It's a process, just a process, to miss someone so deep in a phrase of your life. Then it will fade and vanish. Like everything else in the world. We live and die. So grab it, when you can, when that's what you want. I have no shame, no regret and dignity. All I have is fear. Fear to hold anything tight. We all suppose to be free and respectful. We suppose to learn and go deep to our spiritual level. And to accept the fruit / ash of everything. Though I prefer just to live and breath, to love when I feel like. I would rather throw away all the theories and intellectual philosophy talk. Just to live my life as I wish, at least once and only can be once. Too much history get to learn, too much concept need to be told. Leave it and live it.

And mark the date, the reunion of the kiss, 24th October 2014.

The place you are going to, I'm already not there 

I don't want anything from you. I want to be being with you.

Sleeping is when you can be off from your emotions

feel like the ants walking over the body. do you also know that feeling?

this happen when you have someone in your mind and you don't know how to let go.

"It's not hiding, it's just not sharing."

"Be free and honest"

The ones have ever be the closest, end up become the most distant. 

SARCASM IS THE NEW BEAUTY.

we were friend. there was war. the words keep spinning.

boil the sadness. poison the tears. whisper in between.

universe left with the emptiness.

someone calling. pick up the phone. it was just illusion.

silence is speaking.

經過這一晚，展覽有了雛型，整個人輕鬆很多了。原來看似微不足道的東西，也發揮著重要的作用。一直不明瞭策展的重要性，但原來就算有了作品，如何把作品和空間連結起來，是那麼大的一個學問。在一開始，我看著我撒在一地的畫作，真的不知如何是好，我的確是個欠缺整理能力的人，但是ALICE一來，很自然地把作品與作品，和作品與空間，做了一個整合。對比下，我才發現我對空間是那麼不靈敏（還是難以相信當初我是哪筋神經有問題選讀了室內設計，幸好有自知，及時退場）。今天早上和PONTO FINAL做完訪問後，我發了個短訊給AI LIN，問她有沒有空，她問，甚麼事，我說，陪著我，就這樣，她出現了，然後我們一起吃中午飯，她知道我是那種「不知道呀，到時候再說吧」的人，所以她趕緊拿出一張紙，幫我規劃了離展覽開幕我還剩多少時間，然後一項一項地把我該完成的事情有條理地寫下來，開銷預算、數量、甚麼時候需要完成，寫好，遞給我，叫我按規劃進行，我看到，嘩，好厲害，planning這個東西總是耗上我半天，她一下子就弄好了。午飯後，她又把那張planning拿回去，她說，還是我打來提醒你吧，你大概不會拿出來看它一眼。道別後，她回到自己的工作地方，我回到展覽場地。我又開始著急了，畫還沒拿到場地，我打了第二通電話，我說，「ALGE，你在做甚麼」，「準備去游泳」，「可不可以載我去拿一下我的畫」，然後，他就出現了，幫我送了畫過來，陪我去買東西，呀，在他面前有些小壓力，因為，我知道我不能表現得不知所措，我要知道自己該做甚麼，然後行動，不然，他會覺得我沒腦子，幸好，他也了解我，體諒我的粗枝大葉，他陪了我一個下午，在我忘了自己該做甚麼的時候，就在旁邊提醒我，然後，我打了第三通電話，ALICE（嘿，現在才發現，怎麼都是A）在旁晚的時候來到書局，一來到就對我說，星期五是月圓呀，大好的日子！（是天上的月亮星星太陽風火水都會幫我一把的意思嗎？）她還把國傑都叫來，他們兩個一陪我就是整個晚上，一直到十二點多，在我對他們說了我整個展覽的主題和想要表達的感覺，和我想要在展覽裡存在的元素，透過他們對藝術的觸覺，推推砌砌，放在我面前的畫作，終於，好像找到屬於自己的伴侶般，很匹配地相依在一起，然後我之前的不安，也一消而散，這樣看過去，才發現，我的作品好像.... 真的不錯喔！突然就充滿了信心，去迎接那個.... 一想起我的心就亂跳一通的星期五！我真的很感謝很感謝他們，今天幫了我很大很大的忙，而且，就是一通電話就出現了。再加上很多朋友這陣子的不斷給我打氣，給予我肯定。我想很多朋友其實在開幕那天無法到場，有些是因為根本就不在澳門，有些是因為有別的要務在身，但他們都不忘記留言恭喜我，在我不斷懷疑自己「真的嗎？真的夠好了嗎？真的能見人嗎？」的時候，他們就來給我打強心針。還有還有，那個誰，咳該，也謝謝你的鼓勵，只是，只是... 就等你回來囉。（谷歌翻譯有讓你看得懂嗎？）

也許婚前恐懼症大概都是這種感覺吧，就是在快要來臨的一刻，突然會懷疑，「真的嗎？真的夠好了嗎？能見人嗎？」一想到這裡，內心就會卜通卜通的跳，然後就要安撫自己地對自己說「其實這沒甚麼，就只是開個PARTY而已。人家每年搞生日不都這樣，就是要當一天主角。」可是，也許你不相信，雖然我很享受大家的注視，但同時，我又很不習慣於成為眾人的中心，也因為這個原因，我從來沒有主動邀約一伙朋友慶祝生日過，總覺得，我會好緊張，不想被察覺。我有時候自覺有點虛情假意，因為，一時我會過份熱情，一時又一副漠不關心的樣子，嗯，我只是有點飄忽不定，大家都很忍耐我，都很願意跟我交朋友，然後，在這個關鍵時刻，看到那麼多朋友支持我，內心暖暖的，好像在對我說：「不用擔心，大家沒忘記你，雖然，你平日都冷落我。」（哈哈）我不是一個很有條理的人，好像神經跳得有點快，總是想東想西的，所以準備展覽的過程中，有點手忙腳亂，我是有點擔心開幕當天，會發現還沒佈完展而崩潰... （拜托，不要！）然後又會開始想，我為甚麼要辦展覽呢，我為甚麼要做這樣或那樣呢，突然，就會滿腦子「為甚麼」...

you said this remind you of me... 

this is the best words you have ever given to me... 

though, i want your presence.

http://www.nowness.com/day/2014/5/20/3885/creme-caramel?icid=MTL_2_3896

東京是個很神奇的地方，就算再擁擠，卻依然安靜舒憩，太陽再猛烈，卻照出日光的鮮甜。

靈智若有所長，他朝風景不盡相似。

出口傷元氣，不出口鬱悶氣。

以為是君子，原來又一小人，作賊喊賊。

It really makes me laugh that they like everything you post even the post is something like a secret code that I have no clue what it means; maybe they know better.

I don't know what's wrong. There is always something wrong.

Light hearted 

So sick of you, Mr Joker.

I guess I will stop being sweet because sometime being too sweet sounds like fake, I know.

melt me down into big black armour

她的聲音，就在我耳邊，一直以來，都只有在擴音器發送的聲線，突如其來卻如此真實，她就在我臂彎內，她也會呼吸，就如同我也會呼吸。那些故事都是真的，確實就是整個宇宙每天都上演的故事。所有人。而他明明很想靠近，卻又走遠。有一天，所有事情都會遠去，就像迷戀著青春，肌膚卻鬆扒扒地下垂了。not trusting is not a gift. 如此荒誕，可是你樂此不疲。每個人都與生俱來一份難能可貴的禮物，別毀了，盡興吧。

the breeze will blow us all away

Dear Crystal,

Don't be afraid to change, you never know what's coming next. Let it surprise you, and it will always come in a good way. Take the adventure.

Kiss from Montemor O Novo

Crystal

To travel! To change countries!

To be forever someone else,

With a soul that has no roots,

Living only off what's it sees!

stormy weather... here and there...

#1 see the good side

#2 don't do it for love, do it with love

#3 be myself and accept who i am

very far, very far, over land and sea..

Now I'm looking at the cemetery from the window, the sun finally shows up from the cloud, there is blue in the sky again, and the sun light shining over the tomb made by marble. There is this book Forever Someone Else held in my hand, Fernando Pessoa try to comfort me with his words.

It's like a ghost that I can't kill. I can just shut my eyes and close my ears.

I'm here, I'm crystal, nice to meet you, don't give me bad name, don't give me good name, I know who I am and I'm crystal, though, it's not my real name.

到底我是騙了自己，還是騙了全世界。

澳門這城市有點說不出來的混亂，不單純。

I'm not him. I don't need. I don't need what he is doing.

Never mind. I'm fine. I could just say I'm a more reserved person. If you are happy, I should bless you. Nothing is mine.

我有時候會以為，放任，就能讓我得到關注，但愈放任，其實你把距離拉遠了，因為大家心底還是喜歡純潔的女孩。但我都習慣了，說實在我也喜歡放任的自己，比較自由嘛，但是，這樣子，純潔的人就遠離我了。我是該做自己，只是我太容易受影響。

每個人都有他自己的痛苦，但不代表他能了解別人的痛苦。我還是那麼懦弱的人呀，充滿懼怕，想要愛卻又拒絕別人的示好，然而，不屬於自己的東西又追逐不停。這些日子，我想我只想聽到宋冬野的聲音，像是他會明白我的傷心一樣，只是他只是個遙遠的從不認識的人呀，人，為甚麼要從那麼觸不可及的事物得到安慰吖，是不是我們都沈溺於距離顯現的淒美。不要曝露你的憂傷吧，只有無法接近你的人才會欣賞，在你身邊的人都希望你竭盡所能笑面迎人。

"remember it's easy for anyone who has a memory. forget is difficult for those who have heart."

you are not real, you will never be free.

那一口鮮甜的五分鐘
賴床的人呀
就是貪睡了五分鐘之後再五分鐘
一不小心又再次昏頭大睡
睡過頭了

Crystal, you will never be alone, people love you! So don't be afraid of being alone.

Dear Crystal,

You are a sweet girl, with a lovely smile and a good heart.  Everyone loves you, you know that, they see how charming and special you are, they cherish you and see you as something priceless. They like to stay with you and you always cheer them up with your brightness. Though you are a bit moody when you are lonely, but that's normal and that happen to everyone. No one was born alone, everyone wants to be loved. So you don't need to think that you are weak, still, you should remind yourself that you are strong enough, you don't need to just hang around. Keep close with the persons that love you and let go for those their lives is happier without you. 

With a lot of love,

Crystal 

Too much temptation too little love.

I am a drinker with painting problems

do everything you could, just to take me home. I'm yours.

城市與城市之間的距離到底有多遠，一下子把我拉回來，一下子又把你帶到幾千里外。身體承載著很重的情感，讓我動彈不得。思念做成一生的牽絆，無法道別。若是有一天，不用再說「再見」。

眼淚是真的，我愛你也是真的，我們會永遠在對方心裡面，一樣是真的。

bom dia de taipei, part of my heart will always be here.

想要見的，都能見到，萬千感受，五味雜陳，再不用期待甚麼，顧慮甚麼，或近或遠，突然隨手可得，甚麼都可擁有的時候，卻又發現所有都只是似曾相識。然後，我最想擁有的又是甚麼。

海量資訊使平常生活過得特別疲累，我們在網路世界裡留下的片言隻語，一瞬間，趕不上潮流洪水，被淹埋、被取替，走不到永恆。

如果到最後發現，其實自己早就不是當時的那個我，我一直期待的只是一個自己想像出來的幻象，那很殘忍。

如流水般的逸事，來不及擁抱回憶，風瀟瀟，又送走了一個春秋。

心誠則靈。

"some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss; but every once in a while, you find someone who's iridescent, and once you do, nothing will ever compare."

有些人平庸淺薄，有些人金光耀眼；偶爾，你會遇上一個如彩虹般絢麗的人，而當你遇上，其他東西便無法比擬。

Flipped, Wendelin Van Draanen

繞了很大的圈子，走了很長的路，其實，我只想跨過馬路走到對面。

"because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."

steve jobs

They always tell you not to do the things which they couldn't do.

他們自己無法做到的事，會叫你也不要去做。

紐約有一家餐廳，名字就叫 MACAO，身為澳門人的那種強烈渴望被認同的情感頓時被安撫了。牆上的老上海式海報，葡式磁磚，中式屏風，吧枱後的酒瓶五顏六色，推砌出一個聖神的教堂模樣，還有鴉片煙館間床般的座位格局，然後，這邊放了俄羅斯輸盤，那邊放了雀籠。好像，澳門從來就是這樣一個中西合壁的大遊樂場。

既然是被海水包圍的地方，應該是甚麼時候想要靠近海便能觸碰到海才對吧？

Praça do Comércio, Portugal

"If you drink to forget,

pay before you drink."

I was this strange strange kind of... prison, but anywho, I began to sing. I discovered I was a tree. Thus I start to sing free. Free like a bird that lives in tree. Thus I found a horse. A tree horse... with a true horse white a big ass... (smile).... and then you know punta punta punta punta. Boring boring, boring boring, boring, crystal, are you ok? ... and there is an old man, sitting to the next door, waiting for some dialog and he says, "and this is difficult, I wish life was like before." The cigarette is finishing.

Grete Faast, the coffee shop that I would never forget. Vienna, 2007.

photo by leo

macau 10.52am, lisbon 3.52am, new york 10.52pm

love is all, all my soul

you're my playground love

沒故意 留下底片

捕捉 幸福的片段

風光明信片 並非寫信地點

沒故意 提及辛酸

換取 陌生的掛念

P.S.再說一遍 前事已經湮遠

Some hands will rob you

And some hands will beg

Some say they'll stay

Til the last dying day

But if actions can't speak

And words cannot do

What ten thousand armies

Can't even fight through

Who's to say it's all for the best in the end

明明衣不稱身，裝可愛總可逗趣。

來晚了，靜悄悄地走進已開始的儀式，琴手們彈奏鍵盤，拉撥弓弦，瀰漫著悲傷。場景煽動我，以為眼前這一切是一場默禱，墓誌銘若隱若現的字句，叫人懷念起一種感情。我想起《對她有話兒》的一句對白，他說：「看到感動的事我會哭，因為不能跟她分享。」

daisy

社會上充斥著太多資訊，每個人的嘴巴都耐不住想要釋放大量理論。心煩了。

now your eyes ain't moving now they just lay there in their clouds

one more cup of coffee for the road

one more cup of coffee 'fore I go

to the valley below

二十多個小時後回到家，遊子的心卻留在別處。人呀，離開自己的原居地，是因為那裡沒有安逸的日子所以要另謀出路，還是日子太過安逸而渴望冒險？我想不通，然後舉足不前。櫃枱 check-in 那剎那，我真的猶豫了，但始終我登上回家的班機。最後的一個晚上，音樂酒吧傳來彈奏大提琴的聲音，吸引我過去了，替旅程的尾升下了註腳一樣，似乎在提醒我要記得甚麼。

if it be your will / that I speak no more / and my voice be still / as it was before

last day, last few hours to go...

「我想留下來！」﹣﹣會說這種話，真的像是個不知天高地厚的傻瓜，但是，內心一直很想改回程日期。尤其今晚室友跟我說，在路邊擺檔唱歌的她，終於接受到第一個路過的人發出的casting邀請，casting是關於lady gaga，詳細是怎樣我也沒有問了，反正我很激動，對呀，這就是紐約，紐約大概就是長這個樣子。因為還有兩三天就要回程，我不禁緊張起來，像我準備前往紐約那時候那般緊張，我不知道我搞甚麼的，除了放在art fair的畫賣掉以外，我根本沒有做過甚麼，就只是看風景，看人，看天氣。然後，準備回家了，就是這樣，緊張得肚子不斷翻騰想吐（應該是吃錯甚麼或是喝掉變壞的酒）。

"i want to stay here!" -- this statement sounds really naive, like a folly, but yes, that's what in my mind: i want to change the date of my return ticket. especially after hearing my roomie told me that she got an invitation for a casting, my emotions is going to explode. the casting is something about lady gaga, by a lady passing by, when she was singing in the street. what about lady gaga, ohhhh what really matter, it's something big, isn't it? this is new york, i guess that's how new york suppose to be. i just have two to three days more to stay, so yeah, i'm getting nervous, just as nervous as i was preparing to come here. though i don't know what i have done here, except my work was sold in the art fair, then, i haven't done much after. just looking around, looking the scene, the people, the weather. yup, time to go home, that's it, just my stomach not feeling very well, ohh too nervous, i've got to puke... (i've eaten something wrong or just got some bad wine, i guess)

我說，我想看日落，所以我們拐了個灣，來到布魯克林東河小公園，看著太陽慢慢地消失於對岸曼哈頓，世貿中心重蓋中。快要道別了，我想我喜歡這裡。

whoever said that thing about dogs being "man's best friend".....

... obviously didn't like to drink as much as I do. 

David Kramer

昨天才經過布魯克林區的一個各落，竪立了一個紀念卑，寫上「二〇〇一年九月十一日當天，這個社區目睹事發經過，我們致誠悼念。」

豈料稍晚，四方八面傳來了消息，波士頓發生爆炸。

幾小時前我才在回想十二年前發生的慘劇，幾小時後，又一陣無聲沉默。

有人傷痛，有人惋惜，有人說美國不早前才襲繫伊拉克，但卻被媒體忽略。生命總是毫無準備地被帶到世間，又無辜地被摧毁。

Some days everyone treats you like a princess, the other day they treat you like you are a beggar. Oh world, tell me how I suppose to be myself. You always hear something, some of them you try to listen and learn, then everything eventually form you as who you are but not that true that who you want to be. If you open up to hear everything, people say you are not listening to your heart, if you try to be yourself, people say you are stubborn. People always have something to say.

Be a lady
Enjoy life
Be polite, be humble
You grow up, don't act like a child
Don't always say sorry
Don't need to tell your weakness
To share
Don't trust anyone
Hide your last card

oh baby baby it's a wild world... and i always remember you like a child, girl....

我的大日子大概還沒到來，無所事事不為甚麼，度步，來回度步，現在就我自己一個人了。搬離了曼哈頓，來到布魯克林，走了一圈，苦惱著接下來的日子要做甚麼。回想起過去兩星期花天酒地，嘿，要不要炫耀好呢？不妨喧鬧一下叫人因為妒忌而生氣。我知道你會殷切地向我祝賀，說我是個幸運兒，若你夠誠懇，還會對我美言一翻；真感謝你。

每個人都忙著糾正別人，似乎在等對方說：「好，我會改進。」

天氣有點乾燥，不，我太含蓄了，是極其乾燥，我不適應以致呼吸感到痛楚，皮膚爆裂；其實我小題大造，事實也沒那麼誇張。文字本來就隨君把玩，天馬行空揑造事實虛構故事誇大其詞，好，來點真實報導但乍看有點沉悶。著實都是題外話，思緒的飄移總比輕敲鍵盤的速度快，難道大家還不習慣言之無物這玩意嗎？紐約，紐約，這是形容詞，還是名詞，我就在這裡，我沒有稀罕過甚麼，也不敢輕視甚麼，我就站在這裡，第幾大道與第幾街的交界，用數字來編排的縱橫似乎井井有條，實際上我失去方向。你能了解嗎？我想我會離開你，千里迢迢來到這裡，本來就是要離開你。你懂不懂我的意思，還是你縱容我的文字。一時的情緒設下的陷井你卻看得太認真，就像把玩古物，甚麼年代哪個帝皇，沒有，我沒有，其實我沒有意麼話要傳達。嘴吧癢說上兩句，大家來聊聊，不好意思，我忘了問你叫甚麼名字。

a tua raiva é rosa; a minha tristeza é verde.

Stuttering, cold and damp, 

Steal the warm wind tired friend. 

Times are gone for honest men 

And sometimes, far too long for snakes.

結結巴巴，寒冷濡濕，

疲憊的朋友偷走那溫暖的風吧。

於誠實的人來說時光不再

往往，於狡獪的人來說時間卻太冗長。 

blackhole Sun 

黑洞之日

容許邪惡的事情存在但不容許邪惡的事情走進眼球；眼不見為乾淨大概是這個意思。

我開始對你有各式各樣的幻想，我想我愛上你了。

「很簡單，那是個旋轉木馬式的國家，因為它總是在原地兜圈子。它什麼也不學，或者僅僅學了點皮毛。有時，您以為它前進的速度很快。原地旋轉得再快，又有什麼好處呢？好處就是讓人們頭暈目眩，可是一下車，您還是在原地一動也沒動。」

羅伯特•安布埃羅 | 斯德哥爾摩情人 （roberto ampuero | los amantes de estocolmo)