賭仔好勝
WE ARE ALL GAMBLERS
「不要去想如何成為一位藝術家，你已經是一位藝術家，做你愛做的事吧。」
－Fatih, 2015 年 12 月 20 日
“Stop thinking about becoming an artist, because you are already one! Just do what you love.”
- Fatih, December 20, 2015
感情豐富如我，總是隨時敞開心扉擁抱一切。但像紐約這樣的大城市並不適合太易動情。紐約不容許我太天真、太傻。
I’m sensitive. I feel things. At first, I opened my heart wide and welcomed everything; then I realized I couldn’t do it in a big city like New York. Or maybe just not in New York.
成為一位藝術家是我兒時的夢想，繞了很多路，終於在二〇一五年一月下定決心前往紐約修讀藝術，去實踐這個夢想。紐約以一個悠長的寒冬作為見面禮，室外到處被白雪淹蓋，室內暖氣似乎要將我體內的水份都抽乾，才到訪一個禮拜，還未來得及挑戰紐約便已被擊倒，患了重感冒，難以呼吸，明明勒緊褲頭，卻又要洗錢購置增濕器。補充了水份後便能流淚，哭不成聲便乾脆懷疑前往紐約會不會是最愚蠢的決定。明知山有虎，偏向虎山行。離開舒適生活圈然後在異地重零開始，何必呢？種種負面想法，也許這就是所謂的思鄉病，孤獨滋味如龐然大物般襲擊我，就當這是思鄉病吧。
I came to New York for my childhood dream - to be an artist - in a snowy January, 2015. What New York offered me as a welcoming gift was a long cold winter. The first week, a serious cold nearly killed me right away physically and emotionally. I was dehydrated in my room by the overheated heater. I couldn’t breath. The first money I spent here was to buy a humidifier. I cried like I had made the worst decision ever. Why did I leave my comfort zone and start everything from zero? Why I did choose such a hard way? Maybe I was just homesick. The overwhelming loneliness we call it homesick.
怕醜不是我的天性，費盡心機去融入新環境，結交新朋友，到頭來發現大家自我保護意識強勁，人與人之間有着無法逾越的距離。紐約大概只容納着異鄉客，來自五湖四海，居留時期由數月至數年。到步後從零開始，有人厭倦無止盡的繁華亂世而半途離場，有人不懈努力加戰不死之決心終造就一翻成績。問諸君家在何處，家在遙遠的他處。生活在紐約，只想奮鬥。似乎大家都在紐約花了足夠的時間練就成一副不容侵犯、可遠觀而不可褻玩矣的姿態。機會主義；厚面皮、適時務、進取；再取之平衡，就能如魚得水。人人都希望成為煉金術士。
I’m not a shy person. So I did my best to mingle, to make new friends. But soon I realized everyone here is so protective. There is distance between every single person. I guess it’s because they have been living here long enough to learn that’s the only way not to get hurt. Not to be used. Not to get taken advantage of. Most of the people in New York are not from New York. They started with nothing, and earned what they have today through a lot of effort.
Everything costs. Everything has a price. There’s no free lunches. No. Some people might have quit mid-way and are no longer drifting through the city. And the strong ones remain. You would start a conversation with a person you’ve just met like “how long have you been living here?” From a couple of months to a couple of years, they are from other states or other countries. Everyone is trying hard, or more precisely, trying his or her luck.
終於我明白，澳門是如何的寬容，長久以來將我寵壞，就好像我們習慣說，澳門是個小漁村，一頓愉快的午餐就能和一個新相識暢談不盡，然後，新相識帶來新圈子，從新圈子走進新社群。過不了多久，相識滿天下。然而紐約總是碰壁，你致誠真摯，換來對方一句「我倆才初見面，先生小姐別太急進。」你看不見自己在別人眼中是多無禮醜陋的食人獸。
In New York, it takes time to know someone. What I hear the most is, “We’ve just met. I’m still getting to know you.” By then I realized how much Macau has spoiled me. You could simply get to know a person with a nice lunch along with a cheerful conversation. In a flash, you are friends. It won’t take long to meet a bunch of nice people, then a circle, then a community. Connections are so intense that you feel like you know everyone in Macau already.
生活在這城市的人是如此冷漠，忙於為自己闖一片天，沒閒暇傾聽我訴說心事。燦爛笑容變成最愚蠢的包裝，掩飾我的寂寞與恐懼。六月，炎熱的氣溫醞釀我的焦慮。海洋寬闊，小魚無用。當人人都是藝術家，於武林爭一席之地，我顯得一無事處。究竟我該如何立足。情緒於臨界點遊移，即便朋友亦無法替我分解負面情緒，就這樣吧，觸醮，爆發。心理醫生用最不賦批評性的專業角度去傾聽我的呢喃細語，每節一小時的哭訴維持了數星期，然後我發現，回家、回到所屬之地，才是靈丹妙藥。八月濕熱的澳門用熱情包圍着我然後我便療愈，向心理醫生說再見，我們分手吧。
But not in New York. Everyone is busy trying hard here, they don’t have time to listen to your problems. They won’t call you a friend just because you have the most lovely smile. June was a horrible month. With way too many great talents in this city, I felt like I was nothing. I was nothing special. I was just another artsy person drifting in the city. I was threatened, I didn’t know where I stood, where I belonged. I didn’t know where to get help. I finally looked for a therapist. I had too many negative thoughts inside my head that having friends was just not enough. I needed someone to talk to who wouldn’t be judgmental. I went for a few sessions and at the end, I walked out the door of that consultation room and haven’t gone back again. A swell summer back home in Macau healed me.
暑假小休後回到紐約繼續打怪獸，突然天朗氣清，澳門似是一支強心針，永遠最強的後循，紐約不再如此兇猛。當然紐約依舊，只是我更強悍。然後重新發現那個叫人興奮雀躍的城市，它的魅力來自於生活在這裏的各式人物，而擁有相同方向與價值的人，終會遇見。
Then, returning back to New York didn’t seem that hard anymore. I realized it’s not that bad, actually New York is great. People with the same values, at some point, will finally meet.
我花了一年的時間去消化紐約，然後，我像個紐約客一樣，唾罵地鐵有多擁擠有多骯髒、老鼠橫行、班點延誤，天呀，瘋漢（又）在車廂叫喊威脅所有乘客的性命。今天新聞報道我家街口轉角又有搶擊案把我嚇呆，似乎真的是新聞。L train 的潮流型人叫我目不暇給，在 Bushwick 流連才是正經事。遇見叫我再讚嚇不矣的奇人怪事，保持目無表情才是紐約客的本色。
After one year, I’ve started to know the city. I complain about the trains like a local. Delayed, crowded, stinky, filthy, rats, crazy creepy screaming. I am shocked by the news that somewhere around the corner just got shot and killed (again). I look at the cute guys on the L-train. I hang out in Bushwick. Funny scenes in the street or train that make me laugh but acting cool is the New Yorker way.
紐約，紐約，你是名詞還是形容詞，大家聽到你的名字總是趨之若鶩，而你卻如此冷酷。或者，你功多於過，亳不吝嗇地讓大家展示自己的才華，引發更多的討論，更多的新思潮，所以大家都甘願捱着苦頭為你而留下。所有的一面之緣，泛起漣漪，演變成渾之不去的動力。紐約、紐約，幾十年過去，你依然叫人怦然心動，因為你如此獨特， 打開了所有的宇宙，讓所有的瘋狂主意流竄，你不輕易被俘虜，你看不起垂手可得的任何種種，你叫所有體會過你的人明白，只有真心渴望的事物，才值得擁有。
So what’s so charming about New York? I guess, just the fact that I can constantly meet amazing, creative and interesting people that poke my mind, wake me up; that’s the reason good enough for me to keep on trying. Maybe I will just see that person once and we won’t become friends. But what they have said is incredibly inspiring. No place like New York has taught me to be so open minded and hold no biases. Ideas are the things never lacking in this city. Keep the openness and let things come in. It just takes time. It just doesn’t come easy. Just like people say, if it’s easy, it isn’t worth it.
紐約曾叫我後悔，叫我淚流滿面，我以為，孤注一擲卻輸掉所有。那些美好的小確幸在縫間流走叫我心碎。但是，有賭未為輸是好勝抑或人生本來就是一場賭注，我只能確認，一年過後，我更認清我自己，同時戰勝了怕孤獨這個壞毛病。
I once regretted coming here, because it was a big gamble and I cried for what I had lost. I wished things could go back to the way they were. But I was right in the first place, I dared to make a big bet and now I finally see what I’ve gained. I know myself better now. And being alone is not an issue anymore.
夢想是甚麼，只能說是觸不可及的美麗雲彩，永遠會在遙遠的他方，永遠無法到達的終點，但追逐那片雲彩的過程卻給我勇氣，引領我即便恐懼卻依然探索未知的領域。
To achieve your dreams is not the ultimate goal, it’s just a hint to discover the world with more perspectives.
*Macau Closer 2016 January Issue Column 澳門特寫2016年1月號專欄*
