"some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss; but every once in a while, you find someone who's iridescent, and once you do, nothing will ever compare."

有些人平庸淺薄，有些人金光耀眼；偶爾，你會遇上一個如彩虹般絢麗的人，而當你遇上，其他東西便無法比擬。

Flipped, Wendelin Van Draanen

繞了很大的圈子，走了很長的路，其實，我只想跨過馬路走到對面。

"because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."

steve jobs

They always tell you not to do the things which they couldn't do.

他們自己無法做到的事，會叫你也不要去做。

紐約有一家餐廳，名字就叫 MACAO，身為澳門人的那種強烈渴望被認同的情感頓時被安撫了。牆上的老上海式海報，葡式磁磚，中式屏風，吧枱後的酒瓶五顏六色，推砌出一個聖神的教堂模樣，還有鴉片煙館間床般的座位格局，然後，這邊放了俄羅斯輸盤，那邊放了雀籠。好像，澳門從來就是這樣一個中西合壁的大遊樂場。

既然是被海水包圍的地方，應該是甚麼時候想要靠近海便能觸碰到海才對吧？

Praça do Comércio, Portugal

"If you drink to forget,

pay before you drink."

I was this strange strange kind of... prison, but anywho, I began to sing. I discovered I was a tree. Thus I start to sing free. Free like a bird that lives in tree. Thus I found a horse. A tree horse... with a true horse white a big ass... (smile).... and then you know punta punta punta punta. Boring boring, boring boring, boring, crystal, are you ok? ... and there is an old man, sitting to the next door, waiting for some dialog and he says, "and this is difficult, I wish life was like before." The cigarette is finishing.

Grete Faast, the coffee shop that I would never forget. Vienna, 2007.

photo by leo

macau 10.52am, lisbon 3.52am, new york 10.52pm

love is all, all my soul

you're my playground love

沒故意 留下底片

捕捉 幸福的片段

風光明信片 並非寫信地點

沒故意 提及辛酸

換取 陌生的掛念

P.S.再說一遍 前事已經湮遠

Some hands will rob you

And some hands will beg

Some say they'll stay

Til the last dying day

But if actions can't speak

And words cannot do

What ten thousand armies

Can't even fight through

Who's to say it's all for the best in the end

明明衣不稱身，裝可愛總可逗趣。

來晚了，靜悄悄地走進已開始的儀式，琴手們彈奏鍵盤，拉撥弓弦，瀰漫著悲傷。場景煽動我，以為眼前這一切是一場默禱，墓誌銘若隱若現的字句，叫人懷念起一種感情。我想起《對她有話兒》的一句對白，他說：「看到感動的事我會哭，因為不能跟她分享。」

daisy

社會上充斥著太多資訊，每個人的嘴巴都耐不住想要釋放大量理論。心煩了。

now your eyes ain't moving now they just lay there in their clouds

one more cup of coffee for the road

one more cup of coffee 'fore I go

to the valley below

二十多個小時後回到家，遊子的心卻留在別處。人呀，離開自己的原居地，是因為那裡沒有安逸的日子所以要另謀出路，還是日子太過安逸而渴望冒險？我想不通，然後舉足不前。櫃枱 check-in 那剎那，我真的猶豫了，但始終我登上回家的班機。最後的一個晚上，音樂酒吧傳來彈奏大提琴的聲音，吸引我過去了，替旅程的尾升下了註腳一樣，似乎在提醒我要記得甚麼。

if it be your will / that I speak no more / and my voice be still / as it was before

last day, last few hours to go...

「我想留下來！」﹣﹣會說這種話，真的像是個不知天高地厚的傻瓜，但是，內心一直很想改回程日期。尤其今晚室友跟我說，在路邊擺檔唱歌的她，終於接受到第一個路過的人發出的casting邀請，casting是關於lady gaga，詳細是怎樣我也沒有問了，反正我很激動，對呀，這就是紐約，紐約大概就是長這個樣子。因為還有兩三天就要回程，我不禁緊張起來，像我準備前往紐約那時候那般緊張，我不知道我搞甚麼的，除了放在art fair的畫賣掉以外，我根本沒有做過甚麼，就只是看風景，看人，看天氣。然後，準備回家了，就是這樣，緊張得肚子不斷翻騰想吐（應該是吃錯甚麼或是喝掉變壞的酒）。

"i want to stay here!" -- this statement sounds really naive, like a folly, but yes, that's what in my mind: i want to change the date of my return ticket. especially after hearing my roomie told me that she got an invitation for a casting, my emotions is going to explode. the casting is something about lady gaga, by a lady passing by, when she was singing in the street. what about lady gaga, ohhhh what really matter, it's something big, isn't it? this is new york, i guess that's how new york suppose to be. i just have two to three days more to stay, so yeah, i'm getting nervous, just as nervous as i was preparing to come here. though i don't know what i have done here, except my work was sold in the art fair, then, i haven't done much after. just looking around, looking the scene, the people, the weather. yup, time to go home, that's it, just my stomach not feeling very well, ohh too nervous, i've got to puke... (i've eaten something wrong or just got some bad wine, i guess)

我說，我想看日落，所以我們拐了個灣，來到布魯克林東河小公園，看著太陽慢慢地消失於對岸曼哈頓，世貿中心重蓋中。快要道別了，我想我喜歡這裡。

whoever said that thing about dogs being "man's best friend".....

... obviously didn't like to drink as much as I do. 

David Kramer

昨天才經過布魯克林區的一個各落，竪立了一個紀念卑，寫上「二〇〇一年九月十一日當天，這個社區目睹事發經過，我們致誠悼念。」

豈料稍晚，四方八面傳來了消息，波士頓發生爆炸。

幾小時前我才在回想十二年前發生的慘劇，幾小時後，又一陣無聲沉默。

有人傷痛，有人惋惜，有人說美國不早前才襲繫伊拉克，但卻被媒體忽略。生命總是毫無準備地被帶到世間，又無辜地被摧毁。

Some days everyone treats you like a princess, the other day they treat you like you are a beggar. Oh world, tell me how I suppose to be myself. You always hear something, some of them you try to listen and learn, then everything eventually form you as who you are but not that true that who you want to be. If you open up to hear everything, people say you are not listening to your heart, if you try to be yourself, people say you are stubborn. People always have something to say.

Be a lady
Enjoy life
Be polite, be humble
You grow up, don't act like a child
Don't always say sorry
Don't need to tell your weakness
To share
Don't trust anyone
Hide your last card

oh baby baby it's a wild world... and i always remember you like a child, girl....

我的大日子大概還沒到來，無所事事不為甚麼，度步，來回度步，現在就我自己一個人了。搬離了曼哈頓，來到布魯克林，走了一圈，苦惱著接下來的日子要做甚麼。回想起過去兩星期花天酒地，嘿，要不要炫耀好呢？不妨喧鬧一下叫人因為妒忌而生氣。我知道你會殷切地向我祝賀，說我是個幸運兒，若你夠誠懇，還會對我美言一翻；真感謝你。

每個人都忙著糾正別人，似乎在等對方說：「好，我會改進。」

天氣有點乾燥，不，我太含蓄了，是極其乾燥，我不適應以致呼吸感到痛楚，皮膚爆裂；其實我小題大造，事實也沒那麼誇張。文字本來就隨君把玩，天馬行空揑造事實虛構故事誇大其詞，好，來點真實報導但乍看有點沉悶。著實都是題外話，思緒的飄移總比輕敲鍵盤的速度快，難道大家還不習慣言之無物這玩意嗎？紐約，紐約，這是形容詞，還是名詞，我就在這裡，我沒有稀罕過甚麼，也不敢輕視甚麼，我就站在這裡，第幾大道與第幾街的交界，用數字來編排的縱橫似乎井井有條，實際上我失去方向。你能了解嗎？我想我會離開你，千里迢迢來到這裡，本來就是要離開你。你懂不懂我的意思，還是你縱容我的文字。一時的情緒設下的陷井你卻看得太認真，就像把玩古物，甚麼年代哪個帝皇，沒有，我沒有，其實我沒有意麼話要傳達。嘴吧癢說上兩句，大家來聊聊，不好意思，我忘了問你叫甚麼名字。

a tua raiva é rosa; a minha tristeza é verde.

Stuttering, cold and damp, 

Steal the warm wind tired friend. 

Times are gone for honest men 

And sometimes, far too long for snakes.

結結巴巴，寒冷濡濕，

疲憊的朋友偷走那溫暖的風吧。

於誠實的人來說時光不再

往往，於狡獪的人來說時間卻太冗長。 

blackhole Sun 

黑洞之日

容許邪惡的事情存在但不容許邪惡的事情走進眼球；眼不見為乾淨大概是這個意思。

我開始對你有各式各樣的幻想，我想我愛上你了。

「很簡單，那是個旋轉木馬式的國家，因為它總是在原地兜圈子。它什麼也不學，或者僅僅學了點皮毛。有時，您以為它前進的速度很快。原地旋轉得再快，又有什麼好處呢？好處就是讓人們頭暈目眩，可是一下車，您還是在原地一動也沒動。」

羅伯特•安布埃羅 | 斯德哥爾摩情人 （roberto ampuero | los amantes de estocolmo)

我發現, 很多時候, 人只要四處地向別人講述自己所做的事, 別人就會以為你在那方面很有才幹, 是專才, 因為認識比你少的人會表示仰慕之情, 認識比你多的人也沒有閒情把你扁低, 只要你好好保持一副謙虛的神情. 比如說, 某個人, 他拍電影, 沒有拍得多好, 但因為他不斷地向人「講述」他是一個拍電影的人, 展示出他是一個電影人, 媒體就開始把他放大, 他增取得到的曝光率愈多, 他便愈成為一個「電影人」, 這本身與他有沒有繼續拍電影, 有沒有拍出好電影, 已經沒有關係. 曝光率幫助他爭取到更多的合作機會, 顯然是因為, 大家已理所當然地認同他是一個「電影人」了.

與此同時, 有一些人相信實力, 默默耕耘手中作業, 不懂行銷的魅力.

誰比較容易勝出, 誰站得住腳, 在這個無需真理, 萬物顛倒的社會, 日久也並不一定能看人心. 只能說是自己的選擇, 那一種方式比較適合自己的作風. 反正都會有人認同你, 有人不認同你, 是吧.

「我們不是我們，而是講述的我們，而別人則接受了這樣的講述。」

講不明白，再講下去就變成免強。兩個無法互相明瞭的人，為何事，偏執地堅持，卻打從心底裡從未相信過幸福指日可待。

the blues of seperation

有些事情令你膨脹，令你以為你可以容納更多，變得貪心狂妄喋喋不休，但你沒有發現其實處境就像個氣球，膨脹致使橡皮愈來愈薄，然後，爆破。

如果我還有意識發現這點，我會躲進廁所，那個叫我在密室般的環境中唯一能蹲在廁板上靜思然後對著鏡子自言自語的空間，把自己發反鎖。當然我更喜歡大自然，但依舊活在城市中的我，大自然只是用來假裝的時尚。

「誇年倒數好像只為了大醉一場然後隔天頹廢不堪一點動力也沒有。唷，二O一二，您好。」

上年的跨年感想於今年仍然適用。唷，二O一三，您好。

「我們不是我們，而是講述的我們，而別人則接受了這樣的講述。」

晚上十點多便上床睡覺，所以早上五點多，被夢魘叫醒，其實不是夢，是我執。然而我亦明白，我已浪費太多時間去扮演一個偵探，從別人的生活搜出線索，但最終只會叫我再多做一個惡夢。趁早起，多用功。別人的生活，對於我來說又有甚麼意義呢？又不是朋友。

"Do you know where the wild roses grow 

So sweet and scarlet and free?"

興奮的心情總是只存在於還在幻像階段的那個時候，上飛機的前一天，總是有點憂鬱和緊張，總是覺得還有很多事要處理，要打包行李，煩惱著一切一切，然後時間就在那種淡淡的憂傷之中虛耗掉，發現行李還未開始打包。

Actually I've never known how to be a daughter, because I always thought it always base on money.

with a little luck, it goes forward and you win. 

or maybe it doesn't, and you lose.

in crystal's dream

You know I would go to you, I would jump to you. I would do everything to make you mine. But now, but how. Should I be patient?

"Life is unpredictable." Remember your line? So what should I predict? Predict how you would react and how you would feel? Nothing. All is my illusion and imagination. But i still try to predict.

Words are just words. I don't know what I should say, to be understood. But no, we don't need to be understood. We should feel. Feel our heart.

I am crystal. I am the girl once you thought you have no chance, but eventually you got me, deeply. Then you are gone.

I want to tell you, how much, how much does it weight ( the way I love you).

如果我當初有你口中所說的「家教」，我想我不會錯失你的兒子。但我相信我永遠會欠缺些甚麼。那些只有確實愛我的人才能包容的東西。

I don't want to be an artist. I just want to be someone normal, have my boyfriend, have a daily job with a basic salary, living happily. There is sea, there is sun, there is love. That's all I need.

todo mundo é estrangeiro, 

todo mundo é estranho.

" I'm wracked with quilt. "

所有人和所有人之間都維持著一種疑似情人的關係。卿卿我我。相互磨擦。

Enjoy life
How
Be playful
How
Get drunk
How
Just drink
Yeah

What I have to do, I don't remember.
What I want to do, I don't know.
Everyday I wake up with an empty shell,
Staying one hour on bed with the eyes open,
In a trance,
Just to let the times pass

With this distance, you can't see a thing.

你的敷淺對我是一種侮辱。

早知你是如此敷淺，太多不該。

don't live in the past, there is nothing left.

學習和自己相處，習慣孤獨，認識新朋友，然後，我就回到兩年前的那個我，或者是四年前的那個我，或者是六年前的那個我，八年前的那個我，十年前的那個我，然後翻開日記，其實我還是那個我。十年來我有過的感受，說過的話，都是同一翻話。

你信任了以後，你以為你可以信任了。

obsessed

undecided

hysterical

possessive

Though I let you know how much I hate you; you don't know how much I miss you.

Why there is always a moment that I feel I miss you. And there is always a moment that I don't feel free.

I feel you, so deeply.

remember, good luck, the last word could tell

We have too much entertainment, we have too much fun, we cannot wait.

I don't want to be so basic.

You try so hard like a working girl.

有時候，只在乎於你在腦海裡放進了甚麼公式。然後你開始說服自己，相信或遵守那套公式。

然後你會以為我是一個瘋子，然後我會遭唾棄。

噯，結束了。這兩年好像一個夢，一個長長的夢，嗉一聲，醒了，回到現實。這兩年，我說過很多謊，為了醃飾很多事情，為了自身的利益，也自以為的不想讓別人難過，隱瞞了很多事，無法坦誠相對。到最後，徒添仇恨。我做事也變得小心奕奕，變得愈來愈低調，愈來愈不敢發聲，把自己埋在一個自己也看不到自己的地方，忘了自己想要成為一個甚麼樣的人。還有妒忌，旺盛的佔有慾把妒忌種值得十分兇恨，快要把我該有的光茫都削弱掉，因為我眼裡只看到別人手上的玩具，我沒注意自己本身就住在一堆禮物裡頭。所有事情是我選擇的，抑或，我是被選擇。我其實還沒有醒過來，只是睜開了眼睛，發現我就身處在這個混沌的空間裡面。我好想被拯救，內心這樣呼喊著。但我又怕被瞧不起，所以變得倔強，終究我還是太在意別人的眼光。沒甚麼奇怪的，我本來就是這種忐忑不安的性格。只有我承認與不承認而已。我看到世界的目光也往那些閃閃發光的東西看過去，我看不到別人所看到的快樂，我只看到光怪陸離。我不快樂。 我怕我自己不再耀眼。我怕很多事。我怕孤獨。然後心裡便策劃另一場出走，想要逃出生天。但我已經不知道可以去哪裡了，我再不像從前那樣，不停地張望遠方的風景，綣戀，把我唯一的瀟灑也捆綁住。終歸這兩年，遇到很多人，有很不一樣的生活模式，學了很多東西，甚至把那個藏得好好的內心的魔鬼也召喚出來，驅使我去畫一些我自己也覺得不錯的畫作。但為甚麼總在我才剛意識到的時候，一切就要終止。我總在遊晃，總在轉換場景，其實我有點累了，我不再有那麼多的勇氣和活力了。其實沒必要把事情這樣拿出來訴說是不是，或是我該去借個揚聲器。世事萬物讓我好懊惱。would you stay though i'm blue?

I hate you. Because you made me trusted you. When I eventually gave my true self to you, you poked the bubble.

"We ventured out like Maeterlinck’s children seeking the bluebird and were caught in the twisted briars of our new experiences."

我們像梅特林克（Maurice Maeterlinck）劇本裡尋找青鳥的孩子們一樣去冒險，但全新的經歷卻像荊棘纏繞住我們。

I WISH ALL THE BAD THINGS HAVE NEVER HAPPENED
I WISH A LOT OF THINGS WE HAVE NEVER KNOWN
I WISH I HAVE NEVER FALLEN IN LOVE WITH YOU
I WISH THE OLD GOOD DAYS COULD FREEZE
I WISH YOU WERE STILL HERE
I WISH WE COULD ALL GO BACK TO THE DAYS WE WERE HAPPY
I WISH EVERYTHING WAS NOT THAT COMPLICATED AND WENT SO WRONG AND COLLAPSED

AND WE COULD START OVER

You must be happy, so laugh at me, laugh how ridiculous I am.

I'm just exist in the picture, so capture me.

差一點便錯過了一封信. 因為一個愚昧的行為, 才會打開濫發郵件箱, 才讓我發現, 原來有過這樣一封信. 一些緣份, 一些錯過, 太多感概. 會不會一些我曾經寄出而得不到回覆的信, 都是這樣錯過. 然後事情總在出奇不意的時間位出現, 代表些甚麼, 又暗示著甚麼, 是緣份還是天意弄人, 是真心追尋還是一種巧合. time will tell, but sometimes, time delay to tell.

you give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away

我以為人群離開了我，然後我亦離開了人群。最終落得自己一個。我感受到微風，樹影遙曵，但最終，我還是得一個我。