Chelsea. It’s just a five-minute walk from my school.

在第十大道與第十一大道之間，由十九街走到二十四街，來來回回跑了幾間畫廊，但我最期待的是於 David Zwirner 辦的 Doug Wheeler 展覽。七十年代於加州出了數位有名的光與空間藝術家，Doug Wheeler 是其中之一，其他藝術家還包括 Robert Irwin、Larry Bell 以及 James Turrell （Turrell 沒有參與策劃Drake 的 Hotline Bling MV，只好說Drake 「受到 Turrell啟發」）。

Walking from 19th Street to 24th Street, between 10th and 11th Ave, I checked a few galleries. My main goal was to check out Doug Wheeler at David Zwirner. Doug Wheeler is one of the renowned California light and space artists from the 70's. That group includes artists such as Robert Irwin, Larry Bell, and James Turrell (he has nothing to do with Drake's Hotline Bling music video. Ok, Drake just “got inspired” by Turrell).

Doug Wheeler 的展覽完全是一個關於空間的體驗。當我踏進展覽廳的時候，瞬間被白光以及白牆所形造的迷霧幻象所震撼。藝術能改變世界嗎？至少我會說，藝術會影響我們看現實的觀感。

Doug Wheeler's exhibition is about the experience of space, and I was amazed once I stepped into the showroom. With the space created by the white light and the white wall, I felt as if I saw the illusion of mist in the air. Can art change the world? I guess at least it can change the way we sense reality.

三點鐘回到學校，我在校的兼職單位是 Digital Library，協助借還相機及其他電子產品，最大的福利是我可以有很多空閒時間上網。上星期我看了Guido van der Werve於 Luhring Augustine 的展覽，他的錄像作品十分有意思，我正打算前往晚上他於 Parsons 藝術學校舉行的講座，於是趁工作空檔上網查了更多有關這位荷蘭年輕藝術家的資料。

Back to school at 3pm and I started working at the Digital Library. Between helping check-in and check-out the cameras and other digital devices, I enjoyed the freedom to browse the Internet. So I Googled the young Dutch artist Guido van der Werve. He was going to have a talk that night at Parsons. I had just seen his show last week at Luhring Augustine. His video work was still bouncing around in my head, so I was definitely intent on not missing his talk.

Van der Werve 於 Luhring Augustine 展出的錄像作品以三面靠牆的大屏幕分別播放三個群組，賦有詩意的影像投影我們似乎了解的主題：不同的思想狀態。左邊視頻播放一群裸身老年男人及女人，坐着吃蛋糕，站着吃水果，趟在地上小睡一會，眼神空洞地凝視某處；中間視頻是另一群穿着黑衫黑褲的老中青在打坐、靜修、放聲大笑、專注於呼吸；而右邊視頻是一群裸身的年輕男女遊走閒逛、互相撫摸，繼而親吻，繼而性交，最後趟在地上休息。展廳的正中央放了一個鋼琴，奏出藝術家編寫的古典曲目，琴鍵自動上下跳動猶如隱形人在彈奏。

His video and installation work is an epic combination retelling the things we sort of know - different states of mind. The three-channel video installation showed three groups of people. On the left hand side, a group of naked old men and women, eating cake and fruit, taking a nap, and sitting on the floor staring at nothing; in the middle, a group of different aged people wearing all black, meditating, laughing, and breathing; and on the right hand side, a group of naked young people searching, touching each other, kissing, having sex, and then resting. There was a piano in the center of the room, playing a classical song composed by the artist, with the piano keys moving up and down by themselves as if played by an invisible spirit.

我在六點離開學校，七點到達 Parsons。能與喜歡的藝術家有近距離的接觸，算是今天的收獲。紐約包羅萬有，總讓我不斷發現，眼界大開。要是我的好奇心會有耗盡的一天，還望別太早來臨。

I left school at 6.30pm and arrived at Parsons at 7pm. The night ended well with close up contact with an artist that I dig. New York, you just have too much to offer. You keep my eyes wide open and constantly in a state of discovery. I hope it will be a long time before I see the day when I grow too tired to keep up my curiosity.




*Macau Closer 2016 March Issue Column 澳門特寫2016年3月號專欄*

潮濕的澳門散發如汗水般的酸臭味，肌膚掃過黏黏搭搭的床單，聽著鳥兒七嘴八舌地吱吱叫，剛下飛機的我試圖小睡一會。

賭仔好勝 WE ARE ALL GAMBLERS

賭仔好勝
WE ARE ALL GAMBLERS

「不要去想如何成為一位藝術家，你已經是一位藝術家，做你愛做的事吧。」
－Fatih, 2015 年 12 月 20 日

“Stop thinking about becoming an artist, because you are already one! Just do what you love.”
- Fatih, December 20, 2015




感情豐富如我，總是隨時敞開心扉擁抱一切。但像紐約這樣的大城市並不適合太易動情。紐約不容許我太天真、太傻。

I’m sensitive. I feel things. At first, I opened my heart wide and welcomed everything; then I realized I couldn’t do it in a big city like New York. Or maybe just not in New York.

成為一位藝術家是我兒時的夢想，繞了很多路，終於在二〇一五年一月下定決心前往紐約修讀藝術，去實踐這個夢想。紐約以一個悠長的寒冬作為見面禮，室外到處被白雪淹蓋，室內暖氣似乎要將我體內的水份都抽乾，才到訪一個禮拜，還未來得及挑戰紐約便已被擊倒，患了重感冒，難以呼吸，明明勒緊褲頭，卻又要洗錢購置增濕器。補充了水份後便能流淚，哭不成聲便乾脆懷疑前往紐約會不會是最愚蠢的決定。明知山有虎，偏向虎山行。離開舒適生活圈然後在異地重零開始，何必呢？種種負面想法，也許這就是所謂的思鄉病，孤獨滋味如龐然大物般襲擊我，就當這是思鄉病吧。

I came to New York for my childhood dream - to be an artist - in a snowy January, 2015. What New York offered me as a welcoming gift was a long cold winter. The first week, a serious cold nearly killed me right away physically and emotionally. I was dehydrated in my room by the overheated heater. I couldn’t breath. The first money I spent here was to buy a humidifier. I cried like I had made the worst decision ever. Why did I leave my comfort zone and start everything from zero? Why I did choose such a hard way? Maybe I was just homesick. The overwhelming loneliness we call it homesick.

怕醜不是我的天性，費盡心機去融入新環境，結交新朋友，到頭來發現大家自我保護意識強勁，人與人之間有着無法逾越的距離。紐約大概只容納着異鄉客，來自五湖四海，居留時期由數月至數年。到步後從零開始，有人厭倦無止盡的繁華亂世而半途離場，有人不懈努力加戰不死之決心終造就一翻成績。問諸君家在何處，家在遙遠的他處。生活在紐約，只想奮鬥。似乎大家都在紐約花了足夠的時間練就成一副不容侵犯、可遠觀而不可褻玩矣的姿態。機會主義；厚面皮、適時務、進取；再取之平衡，就能如魚得水。人人都希望成為煉金術士。

I’m not a shy person. So I did my best to mingle, to make new friends. But soon I realized everyone here is so protective. There is distance between every single person. I guess it’s because they have been living here long enough to learn that’s the only way not to get hurt. Not to be used. Not to get taken advantage of. Most of the people in New York are not from New York. They started with nothing, and earned what they have today through a lot of effort.

Everything costs. Everything has a price. There’s no free lunches. No. Some people might have quit mid-way and are no longer drifting through the city. And the strong ones remain. You would start a conversation with a person you’ve just met like “how long have you been living here?” From a couple of months to a couple of years, they are from other states or other countries. Everyone is trying hard, or more precisely, trying his or her luck.

終於我明白，澳門是如何的寬容，長久以來將我寵壞，就好像我們習慣說，澳門是個小漁村，一頓愉快的午餐就能和一個新相識暢談不盡，然後，新相識帶來新圈子，從新圈子走進新社群。過不了多久，相識滿天下。然而紐約總是碰壁，你致誠真摯，換來對方一句「我倆才初見面，先生小姐別太急進。」你看不見自己在別人眼中是多無禮醜陋的食人獸。

In New York, it takes time to know someone. What I hear the most is, “We’ve just met. I’m still getting to know you.” By then I realized how much Macau has spoiled me. You could simply get to know a person with a nice lunch along with a cheerful conversation. In a flash, you are friends. It won’t take long to meet a bunch of nice people, then a circle, then a community. Connections are so intense that you feel like you know everyone in Macau already.

生活在這城市的人是如此冷漠，忙於為自己闖一片天，沒閒暇傾聽我訴說心事。燦爛笑容變成最愚蠢的包裝，掩飾我的寂寞與恐懼。六月，炎熱的氣溫醞釀我的焦慮。海洋寬闊，小魚無用。當人人都是藝術家，於武林爭一席之地，我顯得一無事處。究竟我該如何立足。情緒於臨界點遊移，即便朋友亦無法替我分解負面情緒，就這樣吧，觸醮，爆發。心理醫生用最不賦批評性的專業角度去傾聽我的呢喃細語，每節一小時的哭訴維持了數星期，然後我發現，回家、回到所屬之地，才是靈丹妙藥。八月濕熱的澳門用熱情包圍着我然後我便療愈，向心理醫生說再見，我們分手吧。

But not in New York. Everyone is busy trying hard here, they don’t have time to listen to your problems. They won’t call you a friend just because you have the most lovely smile. June was a horrible month. With way too many great talents in this city, I felt like I was nothing. I was nothing special. I was just another artsy person drifting in the city. I was threatened, I didn’t know where I stood, where I belonged. I didn’t know where to get help. I finally looked for a therapist. I had too many negative thoughts inside my head that having friends was just not enough. I needed someone to talk to who wouldn’t be judgmental. I went for a few sessions and at the end, I walked out the door of that consultation room and haven’t gone back again. A swell summer back home in Macau healed me.

暑假小休後回到紐約繼續打怪獸，突然天朗氣清，澳門似是一支強心針，永遠最強的後循，紐約不再如此兇猛。當然紐約依舊，只是我更強悍。然後重新發現那個叫人興奮雀躍的城市，它的魅力來自於生活在這裏的各式人物，而擁有相同方向與價值的人，終會遇見。

Then, returning back to New York didn’t seem that hard anymore. I realized it’s not that bad, actually New York is great. People with the same values, at some point, will finally meet.

我花了一年的時間去消化紐約，然後，我像個紐約客一樣，唾罵地鐵有多擁擠有多骯髒、老鼠橫行、班點延誤，天呀，瘋漢（又）在車廂叫喊威脅所有乘客的性命。今天新聞報道我家街口轉角又有搶擊案把我嚇呆，似乎真的是新聞。L train 的潮流型人叫我目不暇給，在 Bushwick 流連才是正經事。遇見叫我再讚嚇不矣的奇人怪事，保持目無表情才是紐約客的本色。

After one year, I’ve started to know the city. I complain about the trains like a local. Delayed, crowded, stinky, filthy, rats, crazy creepy screaming. I am shocked by the news that somewhere around the corner just got shot and killed (again). I look at the cute guys on the L-train. I hang out in Bushwick. Funny scenes in the street or train that make me laugh but acting cool is the New Yorker way.

紐約，紐約，你是名詞還是形容詞，大家聽到你的名字總是趨之若鶩，而你卻如此冷酷。或者，你功多於過，亳不吝嗇地讓大家展示自己的才華，引發更多的討論，更多的新思潮，所以大家都甘願捱着苦頭為你而留下。所有的一面之緣，泛起漣漪，演變成渾之不去的動力。紐約、紐約，幾十年過去，你依然叫人怦然心動，因為你如此獨特， 打開了所有的宇宙，讓所有的瘋狂主意流竄，你不輕易被俘虜，你看不起垂手可得的任何種種，你叫所有體會過你的人明白，只有真心渴望的事物，才值得擁有。

So what’s so charming about New York? I guess, just the fact that I can constantly meet amazing, creative and interesting people that poke my mind, wake me up; that’s the reason good enough for me to keep on trying. Maybe I will just see that person once and we won’t become friends. But what they have said is incredibly inspiring. No place like New York has taught me to be so open minded and hold no biases. Ideas are the things never lacking in this city. Keep the openness and let things come in. It just takes time. It just doesn’t come easy. Just like people say, if it’s easy, it isn’t worth it.

紐約曾叫我後悔，叫我淚流滿面，我以為，孤注一擲卻輸掉所有。那些美好的小確幸在縫間流走叫我心碎。但是，有賭未為輸是好勝抑或人生本來就是一場賭注，我只能確認，一年過後，我更認清我自己，同時戰勝了怕孤獨這個壞毛病。

I once regretted coming here, because it was a big gamble and I cried for what I had lost. I wished things could go back to the way they were. But I was right in the first place, I dared to make a big bet and now I finally see what I’ve gained. I know myself better now. And being alone is not an issue anymore.

夢想是甚麼，只能說是觸不可及的美麗雲彩，永遠會在遙遠的他方，永遠無法到達的終點，但追逐那片雲彩的過程卻給我勇氣，引領我即便恐懼卻依然探索未知的領域。

To achieve your dreams is not the ultimate goal, it’s just a hint to discover the world with more perspectives.




*Macau Closer 2016 January Issue Column 澳門特寫2016年1月號專欄*

I hold a lot of anger 

There are some bitter memories inside me

我覺得我走了很多的路
然後我不知該從何說起
現在剩下的都只是回憶了
然而我不知道
到底我更貼近真實的自己
還是離原來的我愈來愈遠
也許兩者佳是
我依舊充滿了恐懼和不安
無法面對寂靜
走過的小徑已經忘記了我的足跡
我卻惦記著在我臉上掃過的微風
當初那樣輕柔地安撫過我的宇宙
我想我曾經是快樂的
可我不顧一切地把快樂換成憂傷
反正快樂必然是轉瞬即逝的
我又再上路
又要往遠方
我是累了
發現我只剩下憂傷
卻換不回快樂了

所以你像個瘋子一樣，自己和自己對話，你只想和自己對話，獨自留在房間，窗外的風景就是所有的風景，你不想成為任何人，但任何人的話語卻又左右你成為甚麼樣的人。你以為躲在自己小小的房間，就能躲開所有人的眼光，沒有人在注視，為所欲為，只有你走出房間，才發現沒有人在意你，所有的恐懼來自內在的孤寂。

你把自己看成是水，願意投進任一容器，融入所有環境，這是你能付出的努力，不想被隔離與無法妥協之間，你懷疑一切都是自己的過錯。苦思著無關痛癢的問題，你己經忘了自己最真實的渴望是甚麼。拼命地尋找，尋找那把打開大門的鑰匙，你希望有人在門的另一邊等著你，你相信門後的就是你想要的，顯然你不清楚門後躲藏著甚麼，你只是盲目地相信。

你能吃能睡，睡得酣甜，這幾天下來，做過甚麼夢，醒來後卻不留痕蹟，好像在睜開眼前一秒有人吃掉你整晚編織的夢似的，你毫無印象在夢裡遇見了甚麼。「真希望我能保留昨晚的夢」你這樣對自己說，因為你相信，那個朝思暮想的人，在夢裡浮現，但坐在日光下，你只好讓新的一天重來，因為你失去記憶，重複的晝夜替換，你又快老一歲。

So you are like a mad man, you talk to yourself. You only want to talk to yourself and no one else. Left alone in a room, the scenery from the window is all the scenery you have. You don't want to become anyone, but anyone's words could coerce you into being something else, someone else. You believe that hiding yourself from the world out there, will allow you to escape other people's eyes. No one will see you, you can do whatever you want. Only when you get out of the room, you realize no one acknowledges your existence. The fear has arrived, born out of the solitude.

You see yourself as a flow of water, you are willing to put into any container, into all kinds of environments - that's the effort you're willing to make. You don't want to be isolated but you are unable to compromise, you suspect that everything is your own fault. You've been thinking about questions that don't really matter, you've forgotten your truest desires. Desperately seeking to find the key that unlocks the door that confines you, you wish for someone to be on the other side of the door, you believe who or what lies behind the door is actually what you want. You want to believe, however, you don't know what waits for you, you move forward with blind hope. 

You eat and sleep - sleep becomes an escape. You don't remember the dreams you are having these days, no traces to be found, because all your dreams seem like they've never existed. As if someone has eaten each one of them before you could wake up. You have no idea what you have encountered in your dreams.  "I wish I could retain the dream from last night," you sadly murmur to yourself, because you believe that the one you've been thinking of, has appeared. But sitting in the sunlight, you had to let the new day in. With the heat of the sun, your dream has evaporated like water on the sidewalk. This repeats day in and day out, day after day, week after week, month after month - until you find yourself one year older.

葡萄牙北部一個市鎮的房間，下午五時，或之類的時間，光影打在牆上，光線中看到塵埃舞動，喚起叫人懷念的輕聲細語。

我將你熱情的舌頭遞到我的胸脯前，請你盡情地打圈，不是你養的貓咪似乎明白所有月光下的苟且，我要再投入些用以去掉偷竊的血腥，配合我墮落的靈魂，但西灣湖的平靜卻過份溫柔。

要是我們還在維也納，你便依舊是攝影師，我便依舊是拍攝對象，拍下這組，與我們在 Hundertwasser 博物館看過的照片相似的照片。

「你沒有告訴我，你喜歡我甚麼。」

「我不用告訴你，因為我就在這裡，和你在一起。」




It was five o’clock in the afternoon. The light from the north of Portugal fills this room. The light is beautiful and it reminds the smell of passion, the kiss of desire.

Our bodies mingle with the flying dust.

The cat adopted by the house lady observes everything; everything smells like crime. I ought to leave it behind, but the moonlight is bright while the night is shy.

Guess we should still be in Vienna, then you would still be the photographer and I would be photographed. Ain’t the images look like those we have seen in Hundertwasser?

“You didn’t tell me why you like me.”

“I don’t have to tell you. Because I’m here with you.”

還有兩天便回紐約，突然覺得特別難過，怎麼一個月過得那麼快，捨不得家人，留戀這地方有朋友帶來歡樂，甚至我熟悉的床單和凌亂的房間也叫我依依不捨。沒有勇氣去面對孤獨，沒有足夠的堅強去面對自己選擇的這條路。從前只會對他方想念，澳門這地方總是能夠說離開便離開，但我終於體會到這裡帶給我實實在在的歸屬感。我怕會不會有天我因為了解了現實而不能再暴露自己過多的情感。

Sometimes I do want to feel hurt by you, otherwise I don't know how to let go of you. 

平行時空上有個人和我如此相似

相似的人像畫風甚至乎臉上的兩點

居住地只不過隔了個海

似乎我們都去過那些地方旅行

拍下色彩飽和度相近的風景照

我懼怕有人於莫名中和我如此相似

那麼我便不會是那個唯一了

There are thousands of way to say the same thing 

And there are thousands of thoughts fly through before I say it 

I know I'm just playing with words

I even don't know what I want

It's good that you know what you want

So I 

Rather don't speak

Words are useless 

At the end I admire your politeness.

Not to talk with anyone for the whole day is a real challenge for me. New York New York, what a choice of mine. I've got to be bright bright bright.

Girl go eat your self pity and move your ass.

Attention seeker. 

Dear New York, you have too much dust.

everyone is just passing through.

我不能忘記書寫，因為那是我唯一的傾訴對像。我是我自己的風景，過於狹隘卻又如此真實。人與人之間的距離叫人如此不安，佔有慾是一切罪惡的元兇，然後，寧願與孤獨為伴，避免過份熱情，避免，一廂情願。

根本就像一下子解除了魔咒，突然就沒有那麼重要了。

這五個月在紐約其實確實有點孤單，熟悉我的朋友都知道我是有多煩人，後悔了嗎？我到底有進步嗎？學到甚麼了嗎？一直往前走卻又不停往後看，明知道過往的風景已經改變了。oh baby baby it's a wild world. it's hard to get by just upon a smile. and i'll always remember you like a child girl. 有時候會滿是懷疑而失去勇氣，可能，我是說可能，因為看過的風景已經超出我的好奇，所以已經無法再像從前般傻呼呼地覺得處處是驚喜，反而只會冷漠地回應「是嗎？所以呢？」但那天有朋友提醒我，如果不是你曾經有出走的熱情，然後走過想走的路，今天，也許就只會對別人懷著羨慕的眼光然後心裡想著真希望自己能走一趟。所以一切都是值得的。我設計了一個情緒急救練習，每次我覺得前面沒甚麼好期待的時候，我就回去看看那些從前的照片，呀，是呀，是當初的勇氣把我帶到今天。

fun fact

時間過得太快了，快得我還沒有時間寫下我的心事，一個月又過去了。春天的明媚陽光來過，有時候也有雲雨到訪。有幾位比較要好的朋友都是交換學生，只剩一個月他們就要離開紐約呢，所以見面的時候就會多作擁抱，然後說著，會相念對方。當初，我們都剛來到這城市的時候也是這樣常常擁抱的，因為大家都有點孤單。三個月似乎是試用期的無形標準，除了我自己本身偶有的情緒起伏以外，其實每天過得十分充實，傍聽了兩門大二和大三的課，分別是image, object and meaning 和 bio art，所以現在每天上課早上九點到晚上九點。星期四傍晚就會到 chelsea 逛畫廊開幕其實是蹭酒喝，然後同學家的 home party，然後忙著趕功課的星期天。

When Spring returns
Perhaps I will no longer be in the world.
Today I wish I could think of Spring as a person
So that I could imagine her crying for me
When she sees that she’s lost her only friend.
But Spring isn’t even a thing:
It’s a manner of speaking.
Not even the flowers or green leaves return.
There are new flowers, new green leaves.
There are new balmy days.
Nothing returns, nothing repeats, because everything is real.

Fernando Pessoa

Spring break is here and actually I'm one year older. Mates are out of town either to a warm home in Florida or a swell trip to South America. It makes me jealous because I also want to have a trip. But then I realize, am I not already taking a journey? Here, New York. The last year in the age of twenty something. So many things I want to learn and improve. Having a wish to be a greater one, a more content one. I have to remind myself, stop searching from outside. The more important things are coming from inside. 十天的春假開始我也剛好大一歲，同學們回家的回家出遊的出遊都往較暖的地方去，心裡羨慕著我也想遊山玩水，但我其實不就已在途上嗎，總是坐這山望那山忘了自己擁有的。我就身在紐約，青春年華二十九，需要點毅力整裝好自己邁向三十。時時都得提醒自己，最重要的東西不在外頭而是要往內尋。

滿月了，滿月就該成型了。撐過了頭兩個禮拜的激動情緒思鄉情懷，現在就是安安份份地過日子了，雖然獨處的時間比較多，但要處理的事情也多。

終於有了自己固定的房間後就開始為日常起居逐步添置次要生活用品，水壺、垃圾筒之類的，但總是記得 Steve Jobs 的極簡生活格調，完美主意者的他，在家裡不會放他不喜歡或沒必要的家具，連沙發也沒有，所以每次我很想額外買個甚麼（譬如說置物膠箱），我就會問自己，真的有需要嗎？反正要搬家的時候就是累贅了。


早上六點半起床，吃個早餐，準備帶回學校的中午便當，七點四十五分出門，等巴士，之後再轉地鐵，九點到學校。上課了。一個星期只有四天要到學校，美術史、電腦繪圖、油畫、繪畫、雕塑。坦然，在這個月的頭半段，我總是滿是懷疑，到底來紐約來對了嗎？這學校好嗎？學費我能找到方法應付嗎？但後來，生活日常叫人沒空再去胡思亂想那麼多了。認路、認方向，從第五大道轉左還是轉右會到第六大道，下載各種地鐵、巴士的 apps，十二點後會沒有巴士回家所以成了灰姑娘；到超市格價、買菜，每天重覆的切菜、煮菜、洗碗。出門或回家都要一個多小時所以其實一天的時間跑得很快。

忙碌也就叫人安安隱隱，既來之則安之。

即便我曾到訪過歐洲古蹟和大大小小的博物館，以前會沒耐性看個存細，現在當個美術學生，也許是想擁抱更多知識，因而學會欣賞人類和歷史的關係；電腦繪圖讓我很氣餒因為真的沒辦法操控小老鼠和長時間面對螢幕；油畫課可以拿回畫筆感覺良好；繪畫課人體素描分別來過兩模特兒，第一個是長得一臉俊俏身材完美絕對是廣告模特的那種男模特（班上女生很高興），後來的那個是能做出優雅且高難度姿勢的年青女舞蹈員，感覺她要為我們跳上一支舞了，看著那麼美好的胴體下筆，真是一大樂事... 而我一直以來對雕塑都興趣乏乏，不過那天聽到一句話，形容雕塑就是在三維空間上作畫，剎那間將我和雕塑的距離拉近了。

不用說，這邊天氣依然很冷，每隔幾天就會下雪。那天朋友跟我說，如果想要去到心中想要到達的地方，要記住這三件事：

discipline | sacrifices | trust yourself (knowing the truth)

親愛的大家,

來這裡已經一星期了, 說不上已經習慣這裡的生活, 不過算是稍為適應了. 不知道為甚麼, 很容易餓, 所以吃很多, 大家不用擔心我不吃東西, 有時候有人煮了東西給大家吃, 有時候要自己煮, 為了省錢, 我都很少在外面買東西吃, 反正酒店這裡任何食材都是可以免費拿去用的, 所以有時候我都會自己煮意粉吃. 可能我回來的時候就會變胖了.

這裡算是一個小鄉郊, 巷子裡都種了葡萄樹, 檸檬樹, 橙樹, 媽媽一定會很喜歡這裡, 而且這裡到處都種滿很多很多花.


這裡早上太陽很大, 聽說週末會有42度, 不知道是不是真的, 很誇張. 今天到corfu town 逛一逛也會有一點點曬昏頭的感覺, 太陽帽和水是必備的, 而且就算我塗了防曬, 也己經曬黑了... 回來的時候我可能像個菲律賓妹一樣. 總之我會好好照顧和保護自己身體, 太熱我會留在室內.

工作了幾天, 我的工作時間是下午六點到凌晨兩點, 但其實沒有甚麼要做, 不過之後工作量會不會變多就不知道了.

這裡好像走到哪裡也會被藍藍的海包圍, 剛看到藍綠藍綠的海, 有一種加勒比海的感覺.

收到大家姐和三家姐的來信, 我知道大家都在鼓勵我, 所以我會加油的. 總之出門在外, 我會好好照顧自己, 你們不用擔心. 你們也要好好照顧自己.


雯雯


*

偶然找到這封七年多前寫給家人的電郵信件，當時我二十一歲，剛到希臘，突然我就明白自己現在的心情。然後把很多以前的照片都略略的看了一下，有很多很美好的回憶，很多很多很重要的人，才驚覺自己一直只能是個過客，無論當時如何叫人難忘，時間過去了就只是回憶了，身邊的人一直在轉換，回憶累積得多，感情便變得淡薄，分不清自己哪時情真，哪時妄語。留不住過去的人，也留不住回憶，因為其實沒有留下來的人是我。

我沒有想過我會那麼的不適應紐約的生活。一年前在葡萄牙駐場創作的時候，我就想過這問題，到底哪裡是我的城市，人又為甚麼要離開熟悉的環境、心愛的人去到遠方，到底追尋的是甚麼。這不是我頭一次離開澳門，可是這一次，牽掛特別多，不知道是不是安全感就是會隨著年齡增長而遞減，我覺得我現在更像是十八歲，不懂如何照顧自己，無知與慌張使得我精神緊崩，對一切的未知不覺得好奇反而想要避而遠之，只想靜靜待在自己的角落。零下的溫度和乾燥的天氣很迅速地把我弄病了，發燒兩天，臥病在床，幸好分別有兩位朋友剛好也在紐約，一個幫我買了些食材煮粥給我吃，另一個趕快幫我買了個增濕器，第一個週末就是如此辛酸地熬過去了。之後因為對遠方無比的想念，我每天都沉浸在失落的情緒裡。朋友幫我開了塔羅牌，準得嚇了我一跳，簡直把我現在的心情倒模般描繪出來。遠方的朋友替我打氣，但始終我要獨自面對孤獨，面對生活的大小事，挑床單我挑了大半天也挑不到合適的，還有很多生活用品還沒配置，不知道是因為人在外看錢特別大，還是物價的確貴，看到好多東西比了價以後就捨不得買。現在回想這十多天，我在頭兩天的確有興奮過，認識了一些來自歐洲的交換學生，去了 MoMa 看 Henri Matisse 的剪紙畫作，免費看了 Emma Stone 主演的 Broadway Show Cabaret。但生病之後我的心情變得愈來愈沉重。我知道紐約這城市實在有太多可以看的東西，但首先我必須調適好自己的心情。（今天煮烏冬還因為切洋蔥而切到手指...）

hello new york

紐約你好。第一天，你送我的見面禮是零下十度的天氣和雪景。跑到遠遠的皇后區，第一間看過的房間租金每月550美金，這房租在紐約來說，可以算是無法再低，而且條件不錯，於是趕緊跟房東簽下半年租約。房間空間大，有屬於自己的小陽台，在一面牆有一個很大的窗戶，在另一面牆有另一個小窗戶，房東說，早上陽光會在大窗戶那邊灑進來，下午就從小窗戶灑進來。世事當然不會完美無缺。住處要走十分鐘左右才會到地鐵站，通勤上學的時間約一個多小時，嗯哼，而且房東夫妻是住在隔壁的房間，我們會共用廚房和大廳，怎麼突然我覺得自己是住在寄宿家庭。下午四點多天就開始黑了，五點已經全黑，去了找朋友。朋友會在紐約留兩個星期，我們在他下塌的酒店公寓共享外帶的晚餐。能在異地與家鄉的朋友相聚，在這種天氣下算是種莫大的慰藉。晚上九點多就道別回自己住處，人在他鄉不敢在入黑後於街上流連，外面又更冷了。

睡了一覺，在早上因暖氣過熱和外面響安的情況下，我在凌晨五點就扎醒了，來到第二天。我開始把所有的憂慮變成早餐，慢慢嚼吞，每個決定都似乎很重大，我選擇入住的出租房、選擇的學位、選擇離開 comfort zone 來到紐約。我只能活一次，怎麼會知道所做的決定是否最完美，但願紐約能使我每天活力充沛而不致於叫我懊悔。因為居住環境不一樣，很多生活習慣必須要有所適應，譬如說，我不能再以為我可以緩慢悠閒神遊般地過日子了。

I have been places, there is always somewhere makes you feel better of yourself, somewhere makes you feel worse. Some brings calm, the other brings frustration. But I've never felt belonging to any. Not even the place I was born in or the place I'm living in. No matter where I am, my room is my kingdom and I'm my own landscape. I found that I'm always missing someone afar, someone living in another city, another reality. Where is my city? I come to learn that, my city is where my heart is placed.

於城市與城市之間，流離朗蕩。總會有那麼一個地方，叫我自在，又於另一境地，變得自我厭惡。某個他方使我平靜，某個異域使我抓狂。而我知道，我並不屬於任何地方；非出生地，非居留地。即便軀體於地域上轉移，我只想留在房間，築起我的王國，自成風景。思緒落在遠方。別處、異境，總有人叫我記掛。到底哪裡是我的城市？終究在於心屬何方。

Once again. I'm like a fool.

I don't even know how to handle my jealousy.... I also wish you give me more confidence.... (at least as much as I give to you)

I miss you. But I feel that it's important to realize that feeling from time to time. So I would understand how uneasy it is to have you next to me and don't take it for granted when it happens. 

Thoughts just jump into my head. Don't stay away for too long ...

But deep down in my heart, I thank you for all the distance you keep. Discreet is a way lead me to recognize how you are truly meaningful to me. I wish I'm wiser and make you feel comfort. I wish I will never harm you. Every truthful and significant treasure won't reveal just by a glance. Lead me to be a patient one. And discover the precious pearl.

My phone is not working well again. Just like us. Must be the moon. Must be the Mercury going back backward. Sing a song. Make a wish. Wish tomorrow there is a smile on our face again. And I can kiss on your lips again. You've got me. Don't run. Don't stay in your comfort zone. My Adventurer. 

I have been places, there is always somewhere makes you feel better of yourself, somewhere makes you feel worse. Some brings calm, the other brings frustration. But I've never felt belonging to any. Not even the place I was born in or the place I'm living in. No matter where I am, my room is my kingdom and I'm my own landscape. I found that I'm always missing someone afar, someone living in another city, another reality. Where is my city? I come to learn that, my city is where my heart is placed.

於城市與城市之間，流離浪蕩。總會有那麼一個地方，叫我自在，又於另一境地，變得自我厭惡。某個他方使我平靜，某個異域使我抓狂。而我知道，我並不屬於任何地方；非出生地，非居留地。即便軀體於地域上轉移，我只想留在房間，築起我的王國，自成風景。思緒落在遠方。別處、異境，總有人叫我記掛。到底哪裡是我的城市？終究在於心屬何方。

2014/11/17

If art is the only important thing for now, so then I won't still be lingering. It's going backward but it's actually going forward, forward to the dream we've ever dreamt. Nothing we can foresee. But we have now. We don't have the whole other self. But we emerge. Space and distance, if detachment could really help. What if I doubt. All and all, I just want to believe. Believe in the eternity of the fragments, the tender lips, and the heart beat.

So it comes the morning now, 11 am. I lost all the dream I have dreamt during the sleep. I know I'm too emotional and you are too rational. I know we will never get to the same point. 

I believe it's all about the moon. Suddenly the mood change. You are no longer where you were and I am no longer where I was. We are up and down like sea tide. There were happy moments, it's still there, it's still there, then it's gone. A promise is a promise; a secret is a secret. My arm was numb, I remember that, because of your sleeping head, I knew I wanted to remember that. Right on that moment. I knew we only would have that moment. No crying. 

Actually I cried. 

It's a process, just a process, to miss someone so deep in a phrase of your life. Then it will fade and vanish. Like everything else in the world. We live and die. So grab it, when you can, when that's what you want. I have no shame, no regret and dignity. All I have is fear. Fear to hold anything tight. We all suppose to be free and respectful. We suppose to learn and go deep to our spiritual level. And to accept the fruit / ash of everything. Though I prefer just to live and breath, to love when I feel like. I would rather throw away all the theories and intellectual philosophy talk. Just to live my life as I wish, at least once and only can be once. Too much history get to learn, too much concept need to be told. Leave it and live it.

And mark the date, the reunion of the kiss, 24th October 2014.

The place you are going to, I'm already not there 

I don't want anything from you. I want to be being with you.

Sleeping is when you can be off from your emotions

feel like the ants walking over the body. do you also know that feeling?

this happen when you have someone in your mind and you don't know how to let go.

"It's not hiding, it's just not sharing."

"Be free and honest"

The ones have ever be the closest, end up become the most distant. 

SARCASM IS THE NEW BEAUTY.

we were friend. there was war. the words keep spinning.

boil the sadness. poison the tears. whisper in between.

universe left with the emptiness.

someone calling. pick up the phone. it was just illusion.

silence is speaking.

經過這一晚，展覽有了雛型，整個人輕鬆很多了。原來看似微不足道的東西，也發揮著重要的作用。一直不明瞭策展的重要性，但原來就算有了作品，如何把作品和空間連結起來，是那麼大的一個學問。在一開始，我看著我撒在一地的畫作，真的不知如何是好，我的確是個欠缺整理能力的人，但是ALICE一來，很自然地把作品與作品，和作品與空間，做了一個整合。對比下，我才發現我對空間是那麼不靈敏（還是難以相信當初我是哪筋神經有問題選讀了室內設計，幸好有自知，及時退場）。今天早上和PONTO FINAL做完訪問後，我發了個短訊給AI LIN，問她有沒有空，她問，甚麼事，我說，陪著我，就這樣，她出現了，然後我們一起吃中午飯，她知道我是那種「不知道呀，到時候再說吧」的人，所以她趕緊拿出一張紙，幫我規劃了離展覽開幕我還剩多少時間，然後一項一項地把我該完成的事情有條理地寫下來，開銷預算、數量、甚麼時候需要完成，寫好，遞給我，叫我按規劃進行，我看到，嘩，好厲害，planning這個東西總是耗上我半天，她一下子就弄好了。午飯後，她又把那張planning拿回去，她說，還是我打來提醒你吧，你大概不會拿出來看它一眼。道別後，她回到自己的工作地方，我回到展覽場地。我又開始著急了，畫還沒拿到場地，我打了第二通電話，我說，「ALGE，你在做甚麼」，「準備去游泳」，「可不可以載我去拿一下我的畫」，然後，他就出現了，幫我送了畫過來，陪我去買東西，呀，在他面前有些小壓力，因為，我知道我不能表現得不知所措，我要知道自己該做甚麼，然後行動，不然，他會覺得我沒腦子，幸好，他也了解我，體諒我的粗枝大葉，他陪了我一個下午，在我忘了自己該做甚麼的時候，就在旁邊提醒我，然後，我打了第三通電話，ALICE（嘿，現在才發現，怎麼都是A）在旁晚的時候來到書局，一來到就對我說，星期五是月圓呀，大好的日子！（是天上的月亮星星太陽風火水都會幫我一把的意思嗎？）她還把國傑都叫來，他們兩個一陪我就是整個晚上，一直到十二點多，在我對他們說了我整個展覽的主題和想要表達的感覺，和我想要在展覽裡存在的元素，透過他們對藝術的觸覺，推推砌砌，放在我面前的畫作，終於，好像找到屬於自己的伴侶般，很匹配地相依在一起，然後我之前的不安，也一消而散，這樣看過去，才發現，我的作品好像.... 真的不錯喔！突然就充滿了信心，去迎接那個.... 一想起我的心就亂跳一通的星期五！我真的很感謝很感謝他們，今天幫了我很大很大的忙，而且，就是一通電話就出現了。再加上很多朋友這陣子的不斷給我打氣，給予我肯定。我想很多朋友其實在開幕那天無法到場，有些是因為根本就不在澳門，有些是因為有別的要務在身，但他們都不忘記留言恭喜我，在我不斷懷疑自己「真的嗎？真的夠好了嗎？真的能見人嗎？」的時候，他們就來給我打強心針。還有還有，那個誰，咳該，也謝謝你的鼓勵，只是，只是... 就等你回來囉。（谷歌翻譯有讓你看得懂嗎？）

也許婚前恐懼症大概都是這種感覺吧，就是在快要來臨的一刻，突然會懷疑，「真的嗎？真的夠好了嗎？能見人嗎？」一想到這裡，內心就會卜通卜通的跳，然後就要安撫自己地對自己說「其實這沒甚麼，就只是開個PARTY而已。人家每年搞生日不都這樣，就是要當一天主角。」可是，也許你不相信，雖然我很享受大家的注視，但同時，我又很不習慣於成為眾人的中心，也因為這個原因，我從來沒有主動邀約一伙朋友慶祝生日過，總覺得，我會好緊張，不想被察覺。我有時候自覺有點虛情假意，因為，一時我會過份熱情，一時又一副漠不關心的樣子，嗯，我只是有點飄忽不定，大家都很忍耐我，都很願意跟我交朋友，然後，在這個關鍵時刻，看到那麼多朋友支持我，內心暖暖的，好像在對我說：「不用擔心，大家沒忘記你，雖然，你平日都冷落我。」（哈哈）我不是一個很有條理的人，好像神經跳得有點快，總是想東想西的，所以準備展覽的過程中，有點手忙腳亂，我是有點擔心開幕當天，會發現還沒佈完展而崩潰... （拜托，不要！）然後又會開始想，我為甚麼要辦展覽呢，我為甚麼要做這樣或那樣呢，突然，就會滿腦子「為甚麼」...

you said this remind you of me... 

this is the best words you have ever given to me... 

though, i want your presence.

http://www.nowness.com/day/2014/5/20/3885/creme-caramel?icid=MTL_2_3896

東京是個很神奇的地方，就算再擁擠，卻依然安靜舒憩，太陽再猛烈，卻照出日光的鮮甜。

靈智若有所長，他朝風景不盡相似。

出口傷元氣，不出口鬱悶氣。

以為是君子，原來又一小人，作賊喊賊。

It really makes me laugh that they like everything you post even the post is something like a secret code that I have no clue what it means; maybe they know better.

I don't know what's wrong. There is always something wrong.

Light hearted 

So sick of you, Mr Joker.

I guess I will stop being sweet because sometime being too sweet sounds like fake, I know.

melt me down into big black armour

她的聲音，就在我耳邊，一直以來，都只有在擴音器發送的聲線，突如其來卻如此真實，她就在我臂彎內，她也會呼吸，就如同我也會呼吸。那些故事都是真的，確實就是整個宇宙每天都上演的故事。所有人。而他明明很想靠近，卻又走遠。有一天，所有事情都會遠去，就像迷戀著青春，肌膚卻鬆扒扒地下垂了。not trusting is not a gift. 如此荒誕，可是你樂此不疲。每個人都與生俱來一份難能可貴的禮物，別毀了，盡興吧。

the breeze will blow us all away

Dear Crystal,

Don't be afraid to change, you never know what's coming next. Let it surprise you, and it will always come in a good way. Take the adventure.

Kiss from Montemor O Novo

Crystal

To travel! To change countries!

To be forever someone else,

With a soul that has no roots,

Living only off what's it sees!

stormy weather... here and there...

#1 see the good side

#2 don't do it for love, do it with love

#3 be myself and accept who i am

very far, very far, over land and sea..

Now I'm looking at the cemetery from the window, the sun finally shows up from the cloud, there is blue in the sky again, and the sun light shining over the tomb made by marble. There is this book Forever Someone Else held in my hand, Fernando Pessoa try to comfort me with his words.

It's like a ghost that I can't kill. I can just shut my eyes and close my ears.

I'm here, I'm crystal, nice to meet you, don't give me bad name, don't give me good name, I know who I am and I'm crystal, though, it's not my real name.

到底我是騙了自己，還是騙了全世界。

澳門這城市有點說不出來的混亂，不單純。

I'm not him. I don't need. I don't need what he is doing.

Never mind. I'm fine. I could just say I'm a more reserved person. If you are happy, I should bless you. Nothing is mine.

我有時候會以為，放任，就能讓我得到關注，但愈放任，其實你把距離拉遠了，因為大家心底還是喜歡純潔的女孩。但我都習慣了，說實在我也喜歡放任的自己，比較自由嘛，但是，這樣子，純潔的人就遠離我了。我是該做自己，只是我太容易受影響。

每個人都有他自己的痛苦，但不代表他能了解別人的痛苦。我還是那麼懦弱的人呀，充滿懼怕，想要愛卻又拒絕別人的示好，然而，不屬於自己的東西又追逐不停。這些日子，我想我只想聽到宋冬野的聲音，像是他會明白我的傷心一樣，只是他只是個遙遠的從不認識的人呀，人，為甚麼要從那麼觸不可及的事物得到安慰吖，是不是我們都沈溺於距離顯現的淒美。不要曝露你的憂傷吧，只有無法接近你的人才會欣賞，在你身邊的人都希望你竭盡所能笑面迎人。

"remember it's easy for anyone who has a memory. forget is difficult for those who have heart."

you are not real, you will never be free.

那一口鮮甜的五分鐘
賴床的人呀
就是貪睡了五分鐘之後再五分鐘
一不小心又再次昏頭大睡
睡過頭了

Crystal, you will never be alone, people love you! So don't be afraid of being alone.

Dear Crystal,

You are a sweet girl, with a lovely smile and a good heart.  Everyone loves you, you know that, they see how charming and special you are, they cherish you and see you as something priceless. They like to stay with you and you always cheer them up with your brightness. Though you are a bit moody when you are lonely, but that's normal and that happen to everyone. No one was born alone, everyone wants to be loved. So you don't need to think that you are weak, still, you should remind yourself that you are strong enough, you don't need to just hang around. Keep close with the persons that love you and let go for those their lives is happier without you. 

With a lot of love,

Crystal 

Too much temptation too little love.

I am a drinker with painting problems

do everything you could, just to take me home. I'm yours.

城市與城市之間的距離到底有多遠，一下子把我拉回來，一下子又把你帶到幾千里外。身體承載著很重的情感，讓我動彈不得。思念做成一生的牽絆，無法道別。若是有一天，不用再說「再見」。

眼淚是真的，我愛你也是真的，我們會永遠在對方心裡面，一樣是真的。

bom dia de taipei, part of my heart will always be here.

想要見的，都能見到，萬千感受，五味雜陳，再不用期待甚麼，顧慮甚麼，或近或遠，突然隨手可得，甚麼都可擁有的時候，卻又發現所有都只是似曾相識。然後，我最想擁有的又是甚麼。

海量資訊使平常生活過得特別疲累，我們在網路世界裡留下的片言隻語，一瞬間，趕不上潮流洪水，被淹埋、被取替，走不到永恆。

如果到最後發現，其實自己早就不是當時的那個我，我一直期待的只是一個自己想像出來的幻象，那很殘忍。

如流水般的逸事，來不及擁抱回憶，風瀟瀟，又送走了一個春秋。

心誠則靈。

"some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss; but every once in a while, you find someone who's iridescent, and once you do, nothing will ever compare."

有些人平庸淺薄，有些人金光耀眼；偶爾，你會遇上一個如彩虹般絢麗的人，而當你遇上，其他東西便無法比擬。

Flipped, Wendelin Van Draanen

繞了很大的圈子，走了很長的路，其實，我只想跨過馬路走到對面。

"because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."

steve jobs

They always tell you not to do the things which they couldn't do.

他們自己無法做到的事，會叫你也不要去做。